BFFR to be F-R-E-E

When you were younger, did anyone ever ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up? Some of us may have said things like “nurse,” “firefighter,” or “teacher.” I used to tell people that I wanted to be a lawyer, pediatrician, or writer. Although I am a writer now and I’m on my way to becoming a doctor, I wish I would’ve changed my answer when I was younger. I wish I would’ve said that I wanted to be….for real…(BFFR to be exact lol).

Blame my high sensitivity, but I can literally feel when someone isn’t being themselves. I cringe as they camouflage and my muscles tense as they mask. I can see right through someone’s facade that’s prohibiting their freedom and I hate it for them. I hate that somehow, they were convinced that they had to lie to live. But trust me I don't judge. I don’t judge because that was once me. I didn’t feel safe to fully be myself in society or in front of others. And honestly I still don’t to a certain extent. But what I realized is that even if no one else in the world gets my outfit, understands my music taste, or makes me feel safe; the one place that I have to fully be myself is...in front of myself. It was time to free the woman from behind the bars in my brain. I wanted to live outside of my head and actually embrace the creative, highly sensitive, bold, and different woman that I am. But in order to do that, there were things I had to be for real about. Let’s explore it…

1. Trauma Desires vs. True Desires

Trauma desires are what I like to describe as things the unhealed version of us seek. These tend to be unhealthy things like prolonged periods of isolation, abandonment, and rejection. You may be thinking “who actually wants someone to abandon them?” You’ll be surprised…Sometimes we subconsciously don’t feel good enough so we may seek abandonment to affirm that deep-rooted insecurity. This may result in us sabotaging opportunities or relationships by not responding or not showing up well, so that the person or opportunity passes us by. We are then left feeling even more alone, unloved, and unworthy. These feelings of loneliness and unworthiness will keep us running towards solitude, even though that’s not what we actually want. Hence, why it is a trauma desire not a true desire.

A true desire would be the thing you actually want deep down inside. If society didn’t have a say, if your parents wouldn’t judge you, if you weren't afraid of what people would think; your true desire is the thing that you would go for. There’s a trend going around on social media that basically says that our coping mechanisms are usually the opposite of our love languages. So those of us who actually want quality time, we may choose to isolate when we’re coping. Those of us who value acts of service, we may choose to be very independent when coping. If you are always in a fight-or-flight state, then you are always coping. Which means that you are probably never experiencing the way you actually want to be loved. So instead of experiencing the things we actually want in real life, we’ll probably settle by daydreaming about what we want and live a fantasy in our heads. But why? Why don’t we allow our true desires to manifest instead of succumbing to our trauma desires? I think it’s because of number 2….

2. Fear.

I remember when I first started my program to become a medical assistant. I decided to pursue being a medical assistant to help gain clinical experience before applying to med school. Becoming a doctor is a bit of a career change for me. After graduating college with a Bachelor of Arts, I dedicated most of my professional life to my writing career. I have no medical experience at all. Pursuing becoming a doctor felt like I had to start all the way from the bottom, but I didn’t care; I really want to do this. I was so excited about my medical journey right up until the very first discussion post was due; that’s when I felt fear for the first time. Although I am a very skilled writer, that has even written for celebrity tv hosts, I was convinced that all of my writing skills went out of the door when I had to write about the cardiovascular system. I could feel the fear bubbling inside of me as I embarked on this new journey. For the first time I felt extremely nervous about something I really wanted.

Sometimes that fear, or nervousness, stops us from pursuing something we deeply desire. I’m grateful that I know myself well enough to know how to calm myself down whenever I feel overwhelmed or afraid. The most essential thing that I did was not ignore the fear; I addressed it. I simply acknowledged that I was nervous and began to explore why. My exploration of my nervousness helped me begin to empathize with myself. I discovered that I was mostly nervous simply because healthcare is a brand new and very different journey for me. Following this revelation within myself, I immediately began to calm down. (Fear loses its power when you acknowledge it, remember that!). Instead of writing my discussion post, I decided to write in my journal. As I emphasized with myself and validated my own feelings, I was actually empowering myself to defeat the nervousness. Eventually after journaling, I was ready to try my best with the discussion post and that’s exactly what I did.

I'm telling you guys this story because I want you to know that when you go after your true desires you may experience fear. The fear may actually feel more intense, the more you actually want that desire. Just because you feel fear does not mean that it’s the wrong thing to do. Some people may tell you to “do it afraid” but I just want to make sure you’re not ignoring or bypassing your emotions. Instead, acknowledge it and even empathize with yourself. Take it slow. Be for real. Address how you're really feeling. Accept and address what you're afraid of. If you can, take some time to journal through the emotions (here’s some links to a few journals if you need one). It’s interesting how we can be so afraid of something that we deeply want. I think it could be because we need to embrace number 3….

3. Two Things Can Exist At The Same Time

A lot of times we are held back because we think of things in a black or white manner. For instance, we may think “if I’m this nervous, this must not be the career for me.” No, you can actually be super nervous and super excited about the same thing, at the same time. This is where it is essential to be for real. Listen to all of the emotions in your body, not just one of them. We have to start embracing the concept of duality. We have to start believing that two things really can exist at the same time. You can be scared and want something at the same time. You can be healing and in love at the same time. You can be a good person and still struggle with things at the same time. You are a human, with complexities, it’s okay if things are gray. Life isn’t all black or white.

I believe embracing these 3 concepts could help you start your journey of being for real with yourself. Even if you never feel like you can be real in front of anyone else, at the very least be for real in front of yourself. These are just some things that I’ve learned on my journey of getting free. It first started with me being for real about things such as: "what do I want," and "what’s holding me back?" The more I was real with myself, the more freedom I experienced. I think the same can happen for you. BFFR to be F-R-E-E. Go after what you want. For some of you, all you have to do is open up to what you really want. It’s right in front of you, just embrace it!