Discovering the Shadow Self

Trauma. It's a bugger.

I've been through a lot in my life. Scrolling back through my life history, it reads like a crazy sad film. I've had so much loss. I thought the trauma was as bad as it gets each time, but the final straw was my fiancé dying in a cycling accident in May 2020. OK, universe, you've had your fun. Do your bloody worst. Oh, hold on, you just did, you f*cker.

During eighteen months, I lost my best friend and love of my life, two dogs, and broke my hip in a freak martial arts accident. I sat on my hospital bed wondering what the heck kind of karma I'd accumulated in a "previous life" to deserve such a rotten time and lose everything I loved about my life.

2023 added more challenges and pushed me to the edge of my capacity to rise from the ashes. I literally couldn't take any more. Broken, exhausted and incapable of rational thought, I ground to a halt.

However, when the dust settled, I began exploring the dynamics of the shadow self, a concept coined by Carl Jung. He believed that the "shadow" is a part of our unconscious personality that we repress or reject.

The consensus is that the shadow is a negative aspect, something we don't like about ourselves. However, that's not where I am going with this. My deep dive into shadow work uncovered that "shadow" parts of our personality can be positive aspects of who we were before conditioning shaped our "self."

We may not have been our true "self" since childhood, because even the most minor thing can be traumatic for a child who hasn't yet worked out their parents don't know what they're doing.

For example, during my initial shadow work, I asked myself, "Did my parents validate me as a child? Did I feel heard, loved and valued?" Sadly, it's a resounding "No."

David was the first person in my life who made me feel valued and who loved me unconditionally. For eighteen years, he wrapped me in love and respect. When he died, I felt exposed, vulnerable and lost. It wasn't until recently that I realised how badly that had affected me.

This year (2023), I had four months in a toxic work environment. Manipulated, gaslighted and micromanaged, I didn't handle the situation well. I tried to be the good girl, to be compliant, and, in doing so, gave away what little power I had left. Why the *uck did I try to make people like me that mistreated me? Why couldn't I stand up for myself?

Then, I knew. I understood.

The shadow work has begun, and I'm excited to uncover the layers shoved into a box for the last few years, maybe longer. I haven't felt whole since David died. I want to feel that again, to stand in my power and rediscover my voice. I want to be the person I saw reflected in his eyes, the funny and feisty woman unafraid to speak her truth.

So, here I am, ready to get started. In the mid-2000s, I trained as a Shamanic healer and taught many people for a long time. But I've drifted from this wonderful practice. Now, I'm rewriting my Shamanic healing manual and working through my shadows.

Shadow work is not for the faint-hearted, but it can literally change your life, freeing you from the subconscious chains that stop you from reaching your maximum potential and living a happy life.