Behind the Mask

I could write symphonies with the pain and heartbreak you introduced me to, and really I can't even say introduced, but it is the magnitude of which you re-birthed the phoenix in which I came.

See, everyone wants the ride or die type until they have it and see it comes with personal growth and discernment of toxic behaviors. Everyone wants the woman that's going to cradle your head in her lap, while you slam with friends on Call of Duty; but, that softness comes with the effort and placement of security and safety. No woman wants a man who's interested in nine other women. No woman wants to be criticized for every hiccup she has along her own journey- and side note, men, you're human too. Let's not pretend you already don't have an array of historical patterns that are simply put, intolerable for the good woman. No woman wants to fight for your attention and be disregarded when bringing legitimate concerns to the table. You don't get your cake and eat it too, with us real ladies, looking to build an empire.

And the night you came to my rescue, my real knight in shining armor, boy was I smitten from the start. Eyes that crashed into your soul, like waves of excitement through my bones. The smirk, just enough to see a beautiful smile hidden behind, but hidden enough to get me curious to know more. You pulled up on your motorcycle, stretching before giving me a hug and inviting me to sit behind you- I felt special, I felt important, but I missed every red flag up into this moment. I still can't decipher whether it was real, or if it never was meant to be spent. Some days, I think the hyper excitement was a gift, but only for you, as the next 2.5 years were anything but heaven sent.

The next flag was the breaking point for us, I happily grabbed my purse and left at your request. I don't think you were ready for that, but I had told you from the start- you've met your match. I knew the ending before it truly began, from the disrespect and harassment of your parents to the avoidance of any true communication. I stated what I needed, what I wanted and was looking for- you never had to guess, never had to read my mind, never had to question- that all began because you knew you were dishonest. I think you knew very quickly I was a challenge, not easily manipulated, not easily coerced- that wisdom came from pain I had vulnerably opened up to you about. I also knew, if you were a snake, you would soon shed your skin with that information.

And you did, almost immediately.

You told me tales of your journey before me, I was so excited to hear about you and show you, all women weren't the same. I saw the disappointment view, because that's what you chose to show me. You told me lore of how your exes broke your heart, your spirit, your mind. You told me how they destroyed sentimental things and stole from you. I pitied the women who didn't see the beautiful potential standing in front of them. I was grateful I had an opportunity, to give love to the one, who would embrace it. I was devoted to you long before you even felt for me, because that's the person I am. I mean what I say and say what I mean, and that was no secret to you, in fact, I think you thrived on that. I think I made you feel seen, at least you thought I only saw the good, and I won't lie to you- in the beginning, I did.

But that's the thing with us empaths, we feel it all.

I couldn't put my finger on it, but something always felt off. The butterflies were continuous and eventually, I started trying to convince myself that I was overthinking because of my previous experience. Escaping by a millisecond and realizing, I had a type to deflect and I was far too panicked by the violence to pay attention that the butterflies were a warning, not a sensation. It was off and on for the next 2 years of our relationship. Beyond the injustice that occurred, I felt trapped; furthermore, than I had been previously. Everything collapsed so quickly, I didn't even have time to process what had just happened. I remember spending days upon days crying my eyes out, begging the universe to just end the pain- and wouldn't you know it, I started gaining my clarity.

Everything you had claimed broke your heart, was now your opportunity to bring me down, every time I started taking a stand. Everything you had relayed to me, these heinous actions from people who allegedly hurt you, were now my reality. My car was tampered with, my belongings destroyed, public humiliation and slander, which affected not only public perception, but my years of work in advocacy; and whether my defense and screaming for justice, for us both, looked like a mockery. You begged countless times, promising promises you were never going to retain. I watched you calculated and played the hand I was dealt.

I was always three steps ahead of you, embracing the wisdom I needed to attune. I was calculating an escape, I was watching what made you bend and what made you break. I started building walls around myself, built with intention of protection and disconnection, because I saw the poison dripping from your eyes. You always salivating at the opportunity to feel powerful, because denial was always your scapegoat. Illusion was always the best lie, even to yourself. I let you tear me apart with your words and actions, stonewalling me into my final panic attacks and dissatisfaction, giving me the courage I had been manifesting.

After the torment stopped and everything fell quiet, inside my soul I made myself a promise. To never accept bare minimum as effort in devotion, to never accept abuse as an appropriate response to communication, to never give my power to someone without a handle on their emotions. You didn't have to hit me to break me apart. You took my trust and faith I'd given to you and made me call you a mistake. My intuition was alerting me, I failed to recognize, but the wisdom earned in this chaos, was worth every tear I shed for your loss. And then the day came, you set fire to everything we could've ever became.

"I could end your world with one phone call."

You've since came to state that it was not intended to sound as haunting as it was, but it's exactly what you stated. You threatened to take me away from my babies forever, you threatened to steal a life that wasn't yours to take, and even to this day, there's no words left to say.

I've met a man since you, one with the gentle voice and reassurance of a dove. One who picks me up when the day is hard and reminds me how beautiful I am. How proud he is of me and how he can't see a life without me. One who watches the movies I like and finds humor and love in the smallest of things. One who listens when I talk of you, explaining how sad I was and all I was trying to accomplish and how I'm scared of that repeating and I won't tolerate it, to finish the night tucking me in safely and promising to cherish my heart as you should have. This man climbed every wall, took every chance, met me in every light and still finds time daily to remind me that I'm his sunshine. That I'm still alive, I'm still shining. Being loved like that, being understood, being seen and cherished in all my shades- was all I ever asked of you.

Not a worry in sight, I trust this man of mine.

I'll finish with this reminder, women are magic and can bring magic to your life. I was the color in your den of beige, but I was more than that. I was your teammate, your therapist, your lover, and your biggest fan. I encouraged you, I rooted for you, always always always on your biggest defense. I don't see it as time wasted, I see it as time earned. I had to cross paths with you to meet the man of my future. I had to learn some lessons to break the cycle completely. And that was work I've done and continue to do, no credit or thanks to you.