Anxiety

Do you ever wake up wondering "why me" Why out of everyone on this earth did I have to be the one to battle such a demon as anxiety. No matter how far you try and run you can never seem to escape, Its a daily struggle that follows you wherever you go and will creep up on you in your weakest moments. I never thought it would happen to me, It was something my mother struggled with since before i was born and not something I fully understood until I was staring at myself in the mirror. It was out of nowhere, all of a sudden it had taken its shot, my life was forever changed since that day. I spent months feeling lost, misunderstood, unknown to my surroundings and hopeless. I tried to fix myself and nothing I did stopped it from dragging me down deeper and deeper. My doctor placed me on medication which my mother had been on for years, I was defeated and looking for something to help and that was not it. After many medication and dosage changes I finally settled into the new normal of my life, It was hard to adjust as I was trying anything I could to get back to how I was before that day.

Often I would forget that it wasnt just me battling this it was the people around me as well, I was dealing with family issues and relationship issues which caused me to become more anxious knowing I was the root cause of it all. I became completely depersonalized and nobody understood what I was feeling, That feeling is something I do not wish on my worst enemy. Everyone in my life is extremely supportive but mental health disorders are not something completely understood by people who have never dealt with them first hand. It made me angry, it made me feel lonelier than every because no matter what I said not one single person in my life during this time ACTUALLY understood how shitty I was feeling.

I dont think I would be here today if it wasnt for the medication and my support from my family and my boyfriend. They never made me feel insane no matter how many times i became so defeated I wanted to drive myself to the mental institute at our local hospital. My boyfriend who never had any interaction with mental health issues educated the hell out of himself to get a glimpse on how to be supportive and understand a sliver of what I was dealing with. One fix for someone isnt the fix for everyone it is such a misunderstood issue I find and it is always the same generic cure that the doctors try and push onto the patient. I know there are more people like me out there that suffer from this exhausting mind game, some days are heaven and some days are living fucking hell and there is no escape. Its our own mind and there is not shut off button for it.

I wish it was talked about more, I wish it was normalized instead of having such a huge stigma hanging over it like we belong to a singled out group of people. It can happen to anyone, It could be you, it could be your best friend, it could be that successful lawyer you aspire to be like. Its so important to remember that mental health does not discriminate, It doesnt matter how rich nor how poor you may be. I like to remind myself that its an inner challege for me to face to prove how strong and resilient I can be, lets face it its not so simple placing a smile on your face each day when the inside of your mind is constantly fighting against you and trying to force you to feel a certain way. If you are struggling just remember that youre stronger than the forces inside your mind, We can battle this together. Seek the help you deserve to have and do not let it take away your pride.