Depression—Yes It Is a Thing

Diseases are all around us. Some people are lucky to never get serious ones, while others tend to be constantly surrounded by the worst ones. Now what people fail to recognize is that diseases go beyond a physical illness... meaning that some illnesses are invisible.

Everyone seems to talk about every disease like it's not a big deal but what I have found in my 22 years of living is that NO ONE wants to talk about mental illnesses. I really don't know if it's because they think that talking about it makes it an actual thing or they just plain don't want to acknowledge that they probably have a mental illness.

And I'm not talking about OCD or ADD/ADHD (which are beasts of themselves), no, I'm talking about depression. There, I said it... the forbidden word... depression.

I was raised in a society that taught us that you had depression when you wanted to kill yourself, that's it.

Nothing else.

Just being suicidal.

At the time, I thought this was acceptable. I thought this was just what the disease was and that it couldn't possibly be anything more than that. But going through high school and college, I quickly realized that I was wrong.

College was where I saw the pure darkness of depression. Yes, at one point I attempted to kill myself, but looking back, this went deeper than that. This depression I was experiencing was stemming from high school. And the sad part was, I didn't realize this until years later, or I would have gotten help.

I realized that depression wasn't just being sad, it was the agony of getting out of bed every morning. It was the dreadful thought that I had to do my hair, put makeup on and look presentable for society. It was the fact of walking outside to the open world and not giving a f*** about what could happen. It was all these things that I just thought was normal for a teenager. But they aren't. They simply are not things people go through (mostly).

These later turned into having to put a fake smile on so no one would ask what's wrong.

It turned into laughing at EVERYTHING because it was just easier this way.

It turned into ignoring my text messages/calls from my friends and coming up with excuses as to why I didn't answer.

It turned into always being in a bad mood.

It turned into denying every guy who wanted to spoil me because I simply "was busy" even though I was literally doing nothing.

It turned into the ruining of friendships that were suppose to be lifelong.

And the worst thing of it all, it turned into a b*tch called anxiety.

It turned into all of these things that destroyed my life in so many different ways. And every time I tried to face it on my own, I was only pushed farther down the spiral of a black hole. I tried consulting my friends and family but they said that I was over exaggerating and it will fade. I consulted my doctors and they told me that I had severe clinical depression and anxiety but didn't want to touch it in the fear of making it worst. I later developed a sleep disorder because no one was helping me and I was stuck in this cycle of anxiety and sadness.

I felt so alone but I knew that I had to survive. Years passed and college ended and I was finally starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel. I accepted the fact that I was going to forever be alone in this battle but I wasn't going to let it stop me from living anymore. I decided to be proactive about it and express my feelings to others. This was the worst thing ever. People started ignoring me and blocking me because I told them "I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression and anxiety"... Like really? It's like I told you I have AIDS or something. I have a mental disorder. I'm not broken, just bent. But its so heartbreaking that people, including me, have to go through this alone because no one wants to listen and accept it.

People like Kate Spade, Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, and so many other beloved humans felt like they couldn't handle it anymore and took their own lives. But it's so funny to read the news articles saying "This was unexpected" or "No one saw this coming." Lies. They more than likely expressed their depression in a way where people either thought they were lying or just didn't take it seriously. Most people with depression are the ones that always seem to be the happiest... Well let me tell ya, it's easy to hide it but hard to deal with.

Maybe these people would still be alive if depression wasn't such cursed word. It's not contagious, people.

Acknowledge it.

Accept it.

Listen to it.

This could simply save a million lives. And for the people who are currently struggling with this disease, please remember that the pain is temporary and that you have to keep surviving, not just for yourself, but for me. We all need people like you to advocate for the rest of us that simply cannot.

Simply,

Monica.