Day 1: Sundays Suck When You Are Depressed

I've been wanting to start a blog about my mental wellness journey and seeing an ad for this site seemed like a sign that it was beyond time to start it. You have already missed so many fun times. Not really but a lot of stuff that I feel like is important to share and shed light on. Seeing as I have not been able to get out of bed yet, I'll start this one with a little background.

I was diagnosed with major depression when I was about 14. At that age I just wasn't in the right mind frame to deal with any of it though. I did not take the medication and when I went to therapists I was silent and surly. I just spent years shoving my emotions down deep and acting like my behavior was normal.

At 23, I went through a terrible break up from a horrible relationship. I wanted to end it for a long time but he would basically hold me hostage until I would "choose" to stay. But when he broke up with me and told me I was just nice and nothing else, I fucking lost it. I couldn't move on, mostly from the feelings of inadequacy and I felt like he was the only one that could fix those feelings. Remember, what broke you up will not be able to fix you. It took me years to realize the truth behind that saying.

At 29, I finally got help. That was only about 8 months ago. It took years of hating myself, several break downs, a lot of suicidal thoughts, and ruining pretty much every relationship in my life to get there. I know that it will only help when you are ready to help yourself but I wish I had gotten there sooner. Basically my entire 20's are lost years. I couldn't tell you anything about it, except that I cried A LOT. Now, I have made myself my full time job and let me tell you it is not easy. I am a bad co-worker most of the time.

My first diagnosis on this journey was ADHD. I had never really considered that an option but after it was explained to me how it shows up in females, I was convinced. But, every time I took the adderall I would just pass out. No doctor has been able to explain this. This diagnosis is still question but we have decided to put it on the back burner until I am able to go back to work.

Second, we talked about the possibility of it being bipolar. This one never seemed to fit because I've never had a manic episode. Some doctors still bring it up but it seems so off to me.

Finally, when I was hospitalized last month for suicidal thoughts, the doctor brought up borderline personality disorder. It was like the clouds parted, it made so much sense. The more I looked into it, the more it resonated with me. It feels incredible to finally have a word for my feelings and actions. I can finally move on to the part of making myself better. During that stay we changed up my meds and I have been relatively stable since. Meds are not magical though, they help you be able to help yourself. Years of doing the wrong thing is hard to break though and you can only take it one step at a time.

I hope that at least one person will get something out of this. I will try my hardest to update daily and take you on this journey with me. It's been kind of my personal goal to end the stigma lately because I know that if all of this seemed more normal when I was younger, I might have lived an entirely different life up until this point. I can change it and I like the person I am becoming, but all the missed opportunities and lost friendships still haunt me.

Thank you getting this far, talk to you tomorrow. Or maybe even just later today, I don't have anything planned and I probably will just be watching 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After? all day. If anyone watches it, Anfisa definitely has borderline. Perfect example.