As my mind wonders

I’m paranoid, everytime I step outside I think I’m going to die. I live day by day with thoughts of only how will I survive. I’ve been through pain and I’ve made others feel pain. I’ve contemplated the value of life a million times, I’ve played out the scenarios of every different step I could possibly take and in the end I’d lost my mind or died. I spend my nights with thoughts that turn into images, or dreams that turn to life. What’s bad is I witness my death every night. Im often sleepless because I can’t wrap my mind around my emotions. I can sense my end is around the corner. Im anxious and I feel like I'm choking, I’m lonely but all alone is how I’ve all ways been. I hold no peace just anger shedding tears as I’m loading this banger. Problem solved if the trigger squeezed… but I could never I’ve been through it all when I’m at my lowest I fail to stand tall then I contemplate how could I end it all. I know I say I’m alone because that’s how I feel in side but I got family and I got friends but my mind is battling a God called depression. My emotions get the best of me I wonder if I died tonight would I pass on to something heavenly but I know I’ve lived the life where the man upstairs just isn’t expecting me. I wish I could place the blame on someone else… thanks for neglecting ~sincerely your son I needed your bond or your shoulder so that I can lean on, you can’t cuddle me from the world but it would’ve helped a few times. I’m going crazy all alone I ain’t been picking up the phone I ain’t talking to the guys asking what they on I’ve been chasing myself I’ve been chasing my mind and emotion I’ve been so hopeless I’ve been so soulless. I’m on these drugs till there’s no return. I’m hurting I don’t know how I keep moving on enduring all this pain I just know my heart is shriveled up, i know no body understands what’s going on. I’ve lived a crazy life I lost the closest of my friends. I done seen cops kill the kids that look just like me. I harbor all the hardships I’ve endured in side of me I tried so hard to push it to the side of me. I keep on erupting with anger cause pain still lingers from it all I was a young kid always stood tall I lost my dad and I didn’t know how to deal with it all I’m the middle child so I always had things rough I felt like my momma hated me could you imagine the toll that takes on an 8 year old. As I got older I craved love and it did me no better because I couldn’t love myself unless I was getting money. I’ve been searching for love so desperately I had to learn the hard way it wasn’t only sex I need. I needed someone to hold me and connect with me I need that intimacy come smoke a couple blunts with me as I hold you close comfortably that’s my type of love you see. I don’t like people next to me but I like you next to me. I don’t want no one stressing me I wanna live stress free. Come find some peace in me Im hoping that you’ll see it in me. Don’t tell me you don’t wanna be with me I’m expressing how I feel deep fully. There’s more to this man than what you seen from me take me out my shell open up to me I wanna know what do you think it means to be free because that’s how it feels when it’s just you and me.