Anxiety: Getting Worse with Age

I cannot keep a regular job. I left my last actual job after toxic fumes from a leaking product were causing me respiratory problems, forcing me to use my rescue inhaler regularly. Since my asthma diagnosis over 30 years ago, I’ve rarely had to use my inhaler more than once a week, if even that often. I was using it almost every day I worked. That ended when I left that job after exhausting all options to create a safer work environment. OSHA was no help, and, as far as I know, the issue remains to this day.

It isn’t that I don’t want to work or am lazy. Too many think unemployed people are lazy or don’t want to work. Some fit those categories, but not me. The truth is I suffer from an anxiety disorder that is getting worse as I get older. It cost me my job as the wine/gift shop manager at the local Renaissance Faire, which didn’t pay enough to pay the bills. I really was only in it for the experience and to enjoy the freedom that came with the job. Then my anxiety cost me my job as a store manager for a retail craft company. I hated a lot about that job, but I was financially stable, though I still had to live in a place with cheap appliances, mold, and disrespectful neighbors.

I don’t know why my anxiety is getting worse as time goes by. I thought it was a side effect of the Lyme disease I had that destroyed my knee. The truth is I think I’ve always had some level of anxiety disorder; it just didn’t affect me as much as it does now. I have never been able to drive due to what I would classify as a phobia, which I think was likely brought on by my father, an overly critical man who drank and was abusive. He was an auto mechanic and tried to force that knowledge on me. I wanted nothing to do with it. I inherited his tinkering trait but put it to use with computers rather than cars.

Menopause seems to have amplified my anxiety, making it hard for me to interact with others without getting extremely irritated or feeling like I am under attack. I doubt my last job helped this mental challenge since I was often treated like a child who knew nothing. I haven’t felt genuinely appreciated since the later years of my career with Naylor Wine, though that job could never become full-time. Even then, it was the owners who appreciated my hard work and not my boss, who seemed to be threatened by my willingness to do more. It was never about taking her job — it was about creating efficiency for a small business.

I’ve known for a few years that I need to be self-employed. I started my own company, Addicted Geeks, in 2019, making it official and opening for business in 2020. Initially, I offered computer repair, but people don’t want to pay a random person to fix their computers. Even people I knew didn’t want to pay, often claiming they could get a new computer for cheaper. My prices were low, so it wasn’t about them investing in fixing a PC; it was because I was now charging rather than doing it as a hobby.

I then switched to what I wanted for my business: retail. I had always intended to create a “geek” store with collectibles, toys, and anything that seemed fun. Unfortunately, I can only sell online and at rare local events, which, in Lebanon, Pennsylvania, does not result in a lot of sales. The business barely makes any money in its young state, forcing me to continue working for others. That is, if I can actually keep a job.

After leaving the job with the toxic fumes, it took me six months to get another job. Six months of applying to any job I thought I could do, both physically and mentally. We are supposedly in a labor shortage and “everyone is hiring,” yet I was denied every job, or at least those who got back to me. I never heard a thing from many of them. Not even the ones with which I interviewed. Joann, TJ Maxx, Boscov’s, Maurices, PetSmart, Giant, Aspen Dental, Staples, Comcast, T-Mobile, AT&T, CVS, Rite Aid, Aldi, Wal-Mart, Lebanon YMCA, various medical offices, and many more who were “urgently hiring.” I was not good enough for any of them, even with over 15 years of retail and customer service experience.

I eventually got a job at a hiring event. Not a job I wanted, but something that would help pay the bills. It was with a new Target store, so communication was terrible. I told the woman during the interview that I could not be a cashier and was interested in tech sales, but I could work the customer service desk. She claimed they needed customer service people, so she immediately hired me. When training started, it was all cashier-based, and my job title was that of the other cashiers. There was no one willing to answer questions, so the job was already sending me on a downward spiral.

Before my next training shift, my oldest cat took a turn for the worst, and, taking our cues from him, we decided it was his time. I attempted to contact Target that I would not be in, then again after, needing to tell them that I needed a few days to grieve. I heard nothing, so I went with my husband to another company’s seasonal job fair and got another job. I had applied multiple times with the same company and heard nothing, yet she hired me on the spot during their job fair. Typical: most companies will hire anyone for seasonal jobs, but they want to complain they can’t fill the regular positions, even if they have qualified candidates.

Unfortunately, that job caused a spike in my anxiety because of its old-fashioned practices and extremely outdated POS system. An upgraded system from their previous one, but ancient tech by modern standards. I had asked to help stock in the department to which I was assigned and was not allowed to do anything other than checkout customers. My job was not just to be a cashier, yet that’s exactly what I was doing…again.

My anxiety was made worse by a comment from another employee I knew from college — she had been an English teacher, and I was a student tutor for English and computers. When I commented about the complexity of the POS system, she said she thought my “intelligence” was higher since I had been a store manager elsewhere, linking my understanding of a system entirely new to me to my level of intelligence. That comment festered with me, making it hard for me to sleep and throwing me into an internal struggle of depression and rage. This same woman had made similar comments about my tutoring abilities, insulting my work ethic and intellect because I was not teaching her students. Teaching was not my job — I was there to help, not teach. I didn’t get paid to teach. I helped them to understand how to do their work, but not to teach them new knowledge.

All the frustrations of the new job and everything that happened with Target put me in a borderline suicidal state of mind. My husband, who was also working at the same company, called off for both of us, stating that we had a family emergency. In truth, we did: I was in a mental health crisis. I have always been able to recover quickly on my own in the past, but not this time. It was too much. He and I talked for a couple of hours until I fell asleep, mentally exhausted from days of not sleeping much at night.

One of the toughest parts has been the lack of understanding from many people. My own brother made a comment to my mom about my anxiety, as if it were something I could control. If I had any control over my depression and anxiety, I certainly would not live my life the way I do. No one wants to live in a state of constant fear, or, as in my case, a balance between rage and fear. There is no happiness, only anxiety and depression. This is a reality for a lot of people, whether others want to accept it or not. Anxiety is real, and it can be severely crippling.

A friend of mine had been telling me to apply to the bakery at the local grocery store. She had been working in the bakery for months, and they needed help. I had so much wanted to avoid food again, but she kept insisting that the job would be easy, and it would keep me away from being a cashier, which I absolutely hate. I’ve put all of my financial future into this chance, hoping that this will be a job I can actually do.

Truthfully, I question whether I am able to keep a job anymore, struggling with rules and structure, schedules, and dealing with people. I am only happiest when I can work for my own company, but it has yet to break-even in a quarter. I know that is what I need, I just don’t have the money to get it going, and until I can be financially stable again, I don’t feel confident in getting a business loan — hopefully someday. Until then, I’ll limp along and hope that my anxiety doesn’t kill me.

Originally published on Medium on October 31, 2022.