Connection
Scene of Being Seen
BASED ON A TRUE STORY BUT THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
It was sometime in the early 1990's. I had hit a rough patch that lasted months and was moving from town to town, homeless and hungry. One warm, sunny day I sat cross-legged in the grass outside a suburban mall, begging for food, spare change .... anything I could hustle. My beard was shaggy and touched with gray, and soot and dirt from the road discolored my frayed jeans. I positioned myself near the entrance so that the passing motorists would see my cardboard sign asking for hand-outs.
A young, pony-tailed brunette in her twenties approached me on foot, asking if she could buy me lunch. I was about to reply when a young man called out to me from a white pick-up. "Excuse me for a second, " I gestured to the girl as a young man passed me the remains of a bucket of Kentucky Fried chicken from the window of that truck.
"Here you go, man."
"Thanks, bud. God bless you, " I replied and then turned back to the young woman. "Well, I seem to have plenty of food at the moment," I said to her as she surveyed the cups and wrappers leftover from fast food items recently given to me.
Just then a couple in a blue jeep pulled up and handed me a wad of bills, so I put the cash in one of my used paper cups. Then a small red sports car buzzed by with a man's hand reaching out from the driver's side, dropping coins into the same cup.
The girl seemed a bit nervous and surveyed the surroundings before sitting cross-legged beside me. "Would you like me to call my pastor and get you a ride to the mission shelter in the city?" she asked.
"No, some friends and I are sleeping in the woods behind a shopping center. I do not want to go to the shelter," I replied, gesturing vaguely to a far-off location.
"I'm not sure how to help you then," she admitted.
I noticed she was looking directly at me, not like many who either pretended not to see me or merely handed me their spare change and leftovers from the food court. "My name is Andy," I said as I extended my right hand to her,
"I'm Samantha, " she smiled politely and shook my hand.
We talked for a few minutes, sharing our perspectives on life, faith, and struggles. She seemed frustrated with her limited ability to assist me. Instead of dwelling on my needs and hardships, I found myself reassuring her that I would survive, taking one day at a time.
"Well Samantha, I want to give you something," I said as I fumbled through my wallet and extracted a small pink card that contained the poem 'The Cross In My Pocket.' "You have done more for me today by sitting and chatting with me like this than all those who gave me food and cash!"
She looked a bit bewildered. "Are you sure you want to give that to me?"
"Yes, I do," I took her hand again as we both rose to our feet. I was a bit stunned when I realized she was quite a bit taller than me..about 5'10" or so. "Wow! You ARE a tall girl!" I exclaimed as she bid me goodbye and walked away into the afternoon sunlight on the asphalt, her long shadow lingering on my patch of grass and reminding me that our deepest need is for connection.
I never saw her again. Yet, I wonder...Does she still have my pink card in her wallet??
SPOILER ALERT: She does.
About the Creator
Julia Schulz
I enjoy crafting poetry and telling stories. I especially love being in the "zone" when I take a deep dive with my subject matter, developing characters and settings and researching topics like history and sustainable living.
Keep reading
More stories from Julia Schulz and writers in Psyche and other communities.
Angels Unawares Work Weekends
My girlfriend and I rang the doorbell to the side door of an old brick downtown church, and a tall, heavy-set woman in shorts with glasses and graying hair pulled back into a ponytail answered. "Can I help you?" she said in a rather deep alto voice. She appeared middle-aged, like us.
By Julia Schulzabout a year ago in Psyche
The Psychology of Overthinking at Night
Every night, the same ritual: I turn off the lights, close my eyes, and within minutes, my mind transforms into a courtroom where I'm simultaneously the defendant, prosecutor, and judge—and I'm always found guilty. It's 2:47 AM, and I'm mentally replaying a conversation from three days ago. Not an important conversation. Not a fight or a confrontation. Just a casual exchange with a coworker where I said something that might have sounded stupid. Probably didn't. But might have. My mind dissects every word, every pause, every facial expression I can remember. What did she mean when she said "interesting"? Was that genuine interest or polite dismissal? Did I talk too much? Did I sound arrogant? Should I have asked more questions? Round and round the thoughts spiral, each loop adding new layers of anxiety, new evidence of my social incompetence, new reasons why everyone probably thinks I'm insufferable. By 3:30 AM, I've catastrophized that one unremarkable conversation into proof that I'm about to be fired, that I have no real friends, that I'm fundamentally unlikeable and everyone's just been too polite to tell me. By 4:00 AM, I'm mentally composing an apology email for something that probably didn't even register as awkward to anyone but me. This is my nightly reality. And I know I'm not alone. The Midnight Court There's something uniquely cruel about the thoughts that arrive after midnight. They're not the same thoughts that visit during daylight hours. They're darker, meaner, more convincing. During the day, I can recognize irrational anxiety for what it is. I can talk myself down, use coping strategies, distract myself with work or conversation or movement. But at night, alone in the dark with nothing but my thoughts, those same anxieties become undeniable truths. The rational part of my brain goes offline, and suddenly every fear seems valid, every worst-case scenario seems inevitable, every mistake I've ever made seems unforgivable. I've replayed conversations from twenty years ago. I've worried about things that haven't happened yet and probably never will. I've mentally prepared for catastrophes that exist only in my imagination. I've solved problems that don't need solving and created problems that don't exist. My husband sleeps peacefully beside me while I lie awake, convinced that some minor misstep I made during the day has irreparably damaged my entire life. "Why do you do this?" he asked once, after finding me crying at 3 AM about something I couldn't even articulate. "Why do you torture yourself like this?" I didn't have an answer then. But I do now. The Science of the Spiral Our brains are fundamentally different at night. This isn't just psychological—it's biological. As my therapist explained it, the prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking, perspective, and emotional regulation—starts to power down as you get tired. Meanwhile, the amygdala, your brain's fear center, stays wide awake. It's like the adult supervisor leaving a room full of anxious children. Without the rational brain to provide context and perspective, your anxieties run wild, unchecked by logic or reason. Add to this the fact that nighttime naturally triggers our evolutionary threat-detection systems. For thousands of years, darkness meant vulnerability. Our ancestors who stayed alert at night, scanning for predators and dangers, were more likely to survive. We've inherited those vigilant, worried nighttime brains. But instead of scanning for predators, we scan our memories for social threats, professional failures, relationship problems, and existential fears. The isolation of night amplifies everything. During the day, we're distracted by a thousand stimuli—work, conversations, movement, light, noise. At night, there's just you and your thoughts. No distractions, no escape, nowhere to hide from the anxieties you've been outrunning all day. The Anxiety I've Carried I can trace my nighttime overthinking back to childhood, to nights spent lying awake listening to my parents fight, trying to predict whether the argument would escalate, rehearsing what I'd do if things got worse. I learned to be hypervigilant at night. To problem-solve in the dark. To mentally prepare for catastrophes while everyone else slept peacefully. That hypervigilance never left. Even though I'm safe now, even though there's no real threat, my brain still performs the same nightly ritual: scan for dangers, replay interactions for hidden meanings, prepare for worst-case scenarios. By the time I was thirty, nighttime overthinking had become so routine I barely questioned it. I thought everyone spent hours awake analyzing their day, worrying about tomorrow, catastrophizing about everything that could go wrong. It wasn't until my doctor suggested my chronic insomnia might be anxiety-related that I realized: this wasn't normal. This was my nervous system stuck in a loop, treating everyday life like a constant threat. The Topics That Haunt Us The content of nighttime overthinking follows predictable patterns. We don't lie awake thinking about our successes or the things that went well. We fixate on: Social interactions. Every conversation becomes evidence of our inadequacy. "Why did I say that? What did they think? Did I sound stupid? Do they hate me now?" Past mistakes. Things we did years ago, mistakes we've already apologized for, embarrassments that probably no one else even remembers—they all resurface at 2 AM with fresh urgency. Future catastrophes. Our minds spin elaborate disaster scenarios. What if I lose my job? What if my partner leaves? What if I get sick? What if everything falls apart? Existential dread. Who am I? What's the point? Am I wasting my life? Have I made all the wrong choices? Physical symptoms. A headache becomes a brain tumor. Fatigue becomes a serious illness. Every bodily sensation becomes potential evidence of imminent death. The darkness amplifies everything, stripping away the perspective and proportion that daylight provides. A minor awkwardness becomes social catastrophe. A small worry becomes existential crisis. The Exhausting Performance What makes nighttime overthinking so damaging isn't just the lost sleep—it's the way it bleeds into the next day. I'd wake up exhausted, my mind still heavy with the previous night's anxieties. I'd drag myself through the day, caffeine-fueled and barely present, already dreading the moment I'd have to go to bed again and face another night of mental torture. The overthinking created a vicious cycle. The anxiety kept me awake, which made me more tired, which made my prefrontal cortex even less effective the next night, which led to even worse overthinking. I started avoiding sleep. I'd stay up late scrolling my phone, watching TV, doing anything to delay the moment I'd have to turn off the lights and face my thoughts. Which of course made everything worse. My relationships suffered. I'd be irritable and withdrawn, too exhausted to be present. My work suffered—it's hard to focus during the day when you've spent the night catastrophizing about everything that could go wrong. But the worst part was the shame. I felt weak for not being able to control my own thoughts. I felt ridiculous for losing sleep over things that seemed so trivial in the morning. I felt alone, convinced that everyone else had figured out how to turn off their brains at night while I remained broken. The Breaking Point The crisis came during a particularly bad week when I'd averaged maybe three hours of sleep a night. I was sitting in a meeting at work, and my boss asked me a direct question. My mind went completely blank. I couldn't remember where I was or what we were discussing. I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and had a panic attack in a stall. This couldn't continue. The nighttime overthinking wasn't just stealing my sleep—it was stealing my life. That afternoon, I called a therapist who specialized in anxiety and insomnia. "Tell me about your nights," she said. I described the spiral—the replaying of conversations, the catastrophizing, the inability to shut my brain off, the shame of lying awake while everyone else slept peacefully. "You're not broken," she said. "Your brain is doing exactly what anxious brains do at night. But we can teach it something different." The Work of Quieting the Mind Healing nighttime overthinking wasn't about thinking my way out of it—it was about changing my relationship with my thoughts. My therapist taught me that thoughts at 3 AM aren't truth—they're just thoughts, colored by fatigue, darkness, and an offline prefrontal cortex. I didn't need to believe them or solve them. I just needed to acknowledge them and let them pass. We practiced cognitive defusion—learning to observe my thoughts without getting caught in them. Instead of "I'm going to get fired," I'd think "I'm having the thought that I'm going to get fired." Small shift, massive difference. It created space between me and the anxiety. I learned the "worry window" technique—setting aside 15 minutes during the day to deliberately worry about everything on my mind. When nighttime anxieties appeared, I could tell myself, "Already addressed this during worry time. Moving on." I established a wind-down routine that signaled to my nervous system that it was safe to sleep. No screens for an hour before bed. Gentle stretching. Reading something light. Making my bedroom a sanctuary rather than a courtroom. I practiced grounding techniques when the spiral started. Five things I could see, four I could touch, three I could hear. Counting breaths. Anything to bring me back to the present moment instead of the catastrophic future my mind was creating. The Unexpected Discoveries As I worked on the nighttime overthinking, I started noticing patterns. The spiral was worst on days when I'd ignored my feelings, when I'd pushed through stress without acknowledging it, when I'd said yes when I meant no. The nighttime overthinking wasn't random. It was my psyche's way of processing things I hadn't dealt with during the day. All the feelings I'd stuffed down, all the concerns I'd dismissed, all the stress I'd tried to outrun—it all surfaced at night when my defenses were down. I started addressing things in real-time instead of stockpiling them for the 3 AM review. If a conversation bothered me, I'd process it during the day instead of waiting for my exhausted nighttime brain to catastrophize it. If I was stressed, I'd acknowledge it instead of pretending I was fine. The less I suppressed during the day, the less my brain had to process at night.
By Ameer Moavia7 days ago in Psyche
Comments (1)
Taking time to connect and communicate, beautiful story of a small kindness!!!❤️❤️💕