Can You Love The Addiction Out Of Somebody?

I’ve been spending some time on Reddit lately, answering questions about addiction and sharing my own experiences. As expected, tons of posts were from people struggling with addiction issues looking for advice.

I also noticed tons of posts from people who loved an addict and did not know how to help them. This got me quite emotional and made me think about all the people who tried to love the addiction out of me and the pain it must have caused them when they inevitably failed.

So I decided to explore the topic in-depth and share what I learned.

Can you love the addiction out of somebody?

Sadly, love is not enough to make somebody change. This is a general rule of life, applying to many different areas, but it is especially true regarding addiction.

The only person that can make an addict change is the addict. The unfortunate truth about trying to love the addiction out of somebody is that you will inevitably fail.

Not only will you not save the person you love, but you will also hurt yourself. Expecting an addict to change before they are ready will leave you feeling helpless, lost, and alone.

Does getting angry with an addict help?

Unfortunately, this also will not do any good. Getting mad only adds fuel to the fire, providing an excuse to use again or use more heavily.

Think about it like this. An addict uses because they feel bad and cannot bear these feelings without being intoxicated in some way. Making the addict feel worse will push them further into the darkness.

You need to accept that the addict can only change when they figure out how or have the strength to do so. You can decide whether to keep them in your life or not, but getting mad at them for not changing when they are incapable is not good for anyone.

If anger could make an addict healthy, addiction would be cured. We already hate ourselves more than anybody else possibly could, so there's no point.

Why do people with addiction issues hurt those who love them?

They do not do it intentionally. Addiction makes people behave in ways that are not characteristic of the person when healthy. I look back at my behaviours in active addiction, and it seems like a different person. I often beat myself up over ever behaving in such ways.

What pains me the most is the pain I have caused the people I love and who love me. The constant manipulation, guilt trips, and chaos can cause so much pain for the people in the addict’s life. I often think of what I put my poor father through and break down in tears.

Our substance of choice, the demon we are addicted to, completely hijacks our hierarchy of needs, putting itself at the top. The drug or alcohol becomes more important than shelter, health, family, friends, work, etc.

It feels like life or death, like we could not survive without the substance. The addiction takes complete control, diminishing any feelings of choice.

When can love help an addict?

The time for love is when the addict tries to change. When they reach out for help, admitting they have a problem, and are willing to do the necessary work to get sober.

This is when love can help. This is the time to shower the person with love and support. The shame from past behaviours and the pain you caused loved ones is overwhelming in early sobriety.

It makes you feel like everybody hates you, you deserve to be alone forever, and you are the worst human being on the planet. In my experience, this is the biggest challenge in staying sober, especially in early sobriety.

Love and support can have such a huge impact and this stage. I don’t think I would have ever had a chance without my dad and dog's love. The feelings of shame and loneliness would have killed me or at least made me use again.

If somebody you care about is struggling with addiction, you should love and support them but don’t expect love to be enough to change them. Change only occurs when the addict is ready, and continuing their lifestyle becomes more painful than changing.