Bipolar Business: What I Wish I'd Known Before My Diagnosis

I wasn't prepared for this. I'm not prepared for most things really, but I really wasn't prepared to have to essentially learn how to live again. Bipolar is emotionally divergent; trying to treat it is like feeling everything in a strange deja vu state. I didn't know that at the time, but man I wish I did. I wish I'd known a few things before I started medication.

1. My Brain is Sick

Now, if I'm being honest, I've been formally diagnosed with bipolar three times. It's only this last time that I've taken it seriously. Third time's a charm and all that.

It's hard to accept that my brain is disordered. I look at the symptoms and clinical research into bipolar and I don't see anything that could apply to me. Mania? That's just happy. Depressive? That's just my normal mood. Impulse control? I'm plenty disciplined. Unstable moods? Everyone has mood swings.

Do you see the problem? It's really easy to argue and self-diagnose, especially when you so badly want to be okay. It's hard to hear that I'm wrong. It's even harder to hear I'm wrong when I don't think that I am. Even now, I have to keep reminding myself that my brain is unwell. It doesn't feel unwell, but then again - how would I know?

2. The Episodes Still Come

Bipolar is weird. I guess every mental illness is quirky in its own right, but that's not my lane. Most days can be fine. With the right medication cocktail, most days can even great. I'm productive and grateful and creative and content. It's easily the best I've ever felt, even though I'm calmer now.

But sometimes, for no reason except something glitched, the days get bad. I feel like the bipolar has hands and just likes to keep me in line every so often. I never expect it. I never wake up in the morning expecting to be moody, or to have something trigger an episode during an otherwise fun time. It happens anyway.

The episodes hurt worse this time. I know how great I felt the day before and the sudden scene change feels almost like a betrayal from the universe. It doesn't seem fair. Is that petty? Probably. But I'm also bitter about having to suffer through this disorder for the rest of my life, which brings me to my next lesson.

3. Bipolar is a Lifestyle

I'm thinking it's a lifestyle that shouldn't have its own dating app anytime soon.

In earnest now: bipolar isn't curable, and rarely are people stable for life. Every day from now until my deathbed, I will need to somehow control this miserable beast and make sure if it gets out, it doesn't bite anyone but me. That's such a shitty burden to bear. And I hear these people out there saying mental illness is no excuse to be an asshole, and while I agree, sometimes I have to dwell in self-pity knowing that even medicated and as stable as possible, people can and will hate me for something I can't control.

Every day is a chance for things to go wrong. I hate to sound like a downer, but that's the reality of living with bipolar. Some days, the world turns upside down and no one knows why, least of all you. And now I've got to worry about my loved ones abandoning me because it's hard to know when someone's glass has totally run dry. I always worry if this will be the good day when everyone is happy and at peace, or if this will be the bad day where this episode is the last straw and I end up alone.

Welcome to Bipolar Roulette.

4. I'm not Bipolar; I have Bipolar

Look, I say it. You say it. My psychiatrist says it. My dead goldfish from 2007 says it even still. But it's important to get into the habit of knowing the difference.

It feels big sometimes. Both figuratively and literally. The disorder and my own fears and paranoia around it seem to dominate my life no matter how hard I try to ignore it. My head feels like it'll explode.

If I'm wearing the bipolar uniform, that kind of makes me bipolar, yes?

It's easier to think of my disorder as a medical problem separate from me. I also suffer from eczema, woe is me, and I like to think of them as somewhat in the same category. It sucks, I'll have it forever, but I'll just use the medicine and deal with it when it flares.

I like trivializing it. It makes it a lot less daunting for me to think about as though it's just an inconvenience attached to me, and it's a lot easier to forgive myself and remember that I'm not broken. Never was. Never will be.

5. I am Crazy Loved

It's not all black clouds and howling wolves out there. Sometimes, the hardest, most trying events of your life end up being the ones that draw people together rather than tear them apart.

The reason I ultimately ended up going back to a psychiatrist was because I was getting really bad. It felt like it just sprung up one day, although I'm doubting that's true. What's definitely true is that it hurt like hell and I felt like shit. It wasn't just a day, or even just a few days. Every day was terrible, a lot of days were downright apocalyptic. It was exhausting and kind of traumatizing in its own right.

I can't imagine what it was like for my fiancé to deal with me acting like that for... I don't know how long. Months? Years? I didn't know I was unstable, even though it was probably obvious to him a long time ago. But for some reason, he's still around. I tried cracking the door open at night with some food on the porch, but I can't get him to leave.

I've never understood love, I think, until I started treatment. Maybe because my emotions are different now, or maybe because I can see a little more clearly how hard this all is. But he's been here through thick and thin. Through the fights and crying. Through all the days I said, "sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me."

When the episodes hit, I don't see that love and it's easy to think I'll be abandoned forever. But the other 90% of the time, I'm overwhelmed with how grateful I am for him and everything he's done for me, and for us.

It's hard. Mental illness is hard. There are so many other things that would have made my life easier at the start. There are a ton of things that I could be doing now that could help, but those will have to be on the next list. And there will surely be more lists because there's no telling what I'll learn about myself on any given day.