Cha Cha Changes

I have decided that I am a mess. It took me a while to realize this. I have been given a lot of labels throughout my life but I think this one fits pretty well. I have a complicated past and an uncertain future. I realize this could be anybody, but I can only account for MY MESS. Maybe you want to hear about it although most people don’t. It’s pretty cringy. It’s extremely messy. I have recently understood that good and bad are relative terms. You may think I’m good, you may think I’m bad, I think I’m definitely both, but I am the only ME that I can be. Let me introduce myself.

Hi, my name is Crystal. I turned 40 this year. For my birthday I got screwed. My life has changed so dramatically in the past year that most who know me barely recognize me. Or, maybe I should say those who used to know me. In January I was married. I had one daughter at home and one daughter expecting. I was working as a college tutor in a town of about 4,000. Now it’s November and I am single and homeless, living in a city of about 169,000. Did you catch that? I’m LIVING. I’m here fighting through every single day.

See, I was married for 20 years to the father of my children. Well, in 20 years of raising kids and maintaining a home and family people get to see you in whatever light that fits what you are to them. Wife, Mother, Daughter, Daughter-in-law, Friend, Neighbor….you get the picture. I realized that most people in my life only know me to the extent needed to meet their needs. I felt at times like I was drowning, and no one even saw it. So, I decided to step out of some of those roles and see who I was. I decided that I wanted to know ME. Myself.

Mental illness of any kind is hard to manage. It’s hard for people to understand because they don’t see the fight. They just see the results played out in my life. I want to tell you about it. I need to be understood. I know that I will be chastised, chided, and judged. But I need to talk about it. Hopefully, you will gain some understanding of the struggles that I, along with countless others, go through just to live. I have no job. I have a truck that is falling apart after it was stolen last month. I have no insurance and my tags are expired. My windshield is busted. The driver door doesn’t open or close correctly. The ignition is busted out so I’m starting it with a screwdriver. Anyone could drive off in it at any time.

So if I can tell my story and at least get enough readers to fix my truck, I would be so thankful. If I can sustain it, and make enough money to support myself I will be amazed. I was denied 10 years ago for disability, even with a lawyer. I was told that I was afraid of my own success. I decided to test that theory, I powered through and graduated from college, with honors.

I have several debilitating conditions that impact my life every single day. Major depressive disorder, anxiety, and ADHD, to name a few. I have fought for this life, literally. I have battled mental illness and poverty and stigmatism. I have been to the very depths of despair and lost all hope, but I survived. I battled suicide today. Just as I have countless times over my 40 years. So far, I have always won that battle. I may lose the battle tomorrow, but that is not for me to know. Today, I survived the fight inside myself.