Little Miss "Am I Happy or Manic?"

Today's a good day and I'm in a good mood. The sun is shining and my cats are cute, and I'm mulling over all the things I'm grateful for.

It took me a little while to realize that I was happy, as dumb as that sounds. It's funny how easy it is to detect the bad days and overlook the good ones, but probably not unique to me.

I'm on the living room floor playing with my cat. We're both having the time of our lives and I'm singing her a song. It hit me like a bag of bricks - that feeling of... something that's hard to describe. It's something akin to being ashamed of things you haven't done yet. The moment I start to smile and enjoy my weekend, I tense up and wonder if I'm actually just hypomanic.

I feel like that's not fair. I've spent my entire life with this tangled knot of a brain, and now that I'm finally trying to get better, feeling better starts to make me feel worse. It's as if this disease is hellbent on taking everything positive away from me until it's the only thing that remains. And worse yet, I'm sitting here feeding the beast by letting it scare me and warp my entire perception of reality until I literally can't tell how I feel.

I'm so damn happy. I'm having such a great day and I just want to enjoy it and make it the best day it can be. I want to feel this way. I like feeling this way. But I can't tell if I'm okay to be feeling like this, given how unstable my emotions are and how quickly I can slip one way or the other and derail my entire environment.

I never know when the mania is coming. Some people are better with that than me, and I'm envious. By the time I realize that I'm in a manic state, the damage is done and the train is already at full speed. But I do know how mania feels and I've got to say, it feels a lot like happiness.

Do normal people question their emotions? Do you? Do you wonder if they're real, or just some chemicals sloshing in the wrong pipes? Do you ever start to have a thought and immediately wonder where it came from? It feels like second nature, to constantly wonder if I'm truly happy, or truly angry, or if I'm manic or in a rage, but it does start to feel tedious. Especially on days like today when I just want to calmly exist.

Some people burst into song when they're happy. Others laugh or hug. If I do any of those things, people immediately start to grow concerned. I mean - I get it. I don't have the best track record with rapidly changing moods. But it does feel like something was stolen from me before I even got a chance to see what it was. I don't think I'd be the type to burst into song, but this disorder never even gave me the option.

My mood is getting weird now. Probably because I keep psychoanalyzing myself and sitting in fear that I'll end up doing something I'll regret tomorrow. So does that mean my mood was legit? It wasn't mania? So then I've just pissed it away for nothing by worrying myself to bits all day. I could have actually enjoyed my happy day had I just not been myself.

But what if it really is mania and I'm making a bigger mess for me for later? What if it's not? What if it's just the caffeine? What if it's just a good dose of sunshine? What if it doesn't really matter?

If your happiness comes at the expense of an increased chance of a manic episode, does that mean you're no longer deserving of being happy?

It doesn't really matter if I'm manic, or just happy, I suppose. I'm scared of me either way.