Am I an Empath or the Opposite? A Brain Dissection in Real Time

Intellect is something that I indeed lack. And so I feel utterly ashamed. It's like a destructive nature that binds me tightly with my idiocy. It is shameful and I find it exhausting. Not like in a subtle way but from deep within. From the very depths of my core . It is shameful, uncouth, and it, without any doubt completely showcases my involuntary degeneration. I sometimes feel desperate, in need of attention, of attachment, of touch, of guilt, of binding, of love, of torture, of whatever I feel like right now.

It could have been nice to be someone else, but I'm also sure without any doubts that I'm perfect as I am. If I was someone or something else, I would've failed miserably at coping with life, with the rules and regulations. Because, as a matter of fact I despise not being able to comply with certain codes. If I don't follow them I can burst. But there have also been instances where I didn't follow one single rule throughout months and yet I functioned perfectly. But i despise chaos, the kind that was not created with the fun i had assumed in my mind.

That is the sole reason behind why I once wanted to join the military. Because, I envied that discipline. Not because of some love for the country, it was solely for my own development. I wanted to ride my life through that discipline. With only occasionally engaging in chaos just to make sure I don't go berserk. I wanted to make sure I fit in perfectly. A perfectly disciplined girl that never made others find flaws in her. I did well.

But, even after all this, I do not find myself to be completely flawless . That's the harshest part. Achieving flawlessness is what I crave with hints of chaos, of course just to balance things out. Everything bad deserves balance. Goodness doesn't need balance, it's flawless throughout, disciplined, a good source of my envy . A perfect requirement for balance, the chaos to function perfectly without showing my decaying side. But the envy, doesn't that make me an indistinguishable part of the bads?

But what makes it a one of a kind dark comedy is that despite being a part of this category I despise the rest that include themselves here.

I almost resent that they feel free while I feel bound by rules and guilt. This is what makes me hypothetically an empath? I am not emotionally detached , I believe that, I am sure about that. But what I would truly desire, is to be different. A different personality would suffice too. I could be an empath or the opposite. Sometimes I do wonder in which of these categories do I fit, am I the best of both? Best of the empaths and the best of their opposites? I can't even say out loud what the opposite represents. It could be cruelty. Or maybe just the absence of guilt.  I am afraid. Others are not. They go around boasting, killing, torturing and doing all the fun stuff. Are they even fun at all? Or are they all just make-believe fun? Chaos created by the envy of the bad?

So, they're lies?

Yes, they are lies.

Who wants to be the opposites. No opposite you’ve ever come across chose it. It was something shoved down their throats.  One fine example would be curiosity? Or perhaps, trauma?

Woah, I didn't even notice, when did all this go so dark? I started light, didn't I? Unintentionally ended up pouring things here that were never meant for others to hear. I always say this to myself, "Eyefa, it's a long way you rode through, let's become serene. Become more of myself, but with better tools" . Well, whatever. I felt like ranting a bit, to perhaps feel light, to find closure perhaps. I also think of myself as an existentialist that really wants to dissect her own brain. And lastly dip all of it in the "order and discipline sauce" and stitch it back up. I originally intended to reflect the unfiltered, messy flow of my inner thoughts. Looks like I did a job well done. This is only a psychological self-portrait of my true self. 

Since, I really like picking on other's brains , i truly hope you're having at least some level of mental crisis cause you read though my gibberish. Congratulations, I'm ECSTATIC.

Did you read it all? You got some crazy serious attention span. Good luck with life~