Be the Hero in your story... Even if you start out the villain

(A very true story) A few years ago I was married, a daughter, just purchased a brand new home and started a new job in a field that worked very hard to break into. I pretty much felt like I had it all. I do believe that any other person or anyone outside looking in would have thought, "Wow that guy is so lucky." Well I was very lucky, very grateful, but I wasn't very happy. This isn't a sudden feeling this was years of build up. How can I not be happy when I have so much? Answer: I wasn't myself. I wasn't me. I was who others wanted me to be. This is what makes me a good husband, person, and father. But a lot of it wasn't me. Then the news of expecting another kid. A son. I was very happy for the news but still not happy. It was my marriage.

For years, we had small issues but major communication problems. I figured all marriages are like this right? Well no, not exactly. After so long I stopped fighting. I stopped caring. I really hate the saying "Happy Wife Happy Life" because I feel that basically is a F*** you to every husband. I gave in. My normal job duties put me into risky situations. Deployments overseas but I was NOT in the military (anymore). I stopped that for her. I worked very hard to get a job that would keep me close to home because well that is what a husband does. Right? Comes home every day to hear the problems of the home , what needs to be done, and how that weekend I was looking forward to just relaxing is some event I feel dragged to. Don't get me wrong I'm not an introvert. I love to meet new people and get outside. IN MY WAY. In this, its forced. So I went to events like this negatively from the invite. I wasn't myself. I wasn't the fun loving, nothing bothers me, constantly smiling me. I was a version of me that I DIDNT DESIGN.

So love started pulling back. I recall times when my ex wife would gossip about other people and their relationships. "They should just hurry up and get a divorce. They will never work." These little comments were the seed and the silent long nights of me staying awake while she went to bed alone were the water. I had hoped that maybe just like when our daughter was born this feeling of so much love and fulfilment would come rushing in. It did not.... Not towards her anyway. Sorry to sound cold but its the truth. I love being a dad. I love my kids very much but I did not love my wife. The spark we had already tried to spark before.

Long before the though of my son, there was a family trip to beautiful St. Augustine Florida. There I was the best man to my military bro's wedding. My wife and daughter tagged along. I wanted to bring my daughter but I did not want to bring my wife. We had been arguing, about what I don't even remember, but I didn't want the awkward silence. Even though being honest that was my own fault. I watched a youtube video recently that labelled that as malicious in a relationship. I agree. Anyway, so we go and we have a good time, but we never had a good time together. Even taking my daughter to the ocean for the 1st time. We all went together but the experience was done in shifts. Talks felt force, dinners were painful, and talking to the other members of the wedding party were the only time I felt I could be myself. I'm sure she felt the same. Then the wedding, maybe the moment that SEED I mentioned above was put into fertile soil. I had a great time there dancing with my daughter and joking with my now new extended family. Before, her and I were the IT couple of any wedding. Always dancing together, always looking like we falling in love over and over again. Not this time. This time she found like minded people she could speak to and I was dancing the night away. My friend's mom came up to me and said "I'll watch your girl... go dance with your wife." Ugghhhh... ok this is dumb.. she is right... I ask her to dance.... and she said NO.

Now in the back of this, I'm sure you are wondering well how in the hell does this make you a villain? TITLE SAYS YOU THANOS BASICALLY. Well there was someone else. A close friend (Lia) for years that I never in million years thought I would want a romantic relationship with. Now this was after the Florida trip and during the height of the Covid quarantines in the US. Way before I even looked at Lia. I was content that my marriage was over. I wanted out. Even while she was pregnant, YES I wanted out. I still did all the duties of a husband and father but I knew I was not going to be happy going further. I had talks with a friend of mine going through a similar situation. He said that he could go because of the kids. I said you can still be an amazing father and still be happy. A loveless marriage, kids pick up on that stuff. They will grow up saying things like "They should just hurry up and get a divorce.. They will never work" (Reference back to the top). So he is still unhappy, married and lives with his kids. While me, I'm still a in pursuit of happiness , divorced, and amazing father (I think).

TOO BE CONTINUED....