Diagnosis: Narcissism

Why is does the word and the immense definition behind it seem so new? It has crept ever so slowly into society as a diagnosis, a subject for motivational plaques and the new & modernized label for a control freak. I found myself reading those inspirational quotes regarding persons who are in relationships with a narcissis, and by golly it’s as if these people knew me and boy did they know a lot about my husband! Suddenly I was angry because I had been left out of the loop! Why was I just learning about these most unfavorable traits? And that there was a label for these traits? I had spent 18 years in a relationship, 12 of them legally married, and I shared 2 children with a textbook narcissist!

If only I had stumbled across even one of those quotes way back when...I literally called one of my oldest and dearest friends to ask her why? Why hadn’t I heard more about narcissism before now? Upon reading them I most definitely would have identified as a textbook victim and could have saved myself so many wasted years suffering the cruel abuse. The more I poured over the information available online the more upset I became about my utter lack of knowledge on the subject! How could I be so blind? Everything I read described my husband to a T. What was wrong with me, I begged my friend for the answer?

The blogs I read described how being the center of attention was a more of a competition for them. And how quickly they would shoot down or devalue any compliments you might receive instead of them receiving the compliment. The sheer magnitude of jealousy that fueled their attacks was unfathomable. Of course by the time I had begun to learn about this hideous daemon of a diagnosis that was the definition of the man I was married to, it was a little to late. I had already suffered the beginnings of what I later learned to be a mental breakdown. I had been a warrior in the trenches for many years. But all along not understanding what I was up against. For someone who seldom shed a tear, I suddenly could not turn them off. Nor could I summon the strength to get out of bed. I was so terribly broken and had been ganged up on by unhealthy individuals who even used children, my very own son, to hurt me. All I could do was lay there and stare at nothing.

Then one of my many angels appeared before me. I love this friend still so dearly even today, My friend had a house key and she let herself in laid on the bed next to me and used kindness to coaxe me out of a very dark place. She was with me enough to see that I had been losing control and that I had finally sucumbed to the daemons that were nipping at my heels. She had put clothes out for me and a ball cap to hide my messy hair and she was holding my purse saying come with me I’m taking you to my house. I’m not leaving your side until we have a plan. When I attempted to explain how tired and beaten down I felt she stopped me and smiled telling me I know I see you at least 3 times a week or a month more. I just want my best friend back I miss laughing with her, so let’s go make a plan. This was the very beginning of my healing process. Oh what a journey that lay ahead of me.