Depression

When I was ten, I felt like I was going through a pretty big change mentally and spiritually. I became more aware of a lot of life's bigger questions. My personality was developing more too. And with that all, came the depression. All I could describe it as, was a dark shadow floating over me. A feeling like nothing else, and not something someone my age at the time, should be experiencing.

Maybe it was hormonal, or maybe spiritual. Regardless of what, it was the biggest battle I had been faced with, and it felt like I was losing.

When it started, I didn't know what was going on. I felt full of dread and sorrow. I didn't want to think about life, it felt pointless, everything did. And after life, depending on what you believe, the never ending forever of eternal life, or the deletion of your existence. Nothing was comforting. All I remember doing when those spells came over me, was sitting with my mom and crying in her arms. I felt absolutely hopeless.

I remember it going on for so long. I went to a couple different christian people with my mom for help, or answers, or anything. For me, turning to God was the answer. I didn't trust therapy or medications. I saw what it did to my sister who has ADHD. They just drug it out of you, or treat you like a mental patient. To this day, I know she still is affected by the way she was treated.

Nope. Not happening to me.

It was a cycle for awhile. I was fine all day, and at night, it would hit me hard. I had to use distractions like T.V., company from people, or anything that would keep it at bay.

Depression is darkness. It came to me in the night, with the feeling of darkness, and overwhelmed me with dark thoughts. To this day, it is still trying to overwhelm me at times of the year that are supposed to be the happiest. My happiness is the bait to depression.

My strength. It came from God for me. He is love, light, and all things good. Darkness can't grow in his presence. And it didn't. One night I was in one of those spells, and it hit me like a rock. I told the darkness to leave me alone, it didn't have any power over me anymore. And it was over. My strength was my positive thoughts. My empowering, positive thoughts drove it away. Along with the thought of God, the depression was gone.

Depression is a sneaky illness. It loves to hit you when you're down. You can guarantee that, if you struggle with it.

I haven't hardly dealt with it since I met my husband but I always get a feeling of it around Christmas. Or the ending of an especially enjoyable moment. I always remember my strength over it though. But there are times where I let it have control. I guess it's the fatigue of fighting. It's almost like I want to feel that way and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's habit. It doesn't last long, my husband wouldn't let it. He is definitely a light for me.

My advice for people who struggle with depression is, you have to realize who is in control. You can think of whatever you want to. You can do whatever you want to. And don't let your feelings be your deciding factor. Tell it to leave you alone, go away. Be around light, and happy people. Get up and get out. Yeah I know, it feels like you have cinder-blocks tied to your feet, but drag those suckers with you. When you want to get better, you will. That, is your deciding factor.