Borderline Personality Disorder

There are so many misconceptions around Borderline Personality Disorder.

“BPD isn’t a real illness, you’re just being over the top and over-reacting.”

“You’re being melodramatic and you’re attention seeking.”

"You're just making it an excuse for your psycho behaviours."

The truth is, unless you have it, it’s so difficult to explain how it feels. It’s so hard for someone to understand your outbursts of intense emotions when they have no idea what is going through your mind. If you attempt to do so, you may feel as if you’re trying to explain Stephen Hawking's Theory of Time to a toddler… it’s impossible. Even if you manage to get your words out in an orderly fashion that makes some kind of sense, the fact of the matter is, they won’t get it. You don’t even get it.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Sometimes confused with and misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, is often characterised by the inability to stabilise moods and impulsiveness, and affects how an individual interacts with other people when forming or during relationships. Although there is no direct cause, research suggests that both genetic and environmental factors contribute to this disorder.

Symptoms of BPD.

Although there is a wide range of symptoms, not all of them have to be present in an individual for a professional to come to the diagnosis of BPD.

Emotional Instability:

An individual may experience bouts of emotional instability, such as anger, terror and sadness, which last anywhere between a few hours to a few days. Once these episodes have finished, their emotions return to a more ‘normal and acceptable’ state.

Unstable Thinking Patterns:

Feelings of not being good enough and not being able to see their self-worth are common thoughts. They may also experience hallucinations or hear voices when going through a BPD episode. People suffering with BPD often have thoughts about self-harming and show suicidal tendencies. Just because they display these signs, doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to attempt to commit suicide, but BPD is now associated with the higher rates of suicide across the world.

Impulsive Behaviours:

BPD sufferers may often show signs of impulsiveness, this can range from things such as binge-eating, overspending, gambling, unprotected sex with strangers or drug/alcohol misuse. Again, a person doesn’t have to take part in all these activities to be diagnosed with BPD.

BPD Myth-busting.

There are a lot of myths and miscommunications surrounding BPD sufferers, either through the media or just purely because people lack knowledge on this particular topic. Probably one of the lesser spoken about illnesses, it is imperative that people are educated on all mental health issues, which would help to identify and understanding of symptoms not only for those who suffer from BPD, but for those who may know someone who lives with it.

Not knowing why you are acting the way you are is stressful enough without people labelling you as crazy.

MYTH #1: People who say they have BPD are emotional hypochondriacs.

Wrong, oh so wrong. Self-destructive behaviours such as aggressive outbursts or self harm (or thoughts of self harm) are not us being attention seeking, it is purely that we do not have good coping methods to help calm us down from emotional distress. We can’t process or logically react to certain situations. We act in ways which seem extreme and completely irrational. What we do in fact, is have a constant internal battle, and often get irritated at the way we behave, as we know it’s not how we should be dealing with situations. This leaves us being left in frustration and not being taken seriously as we‘re seen to be ‘over-reacting’.

We just need a little time. You may not understand how we feel, but all it takes is to listen and show that you care.

MYTH #2: People with BPD are destructive, violent and manipulative.

Yes, I’ll openly admit that we do have aggressive and sometimes violent outbursts, but out of the BPD symptoms this is only a fraction of what we deal with. These episodes can seem as though they have been masterfully planned out, but we don’t have much, if any, control over these. As for being manipulative, we’re too impulsive to be doing this consciously, we act in the moment and our behaviour isn’t premeditated. We say and do things without giving it a second thought. I often find myself throwing words around and as soon as they've left my mouth I think 'why the hell did I just say that?!'

The suffering is sometimes unbearable and this causes us to explode over the smallest of things - I once cried because I had to open a new tube of toothpaste, what an inconvenience, right?! We act and say things before our mind has been given time to process the outcome of our words or actions.

MYTH #3: All people who have BPD have been through severe childhood trauma.

Again... WRONG! When you think of childhood trauma, I can almost guarantee you think of living in a violent household, or being sexually abused during your childhood years. A lot of people believe that if you are diagnosed with BPD that you’ve been through this kind of trauma. This isn’t the case, not for me and not for a lot of other people who suffer with it. It’s true that it can be a massive contributing factor towards BPD, but you don’t have to have been through something major in your childhood that dictates your diagnosis. For example, my dad left the family when I was four, which I don't really have any recollection of, and then my step-dad left when I was 17. In psychological terms it basically means that I never had a stable male relationship whilst I was growing up, also known as 'Daddy Issues' - yay!!

Attachment theory plays a big role in this, whether that be in childhood or moving into your adolescence years. Diagnosis assessments often ask about your childhood and the attachments, or lack of, during this time. So in my case, the lack of male attachments during my childhood mixed with the lack of male attachments in my adolescent and adult years, all now contribute towards the way I expect future relationships to pan out. I find it hard to trust people and even when I feel as though I do, I expect the worst case scenario and often jump to conclusions without any evidence, getting angry and irritated, before anything has even happened. It’s more than just being able to put your trust in someone, but also the fear of abandonment and lack of self-worth, which is amplified because of past ‘traumas’.

MYTH #4: BPD is a choice, they don't help themselves.

If I ever heard someone say that to my face, I would probably punch them (BPD aside). Trust me when I say, if we could choose a life with or without BPD it would definitely be without it. It's honestly so draining, I can't even begin to explain to you. We spend the entirety of our days trying to refrain from doing anything that may make us look like absolute kooks. It's emotionally tiring. You get pissed about the most stupid of things, then get mad at yourself because you know you're being irrational, but there's literally nothing you can do about it.

MYTH #5: So basically you've got Bipolar?

In the simplest of ways, no. BPD and Bipolar do have similar traits, for example, the extreme changes of emotions. Although they usually occur between depressive or hypo-manic episodes, being extremely low or extremely happy. Another factor that doesn't relate to Bipolar is the fear of abandonment, which is a key focus of BPD. The episodes that come with BPD are caused by internal conflict, and occur moment to moment. Meaning that once minute we will be fine, then the next we can become overly irrational, literally within a split second. People who suffer with Bipolar usually only have that mental health issue to deal with, but with BPD, most likely they will experience other issues alongside it.

MYTH #6: There's no cure for BPD.

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. It's quite sad, that as a mental illness, it's very unlikely that you will be able to make it go away for good, but with the help of various therapies, it can make it a lot more manageable. There isn't a drug that is licensed to treat this disorder, but research has shown that by undergoing psychotherapies (talking therapies) such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) and Psychodynamic Therapy, it can help the individual come to terms with their diagnosis. By learning how to pinpoint certain characteristics and triggers, professionals can provide coping mechanisms and techniques to alleviate distress and help regulate emotions.

What Not to Say to a BPD Sufferer, and How You Can Help.

Why are you so angry all the time?

Just don't. Please, don't.

WE DON'T KNOW!!!

I very rarely know why I get so angry, especially over insignificant things. Like I mentioned earlier, the toothpaste that made me cry, well once I punched a wall because I got angry that an ex boyfriend told me it was going to take him two hours to get home instead of an hour and a half like usual... because of traffic. Then I was in a mood when he got in. I know what you're all thinking... "it's not like he wasn't coming home!" In that moment, I saw red, and I guess I just wanted him home because I hadn't seen him all day. It didn't even cross my mind that he'd been out the house for nearly 14 hours and was now sat in traffic, when all he wanted to do was to get home himself. It's a vicious circle, because once I got in that mood, I start to overthink, and then when I overthink I make up ridiculous scenarios in my head, which makes everything 100 times worse.

You're like six different people.

People often joke around and say that I have multiple personalities, what one am I going to be today? It's not like that. I don't have split-personality disorder. Just sometimes, my emotions are hard to control. I'm still me, just maybe a bit more upset or angry than I was yesterday. We have good days and bad days, we don't get to pick or choose.

You're pathetic, stop being paranoid!

Trust me, if I could then I would. It's not like I choose to think that someones talking about me, or that a boyfriend could be down the pub talking to other girls. It kind of makes it worse when people tell me to stop being paranoid or call me pathetic for feeling the way I do, it makes me think that they're saying it to try and hide something - you see where I'm going with this. All we need is a little reassurance and understanding on your part. Yes, okay it might be annoying calling your BPD riddled girlfriend every hour just to check in and put her mind at ease, but for the most part it really helps, more than we can tell you without sounding like a needy lunatic. Leading me onto my next point...

You're SO needy!

We get it, we know we're intense sometimes, if not the majority of the time. We just love. We love so hard, and you won't get that amount of love from someone 'normal'. So look at it as a bonus.

I can't cope with you.

How can I put this nicely? Leave then. Honestly, we try so hard to accommodate people in our lives whilst battling with these intense emotions, if you feel like you can't 'cope' with me trying to express my feelings about something, or you can't deal with my moods, try living with it... Please, then come back and tell me how you got on. Even if you don't know what to say, then just listen, just be present in the moment and let us talk utter bollocks, because to us that means something.

At the end of the day...

I don't want to have to feel like I've programmed myself to say that I'm okay because I feel people genuinely don't care, but a lot of the time I do. It's sad to feel as though you're not good enough and have to fight daily battles with the voices inside your head continuously arguing. It's hard waking up in the morning and thinking "you've got this" only to feel like that for maybe half the day if that, until you slowly slip back into the reality that is BPD.

Don't pick and choose what mental health disorder you are tolerant of. We don't mean to be like this. We know it's not normal, we try, so hard. So please try to understand what it's like living with BPD.

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