Depression

It's night time during the day. Like a cloud over you constantly. You are never good enough. You are never strong enough. How I hate talking negative, but how it's so true. You have things that you have to do. Responsibilities left undone. In your mind, you thrive to go out and have a good day and spend it with loved ones. Then again, you don't want to be around anyone. Everyone will stare at you and think you are stupid. Even at work, I am left alone. I hate dealing with each individual that comes in to do business. They all have their perfect little lives, or perfect little scams. I have to hear each one's story, like I care. I do really care, but I feel so left out, so alone. I enter in to each one's story feeling either happy or sad with them. Maybe this is my depression. What is life? What is the thing that will make me so happy? Can I ever be happy in this life?

The only thing I feel like I do have is God. He is my strength in my weakness. I know without him, I probably wouldn't be here anymore, because the depression hangs over me so hard. I don't even feel welcome anywhere anymore, not even church. When I go to church, it is hard for me to sit there. I don't know why, because I love God with all my heart. Looking back in my life, I looked forward to going to church. What's up? Why now do I feel it's a duty? What's wrong with me?

I just really would like to be important to somebody. I think everyone wants that. A lot of people have their husband or their wife to lean on. Some have friends. Some have a perfect job that they make millions a year on. I don't have a husband, many friends, or that perfect job. I have children, but they aren't around much. They are out trying to find their happiness. Am I going through what they call "Empty Nest Syndrome"? I don't know what it is, but it sucks!

My mother was really my best friend in this earth. She and my dad are both gone. I remember I would call her and we would talk about things on the phone. Sometimes, it was good things that happened. Other times, it was for advice or to cry with each other's hard times. I would go visit her as much as I could. I miss her. She died of melanoma cancer November 21st, 2015. Just days before Thanksgiving. She was alone in a nursing home. How I wish I had gone to see her one last time. My forever friend, my mom.

We didn't always get along, my mother and me. When I was a teenager, I hated her and all that she was about. Trying to run my life, knowing now she just wanted to protect me. She loved me and didn't want to see me hurt. All I did was hurt her. I know she would go and cry her tears when she thought I wasn't around, but I heard. I wanted to do better, I really did. It tore my heart out to hear her cry over what I said or did. God, if I could take those times back! My mother was so strong...I think. Maybe she went through what I'm going through now?

You get to a point where you don't think you matter anymore to anyone. It's a hard place to be. When you're young, you try to plan out your life and set goals for the future. That's a great thing. I don't discourage anyone to do that. Just know, that sometimes it doesn't always happen that way. I wanted to own my own business. A cafe' that served coffee and maybe sandwiches or something. My dad even went out and bought me some signs to put in my cafe'. He really believed I was going to achieve my goal. Guess what? I didn't. I lost hope cause it costs money to have your own business, and money is what I didn't have. What did I get? A life at a retail store, struggling to make ends meet. It is what it is.

After all this, I want to end in a happy note. I will look to the future, to what is left of it and put my best foot forward, hoping for a new day. If I can do it, so can you. Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it...yet.!