Delicious Moments and a Lovely Way of Being

Are you a Light Bringer or a Trash Monster? We’ll use the term trash monster to describe those who don’t use their light, don't know how to use it or don't know they even have one. If you have any interest... you’ll learn what it means to become a bringer of light.

Almost everyone’s been given the advice that you need to make the most of each moment and to enjoy the present moment as much as possible but there’s simply too much trash to contend with.

The bills to pay, the groceries to get, the stress of school or work or family, the political and or religious dogma, the expectations and the soul crushing societal norms that conspire to make trash monsters of us all.

If you’ll honor a gift, I’d like to share part of my journey with you, my path from being a trash monster to becoming a fledgling bringer of light.

I just had a conversation with a friend. Their name is Coral. They are a cousin of my partner, an empath and a light bringer. We just got back from a long walk in a state park near where I live. Coral is a bearer of the consciousness and awareness we need to not just survive, but to live our best lives. They're not a guru and don’t possess some sort of magic, but it would be easy for a transitioning trash monster like myself to think that.

Recently, many thanks to another friend and remarkable light bringer named April, I attended a retreat up in the Blue Ridge Mountains outside of Asheville, North Carolina. The primary focus of this retreat were workshops on NVC or Nonviolent Communication which is an incredibly useful tool, but the retreat was so much more than that.

It was a life changing experience in no uncertain terms.

I met some amazing people, had some of the most wonderful conversations and experienced moments of true joy. Many of the people there had an inner light which radiated out, touching everyone around them. The only way I can describe it is: ‘A Lightness of Being’.

I’m certain you’ve met a few of these people.

I’ve never had a great opinion of myself. In fact, I’ve wasted much of my life with self sabotage. You can effectively consider this story a sign post, something to take heed of. Life is precious, it’s shorter than you think and there’s no real evidence to suggest that there’s an actual afterlife no matter what religion you were born into.

I’m getting older and there’s no time left to waste.

In my conversation with Coral, I spoke of an awakening I had during a group experience years ago. I don’t remember the details of that experience now. What I do remember was a powerful energy that made me feel alive and complete. My hope was that I could keep it in the forefront and that it would become my guiding light, but memories fade.

I tried so hard to remember how it felt that it effectively overshadowed any good experience in the following year. I mourned the loss of the glow which that experience ignited as it dwindled to the point where it just went out. Like the last glowing ember of a campfire in the early morning hours.

I had a father who was at times, a physically abusive drunk and I’m really thankful that I had an amazing mom. It took a long time to realize that neither of my parents really wanted kids and even longer to accept the fact that there’s nothing wrong with that. At some point, I made the decision that I didn’t want children either. The big difference between my mom and my dad was that if you decide to keep your child, then you need to accept responsibility for raising that child. Other than financial support, my father couldn't be bothered with any of that responsibility.

One of the first workshops I attended at this retreat was called ‘Conversations on Death and Dying’. In years past, I was responsible to manage care for both my father and my mother in decline. Personally, it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. In this workshop, we talked about everything: Federal, State and Local law, The Five Wishes, Caring for the Caregiver and how those of us with first hand experience managed, or effectively avoided managing the feelings, the emotions, the grief and the incredible amount of stress that can occur.

What I didn’t realize was how well received sharing my experience would be. Apparently, it had real value for a few of those in attendance.

In another workshop, I was given the gift of an important word. A word I’d been searching for, for a long time. I required it in order to begin a desperately needed healing journey, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. That word was Trust.

When I was younger, my parents didn’t trust me to screw in a light bulb and when it came to managing my parents' care, some of my remaining family didn’t trust my ability to handle those responsibilities either.

I did the very best I could.

The person who ran the workshop and I had a conversation afterwards where they told me they could sense that I'd been carrying two great big logs on my shoulders. They looked deep into my eyes, held my hands and told me that it was time now… time to put them down. They held space for me as I cried uncontrollably.

The punishment for crying or showing any emotion when I was younger was being punched or slapped across the face so hard that I still find it difficult to be emotive at all.

Most of my life I considered myself a good friend. If someone I knew was having difficulty and needed someone to talk to, you bet I’d be there for them. Something new happened though. At this retreat, people I've never met trusted me enough to allow me to hold space for them while they shared very personal thoughts, feelings and emotions. I was honored and begrudgingly accepted that I might be worth something after all. I never valued myself because I didn’t feel trusted or valued by my family and the people who are supposed to matter the most.

Coral asked me a big question: What breaks your heart?

I described something magic that happened at this retreat. After all the workshops were done on the second day, there was a time slot with a card taped into it that said ‘DJ Dance Party’. The main building was this beautiful octagonal post and beam structure with a soaring open space and a hardwood floor.

I figured that after the crazy big downloads of valuable info from all the workshops, I could use an opportunity to stretch, move and shake it down. When it began, lots of people came out, but as time went on.. a majority of them left.

In the wee hours, the remaining people were goin' hard. There were five girls and three guys and we were dancing on fire. All of these people had something I wanted. They glowed so bright and just dancing with them was a gift, but at the end something unexpected happened. Something so sweet and so lovely that I tear up just thinking about it.

The last song came on and it was that version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Iz Kamakawiwo'ole. Many hands reached out for me and pulled me into a circle in the center of the dancefloor where the remaining eight of us held onto each other and swayed back and forth while singing that song together. Looking into each other's soft eyes, bathed in the glow of open hearts quite literally put me somewhere over the rainbow.

Like the moment I made mention of earlier, moments like this don’t happen often for me. When I got back home, I sent a message to one of the people in that circle.

Having met her earlier, I decided to honor her. I told her that she had a radiant lightness of being that seemed to touch everyone. An inner strength that must serve her well. A sense of playfulness and a great smile.

I told her that she was inspiring and that she inspired me to dig deep, uncovering a light that’s somehow still there. Shrouded by dark layers of heaviness from years of family responsibility which I had accepted.

Sharing that magic moment at the end of the dance party with her and the others made my heart feel like it would explode and I told her that I felt welcome to share that precious sweetness of life among gods and goddesses. I felt like a mere mortal in their company and honored to be included.

She embodied many of the qualities I admire and a way of being in this world that shouldn’t seem so uncommon. I told her it was a pleasure meeting her and I hoped that our paths in life cross again somewhere down the road.

To answer Coral's question, what breaks my heart is a feeling of lack. The lack of my ability to hold on to the heartbreaking joy of these blindingly bright, fleeting moments.

An important takeaway is that if you’re passionate about almost anything in life, you already have that glow inside.

Coral shared that they asked a person who led a program they attended about how he came to be a trusted source and how people continue to ask him to share his strengths, experience and knowledge.

His answer was that he just decided to ‘show up’.

He decided that he would focus on finding opportunities to share what he was passionate about. (you might want to read that again)

Showing up means that you find ways to share what makes you glow. When he began, he didn’t have specific credentials or any related higher education and he didn’t set out to become a cult figure or guru.

The constant, passive job of the light bringer is to lead by example and share what they’re passionate about. By doing so, their glow will continue to grow bright and steady. No need to hang on to those fleeting, delicious moments with every fiber because your inner glow and lightness of being will attract more and more of those joyful moments.

Any transitioning trash monster can feel a light bringer’s luminous being. It attracts them and without thought, they can become a vampire trash monster, demanding as much time and attention from a light bringer as they can get. They want that light, have no idea how to get it, so they consume as much of a light bringer’s energy as they are willing to allow.

So many failed relationships.

One person is like a glowing kite, soaring high on the thermal wind, ready at any moment to experience new things and go with their heart. Who wouldn't be attracted to that kind of energy? Meanwhile, they rely on their partner to be their anchor, and support their ravenous enjoyment of life.

There is an expectation that their partner will hold the string fast and not let go but give them the slack they need to soar. At the same time, there is this expectation that their partner will also grow and evolve along with them and lead a joyful life, but in order for that to happen sometimes you need to let them fly too.

I have a partner whom I’m grateful for, their encouragement and understanding necessary to change, grow and craft the person I desire to be. There has never been a statement more true than change being the only constant in life.

Coral shared a poem with me called Joy and Grief. A few lines from it highlight the fact that Joy cannot exist without Grief and that joy recognizes pain in another and lifts their spirit up too.

Joy reminds us that we don’t have to stay stuck here, in a literal or figurative place to honor the heartbreak we all experience.

For someone like me, it’s hard to accept the woo of the law of attraction types. It’s just like me to think: You want me to do what? Or, what kind of happy horseshit is this? I thought to myself as I was walking to breakfast on the third day of the retreat, that if a kid from Philly who grew up around the time I did in the environment I had, found themselves attending a retreat like this, they must be doing something right.

But why stay there, in that place of lack? Why let yourself be a trash monster for one minute longer than you have to? The real job of a light bringer is to say why stay there... when you can come over here.

Over here, we value passion and we live passionately. We share our passions and glow with a lightness of being that brings joy, joyful people and joyful experience into our lives. We show the trash monsters when they’re ready to see it, that there’s another way of being in this world.

It’s time. It’s time for you to show up.