Carefully Taught
Lessons
Growing up hypervigilant, waiting for the people in charge of your life to veer off kilter and bring wrath and ruin.
Yeah. I didn't realize what that would mean to me as an adult.
Reading the room, watching for agreement or budding objections: that made me really good at sales. And corporate survival. (At the expense of sharing my own views, at times= woman that knows her 'place').
Sure, sure, sure: my nerves were just screwed at a young age, and ok- sure; I was bulimic (but it wasn't anorexia, so I'm good, right?), and yeah yeah yeah; my parents called me a drama queen and a klutz, but royalty is royalty, amiright?
Okay okay- so maybe I got married at 19 hoping against hope and believing the lie that 'I'll love you forever' meant that my life would have security, and my value was finally seen and appreciated, and life would be what I'd always dreamed about for myself.
Stable job, steady partner= what could go wrong? and alright already: emotional affairs don't mean that love is gone.
oh wait- it does? Maybe I can earn back that security by keeping everything perfect? Perfect house. Tranquil. GLIDE, GIRL, GLIDE! So bulimia is back and the rage translates to horrific strictness and punishment on the smaller denizens of the house in an effort to make things perfect?
cool cool cool. Not for not trying, though. Oh yes- you tried. Every trick in the book that had kept you as safe as possible until now. Watching. Anticipating. Disappearing.
So that didn't work: alone for real now and horrid person how can you be surprised it didn't work?
On your own for the first time and hoping, working, struggles, unwise choices... then happiness. Even though you were afraid to TRY AGAIN and TRUST. You took the chance. Through job loss and night terrors and now it's you and me side by side.
Plans to live the last parts of your life no longer AFRAID. Working together to FINALLY HAVE THAT SECURITY that dripped through your fingers for decades.
Plans. Dreams.
Community, trying new things. Building that life.
Hope.
NOW? Now though? Now I wake up every morning with that old familiar fear rising in my chest and my throat closing with worry and my mind screaming
"Are you prepared for what is coming? What has he done? What will he do?"
The dreams are back.
The startle at noises.
The reading the room and now taking in ALL THE INFORMATION FROM THE EVERYWHERE (Oh- the amount of information now! but I am stronger and I can hold it) watching closely so you are ready to.... to... do what?
There is no where to run. Appeasing has never worked for long. (You know that, as you look at your hands while you type with that crookedy-healed broken thumb from that time long ago).
Speaking up has cost you more than you ever thought you'd bear to pay. Past chickens have come home to roost and there's a piper that needs paid- but please God how must there still be a price for something I never meant to purchase?
How much rice= security?
How many tomato plants= good night's sleep?
Will solar panels work?
What exactly IS a life straw?
Where are my crochet hooks to create sleeping mats out of these horrid-for-the-environment-plastic-bags, just in case we need them?
Twice in my life I 'nested' in preparation of hard, ripping my body, work. Twice in my life I prepared for major life upheaval, bringing order to my surroundings instinctually. Women have done is for as long as women have existed.
Making things safe for the arrival of someone that would depend on us, someone we would protect. I never though that I would do this at 64, again. Never thought that I'd work again to clean, straighten, lay in stores, feather that next of my home again in preparation to nurture a small young one.
But I am.
This time it's for me.
That little girl waking in fear, afraid that there will 'not be enough'. That the angry man will go too far this time. This is familiar, deep down and in a place that I thought was sealed and forgotten.
I am watching the world and assessing the threats again. No more running. Closing the ranks by extending hands and hearts to those that see it, too. Making room for those still blind but maybe, just perhaps: blind but soon they'll see.
Someday we can take the deep breaths again.
About the Creator
Judey Kalchik
It's my time to find and use my voice.
Poetry, short stories, memories, and a lot of things I think and wish I'd known a long time ago.
You can also find me on Medium
And please follow me on Threads, too!
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Comments (17)
This piece is so vividly powerful… I like the hopeful, resolute conclusion.
Your exploration of learned behaviors and prejudices highlights the intricate interplay between societal conditioning and individual thought. Understanding these dynamics is crucial in unraveling the complexities of human interaction. It raises the question: how can we, through conscious effort and education, rewire ingrained biases to foster a more inclusive and equitable society?
I love/ hate how relatable this is with the idea of always being on alert when it comes to your surroundings... I totally feel that!! Anyway, congrats on third most liked story this week!!
🫂 hugs, Judey, I hate to think that you are feeling this way.
The way how you see love and feel it is brilliant. I subscribed you to give my support and I welcome you to read my ones too 🥰!
It’s rare to feel so seen through someone else’s words—deeply resonant, Judey Kalchik- Truly great work
Profound, eloquent & full of strength! Nicely done Judey! 💪🏾🌸
Good luck
Thank you, Judey for another piece of insightful and inspiring writing. I so agree that in life we often must leave that comfort zone of safety to be able to move forward and to have some peace of mind and a sense of accomplishment. It’s hard leaving that safety zone. What if I messed up outside of that zone? I’ve done it many times. Sometimes I’m successful other times I make a mess of things. But if I don’t make a mess of things I never learn. I hear what you were saying here Judey and I really appreciate you stepping out of that comfort zone to share your thoughts and philosophies. You are one of those people that is helping to shape and make change for the better.
This time it's for me. That little girl waking in fear, afraid that there will 'not be enough'. That the angry man will go too far this time. This is familiar, deep down and in a place that I thought was sealed and forgotten. I am watching the world and assessing the threats again. No more running. Closing the ranks by extending hands and hearts to those that see it, too. Making room for those still blind but maybe, just perhaps: blind but soon they'll see.
Very good work, congrats 😊👏
Probably my favorite song from "South Pacific", & James Taylor does a wonderful job with it. Is everything ok, my friend? Blessings & prayers.
I don't know you well enough to comment to reassure and feel it would be fatuous to do so. These are troubling times. I still feel though like the world is full of good people and I am reminded of this every day. They are just quieter and not so attention seeking. I hope expressing how you feel helped.
i read and liked this earlier. had to put it down after finishing it and think before commenting. the pacing throughout lends itself to the intensifying experiences and hastened decisions you made as control slipped. this sort of calm or peace with circumstance you describe toward the end, this older and wiser you caring and making space for child you, is so stunning and truly such an important/integral part of healing and resilience. hold others close, hold yourself closer ❤️ thank you for sharing this vulnerable piece. love knowing more about your story.
I hate that you're feeling like this, but I get it. It's hard to hold on to positivity in this messed up world. 🤗
Well done
Every now and again I find a piece that completely breaks my heart and this is one of them. You gave us a montage of your life, your trauma, your hopes, your dreams, failures and new perspectives. Please forgive me if I am not concluding the bit at the end correctly… going from being that person that had to create a nest for someone who would then depend on you, to recreating that nest for you, because you’ve become that young one. Reduced to needing that safety yourself, because it was never given you… wow I’m blown away this is a masterpiece, but please let me know that you’re alright, that writing this, helped relieve some of that pain. 💔😭