Creation

Quite simply, I like to create. I cannot define one thing as something that gives inner peace, but many things that work in harmony.

The mind is a complicated thing. I have a mental illness; my emotions are quite turbulent.

I love the arts. I write what I hope to become literature. I don’t have the best skills, but regardless, I write books of between fifty thousand words and one-hundred and twenty-thousand words. I create artwork with my cheap Bosto graphics display tablet, and cheap software. I play the piano by ear, though I cannot read sheet music. I hope one day to get better at all of these things.

I stive for perfection, though I know perfect doesn’t exist. Not for me, not for anyone. Perfect is just a flawed concept. Once you think something is perfect, your mind may change in an instant due to learning more information which uncovers flaws. Others always have a different view. They will think perfection is something else. So, you see perfection is metaphysical in nature and dependent on the observer. I guess I strive to get better at everything.

One day I hope to simply be at a level that I’m proud of. In doing so I hope to find inner peace.

In writing I create my own worlds and in doing so I find expression and peace. I vent and I escape this world where there is currently so much pain and suffering, death and disease, hunger and violence, greed and apathy. The world is not a nice place, but as rocky said in one of the Rocky movies, “It’s about how many hits you can take and keep going.” Regardless, I escape and in doing so it gives me inner peace to some level and in doing so I will continue.

I write and write regardless as to whether I have the money for an editor or advertising. I will continue to take grammar courses on websites that are cheap or free and I continue on as if in the trenches. As if a soldier, I will simply do what it takes to make my writing instinctual, to drudge on when I don’t feel like it, and take ground. For that is what it takes for one such as I. It will give me a greater chance to succeed and at times I even enjoy it. In doing so I hope to find inner and outer peace and harmony with the world around me. I will give it my all.

Within my art I find some level of peace through the meditative act of focusing on one thing, to create an image with steady hands. My hands are by no means steady. Antipsychotics cause drug induced tremors. Regardless, as to whether I can hold my hands still to the level I used to in my young adult years, I still find meditation within the act of artwork where others would simply decide they can’t. Through pure focus on the task at hand, everything else melts away to some extent. So here I strive to learn different skills, though I will never be accomplished in this field.

I find different ways of doing things. I cannot draw a smooth straight line. So I zoom in and blur or blend, thus erasing the lines, smoothing them out. This in comparison to an artist who can draw a perfect line instantly is hideously slow in comparison. Regardless, art is good for me, art is good for all of us. Above is a piece I created that is under construction. There are always ways of completing a task for anyone. We have but to simply find the right way.

I tried to learn sheet music a long time ago and failed miserably, but here I found other ways to play. First learning what white keys are harmonic. I learnt to play with only the white keys, always making something different, but in harmony. I learnt what black keys worked with white keys in harmony and thus I play by ear. This all was developed through trial and error. I didn’t find known chords useful for this purpose. They confused me more than what I had figured out, regardless, I can now play. Where there is a will there is a way and in doing so, I feel harmony.

In truth inner and outer peace and harmony with those around us can be fleeting. It’s most likely to be a fleeting feeling in everyone, so to state that something gives you inner peace is irrelevant. The question is to ask are you content with your overall life. We all experience turmoil, sadness and anger. We are all harmed by things and helped by other things. This is just part of life, for without these feelings we would not recognize the good things at all. We would be depressed over things which wouldn’t faze a child. There would be no interest in life and we would not strive to improve either ourselves or our lives.

A message to those with mental illness. We are not damaged, only different. We are sometimes capable in areas where others are not, and there are always different ways to accomplish the same things.

In life we sometimes allow ourselves to become rusty. We lose skill or we develop it, but even when we have allowed ourselves to lose all our skill. I lost my skill completely and utterly before I set upon this quest of self-improvement. We can still work hard to achieve whatever our hearts desire. It takes hard work and we all improve slowly, but it’s worth it.

It may take years to get where you want to go. There’s a saying from the show Firefly, “When you can’t run you walk, when you can’t walk you crawl, and when you can’t crawl someone will carry you.” With some of us, though not all, it’s more like this. When you’re crawling, you crawl until you develop the strength to walk. When you walk, you develop the strength to run and when you can run, it is only then that you develop the ability to fly.

Keep up the good fight…

Luke Lenacio.