Philophobia

Although it doesn’t appear in medical dictionaries, philophobia is the term used to describe someone who is scared of being in or falling in love. It is a type of anticipatory anxiety, something in which can present itself before a situation and outcome has occurred. It is draining (trust me) and can last for months in the lead up to an event, in this case, love.

At present, it is not included in medical literature and doctors and psychologists are not certain about what causes it. There is no professional diagnosis, and it is not included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5). Like other types of anxiety and phobias, it can affect you regardless or your age, race or gender. Psychoanalysts believe that some contributing key factors that can bring on philophobia include traumatic events or periods in an individual’s life, learned childhood experiences or even possibly genetics. This leaves the diagnosis open to interpretation on a very broad spectrum.

People would argue that philophobia isn't a 'thing' and that maybe people who fear being or falling in love are being over dramatic or overly sensitive. Yes, love is beautiful, and it should be one of the most amazing parts of someone’s life, but it's scary. To me, it is scary. A combination of rejection, unfaithful partners, abandonment and being made to feel insignificant has all contributed to the way I now see love. Shit scary. The mind is a weird but wonderful thing, and sometimes I wish it wasn't so complex. As a psychology student we're told not to psychoanalyse ourselves based on the theories and research we study, but I do, it’s in my nature to compare myself to other people and self-diagnose. Social contribution and events along with your genetic makeup ultimately create who you are as a person as your life progresses. For example, I'm a hopeless romantic, I always have been. I mean as a 90’s kid, I grew up watching fairy-tale Disney films like Snow White and Cinderella, and I think, probably like the majority of girls from that era, we created this vision in our heads that after finding love, regardless of the journey, it all seemed so effortless thereon after. You finally find your Prince Charming, you pull up to your wedding in a big white carriage and marry the love of your life. The end.

British philosopher, Alan Watts once spoke about the fear of falling in love and describes it as a 'ghastly risk' and 'an act of gamble', and to give yourself to someone is an act of surrender. Honestly, I couldn't agree more.

The moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith, because you don’t really know that the floors not going to give in to your feet. The moment you take a journey what an act of faith. The moment you enter into any kind of human undertaking in relationship what an act of faith you see you’ve given yourself up. But this is the most powerful thing that can be done surrender see and love is an act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you.

Relationship after relationship, it gets harder, or at least to me it did. I’ve been in positions where I was clearly the one giving more, the one being 100% present within the relationship. Relationship failures make it harder to give yourself to someone the next time around. The struggle of the fear that what happened before will, inevitably, happen again. And as hard as you try not to let this affect you, it does.

I'll give you a bit of background and let you in on a bit of my relationship history, not in too much detail, because hey, who wants to be bored with that?!

Boyfriend at 21. Miscarriage and surgery at 22. Pregnant again at 22, relationship ended three months into pregnancy. Gave birth at 23. We hated each other for months, but I'm thankful we get on well now. We've both grown up a lot since I had my son.

New relationship, the relationship that fucked me up on so many different levels. Any guy after would have their work cut out, and for that I'm sorry. He was in the army and based 4000 miles away from where I lived, doing this was trust on a whole new level, you have to have a whole lot of trust to be in a relationship with someone who lives so far away from you. We visited Paris, Prague and New York. It was great... to start with. Then he cheated on me, I took him back. He cheated on me again, I stupidly took him back... again. He made me feel insignificant and as though I wasn't good enough. Other girls were better than me. I wasn't pretty and my personality didn't meet his standards (jokes on him because I'm actually funny as fuck). He was lazy and loved to start arguments over nothing. He became more secretive with his phone and he spent more time with his 'friends' than he did me. The third time he cheated on me, that was it. I was 27 by this point, I had a four-year-old. It was a volatile relationship. He was toxic and by the end I'd lost my confident self to him. The thought of being in another relationship again after him terrified me.

Cue my next failure of a relationship. What a whirlwind. What heartbreak. Another miscarriage. Another surgery. Another let down. Being the centre of blame for something I had no control over, if you've read my previous post about miscarriage you'll know what I'm talking about, if you haven't then go take a look, you'll hate him as much as I do. "I can't be with you knowing you lost the baby." Ouch. I know, what a dick right?

So here I am, left with a mind full of insecurities, fighting the voices in my head on a daily basis that tell me I'm not enough, I'm not good enough for someone to want to actually be with. I'd forgotten who I was. All because of a couple of guys. My trust non-existent, my confidence was on the floor, shattered into a million tiny pieces.

After a while, and with help from my family and friends I started to rebuild myself, I lost weight and cut my hair. This is your warning, if you have your heart broken GO AND RE-INVENT YOURSELF! My best friend knows I do this every time I go through a breakup. I'll get the obligatory text "Hey girl, when do you want your hair done and how much are we taking off?" I love her, she gets it, and she never fails to make me feel like the baddest bitch.

After a while I started dating again online, Tinder. What a very strange place. Such a variety of males all on one platform. What an absolute shit show. The types of guys I spoke to/went on dates with include:

• The can I have a nude? guys.

• The I look nothing like my profile guys.

• The I forgot my bank card on a date guys.

• The wanna fuck? guys.

• The dick pic guys – FYI your tiny penis did end up in the girls group chat, and yes we did all laugh at you.

• The I’m ready for a relationship guys – who ended up still being in love with their ex-girlfriends.

• The overly nice guys - yes there is such a thing as an overly nice guy. Yuck!

• The serial killer guys.

It was an eye opener, a massive, what the actual fuck? kind of eye opener. I gave up. I only used it to pass the time, I had accepted the fact that my knight in shining armour was not going to be found amongst the sea of creeps that Tinder presented.

I guess the thought of giving myself to someone again, was just too much. I needed to find myself and start learning to love who I was as a person before I jumped into something else. So that’s exactly what I’m doing!

There is no expiration on heartbreak, but when you’re ready to move on, you will, you’ll find someone incredible, and everything that happened in the past, will all be worth it.