Black Note Blues

Katherine Severn’s soft footsteps were drowned by the sound of rainfall, which was itself so common in Portland the sound of it against her umbrella went unnoticed. As she walked under the ivy-draped walkways of her friend’s apartment, she retracted her umbrella and shook it off before leaning it by the door and knocking.

“Just a second!” came the response. A full minute later, the door opened and Ellie let Katherine inside. Having known her for years, the delay was no surprise to Katherine. “Let me get that for you!” Ellie said, taking Katherine’s guitar case and carrying into the kitchen to dry off with a dish-towel. “I appreciate you coming to my place, I know it would have—” Katherine interrupted.

“It’s fine, El. I drive, you don’t. Besides, I assume you’re still recovering from … whoever you brought home last night.” Ellie flipped Katherine off with a smile as Katherine returned the gesture. Katherine removed her shoes and sat on the couch. “So, I’ve come up with a few riffs. I don’t know if anything I have will fit whatever lyrics you’ve been writing, but I guess we’ll find out.” she said, somewhat forcefully.

“If not, I’ll come up with something new. We always figure it out. I’m just glad we’re working together again. Let me get my notebook.” Ellie turned to run into her bedroom, leaving the guitar in the kitchen. Only after returning with her composition book and sitting down on the couch did she remember and retrieve her friend’s instrument.

“Sorry, Katherine. I’m always so distractible.”

“El, don’t worry about it, seriously. At least you’re not as bad as you were in high school,” she said, opening up her guitar case and pulling out her Martin acoustic.

Ellie gestured to a small black notebook that remained in case. “Oh, did you start writing down the tabs for your songs? I thought you just remembered them,” she inquired. Katherine silently cursed herself for hiding the book in her guitar case. She simply hadn’t wanted her girlfriend to find it.

“No, I was just hiding it from Rini. It’s more like a journal.” Katherine sat, frozen in place. I just want to focus on the music … please do not make today about that fucking notebook, she thought.

“Oh, I didn’t know you kept a diary. You know, a lot of people had their private musings published! I am not saying you should necessarily do that, but could I look through it? Maybe there’s a gem or two we could get some inspiration from and一”

“Could we please just focus on the music today?” she said with more anger than she intended. There was silence for a moment before Ellie spoke again. “Dude … are you okay? I was talking about finding ideas for the music. I’m sorry if I upset you, but you don’t have to snap at me,” she said. Katherine immediately felt a wave of regret. She sighed and prepared to explain herself.

“I’m sorry. Rini and I got into it again last night. Anytime I try to tell her that I’m upset she says she isn’t responsible for my feelings. If I try to explain myself, she accuses me of ‘talking in circles’ and goes to bed. That isn’t your fault though. If you want to look at the notebook, you can.” Katherine sighed again, not sure what to expect.

“I can’t say I’m not interested, but you don’t have to show me. Not responsible for your feelings? I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries here, but there’s a difference between not being held responsible and not caring. I don’t think Rini’s a bad person, I just think she’s wrong on this one. I know she doesn’t like me … but I kind of deserved that. I wasn’t in a good place when she and I met.”

Katherine shook her head. “No, she doesn’t,” Katherine began, chuckling softly, “... but I know you aren’t calling her a bitch or anything. It just frustrates me that we can’t even communicate about communicating. It feels like the only thing I can talk to sometimes is that notebook.”

The two of them look down at the black leatherbound journal. Katherine stared into the space between her friend’s concerned expression and the notebook itself. Ellie looked up at Katherine, and when she made eye contact, spoke again. “What do you write about?”

“You don’t want to just read it?” Katherine asked, confused.

“I do, but I want to know why you have such mixed feelings about it. Do you write about Rini? Your fights?” She paused. “Actually, let me start over. I know what you two normally fight about. Couple stuff. Communication, yes, but also money and sex. Which was it about this time?” Ellie asked with an upward inflection.

Katherine sighed, frustrated because Ellie’s assessment of the things couples argue about was a gross oversimplification, but more so because she was right in this case. “Those aren’t the only … nevermind, yes, it was about money. I have this $20,000 in the bank that I don’t want to touch, right? I put it in a savings account and I just let it sit there and gain interest. Rini wants me to use it as a vacation fund for us, but we already have a vacation fund. We take one every year: I don’t see the issue with keeping this set aside.” Katherine ended her explanation, practically spitting her words.

Ellie listened, nodding every few seconds. “I know that couples usually try to think of money as a shared thing. Combined finances and all that … but may I ask where the money came from?”

“... It’s that money my Dad tried to screw me out of when my Mom died. Remember how—”

This time Ellie cut her off. “I remember … I thought he spent it though. Wasn’t your Dad asking you for money a little while back? I’m surprised he managed to put enough together to pay you back … or … that he bothered to at all, frankly. Not to be insensitive, but it isn’t as if he was ever much of a father… or your mother much of a mother for that matter. I wish I’d known about them sooner. I mean, your mom, sure … but your father in particular. It’s not like I could have kicked his ass for you or anything, or even like you would have needed help doing that yourself … but I could have been there for you. I could have let you sleep over more or just … I don’t know, I could have given you validation. Not just that what he did to you wasn’t your fault, but that you were a worthy person.”

Katherine could feel tears coming, but as always, she pushed them back down. “Look, I appreciate that, but we were nineteen. There was no way you could have known what was going on and I sure as hell wasn’t sharing. My mom hit me, my dad fucked me. At least it was only the once, right? Other people had it worse. Fuck, your mom had it worse with her dad and she is the best person I’ve ever met.”

“Katherine, you know that wasn't your fault though. You could have been the most perfect human being ever to be born, and he still would have been a fucking rapist,” said Ellie, sharply correcting her friend.

“Yeah, I know. Anyway … I got the money back now, so who cares, right?” said Katherine dismissively.

“Katherine … why did he give it back now? What changed?” Ellie asked, looking into her eyes.

Katherine shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. He can’t ever bother me again.”

Ellie’s eyes widened as understanding seemed to wash over her. Katherine’s words hung in the air. For Katherine, these seconds ticked past slowly, elongated by her own emotionally dilated senses. She stared at Ellie with glassy, seemingly uncaring eyes. Ellie finally broke the silence to ask the question Katherine knew was coming. “He’s gone, isn’t he?”

“He finally overdosed. Like I always knew he would. He left me the same fucking $20,000 mom left me. If Jack were still around, he might try to screw me out of it just like dad did,” she said, talking about her older brother. “I don’t care. I didn’t care when my mom died and I don’t care that he’s gone … but seeing them that way … I don’t ever want to end up like that, El. I can’t,” she said allowing the tears to fall at last.

“Hey, listen to me, if you don’t want to go like them, stop drinking so much and stop fucking smoking! I know you work out and do your martial arts, but—”

“It doesn’t matter how I would go, I just don’t want anyone to ever see me like that … but then the dark clouds get into my head and I just want to be gone. Some days I feel like no one would care if they saw me that way. Curled up in a ball, lying in my own waste, dead or dying. Don’t say you would. I know you want to say that, but don’t say you would care. There’s a difference between feeling like no one cares and having someone else say they care, okay? So just don’t.” She sat still, staring into Ellie's eyes.

“... What do you write about in the notebook, Katherine?” she asked, flatly.

“I fucking write about killing myself, okay? I don’t see why you want me to say it out loud. You already know I think about it. I don’t want to live like this, but I also don’t want to let anyone see me dead or dying, so I’m stuck. The only good constant in my life is this guitar,” said Katherine, on a bittersweet note.

“... And me, dude. You have other people too. I know you and Rini have troubles right now, but she loves you. I know that for a fact. Don’t forget I introduced you two.”

“You wanted her for yourself, you bitch!” said Katherine, laughing through the tears.

“Exactly! She went straight for you and she’s been with you ever since. I see why too. Just because I never tried to fuck you doesn’t mean that I don’t see why people want to. You’re a beautiful, badass bitch who could kill everyone in her path if you wanted to, but instead you choose to share all that fucking pain through music. You turned your pain into a mirror to reflect the beauty in the world and it helped me figure out who I am. Doesn’t your therapist tell you to give yourself a break? You’re allowed to have complex emotions that take time to explain. Even if you can’t explain them to yourself. Now please ... put the guitar down for two seconds so I can hug you and then let’s write a damn song, okay?”

Katherine obliged gratefully, setting the guitar down and embracing Ellie in her powerful arms as the smaller framed woman hugged her back. “I love you, El,” she said, her tears staining her friend’s shirt.

“I love you too, buddy. Always. You better stop talking shit about Katherine though, that girl is my best friend.” They laughed.

“I just … the blues, you know?” Katherine mused.

Ellie held Katherine for several seconds. Katherine knew that no single conversation could make everything right, but she was comforted that Ellie and their music would always be there. Ellie soothing words summed it all up for her: “I know. Nothing will ever be all right … and that's all right.”