Always afraid of important moments and want to escape? Psychological explanations about accepting oneself

Self-accusation makes us always afraid or avoiding

The person who is about to start the speech thinks: "You are about to make a fool of yourself. Your speech must sound silly, and the audience in the audience will definitely laugh at you. I am afraid that no one will be interested in what you are saying!"

The woman who is going on a date tells herself: "Why do you think he will like you? Hurry up and think of something interesting to talk about, otherwise he will never ask you again."

When preparing to apply for a certain position, the young guy thought: “For this job, you are too young and too inexperienced. Why waste time preparing your resume? Anyway, you will never get this. good job."

The student who is taking the test thinks: "A stupid person like you can't do anything well. This time, I will definitely fail the test!"

Have you ever had similar thoughts? How did these thoughts affect your life? How do you feel when you think like this?

Why does the person who is about to give a speech criticize himself in such a way that makes him more nervous? Why does the guy looking for a job presume that he will fail? Why do they look at their situation in such a negative way and predict their future in such a frustrating way? Such destructive thoughts strongly affect our actions and daily life.

Always afraid of important moments and want to escape? Psychological explanations about accepting oneself

Stills from the TV series "The Life of the Disgusted Pine Nuts" (2006).

For example, the person giving a speech will stammer in the end, and the person who is procrastinating not to write a resume will not get the job he wants. Although we are all aware that certain thoughts can make us more nervous and interfere with our performance, most people still underestimate the extent to which these malicious thoughts affect our lives. We are angry with ourselves, and the ridicule and self-depreciation described in the above examples only reflect the tip of the iceberg. We use this to peek into a stronger, deeper enemy.

This powerful enemy is composed of destructive thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. It controls our actions, interferes with our pursuit of personal and professional goals, and makes us feel terrible in many moments. Do you have this kind of inner enemy? This chapter will lead you to listen to your own inner criticism, and guide you to discover the impact of this voice on all aspects of life. This is the first step in overcoming inner criticism. Our goals and wishes are always contradictory. On the one hand, we pay attention to ourselves tenderly and feel that we have the characteristics that we like and feel comfortable. We have a natural tendency to grow, develop, and pursue personal and professional goals. We also have a desire to stay close in relationships and seek meaning in life. In this book, these tendencies are called "the real you" or "your real self." The basis of these tendencies is your friendly and compassionate attitude towards yourself.

On the other hand, we still have an unfriendly and critical view of ourselves. These destructive thoughts and attitudes often intensify and override more realistic or positive ways of thinking. It makes us self-limit, drags us to success, and sometimes makes us have a malicious and skeptical attitude towards others. Stress will increase the destructive power of this negative thinking, making it easier for us to be controlled by it, and even adopt serious self-destructive behaviors. This negative view of oneself, together with the accusations and anger directed at oneself, is called "inner criticism" because it is a part of you, the part dedicated to denying the true self. It is this part that induces and promotes the individual's self-defeating behavior and self-destructive behavior, and it is also it that promotes the individual's anger or negative attitude towards others.

In the contest between "the real you" and "inner criticism", the more prominent part determines the views you express at a specific moment and also affects your behavior. Perhaps you have found such an interesting phenomenon in people you are close to: When they seem to be "self", there is a big difference in their words and deeds when they look like they are not themselves. When they are themselves, they are usually relaxed and more likable. And when they are tortured by inner criticism, they will be more anxious and unlikable.

"Inner Criticism" is not a kind of auditory hallucination,

But the thoughts that exist in the mind

In our ambivalent attitude towards ourselves, the positive side comes from our unique qualities, such as physical fitness, temperament, and instinctive identification with the positive qualities of our parents or primary guardians. Positive emotional experience also promotes the formation of our true self. This experience includes what we learn, what we like, and the experience that promotes our growth and development, as well as the love and care that parents and other adults place on us.

The inner criticism is the voice of the defensive negative part of the personality, and it is the opposite of the realization of personal development. Criticism consists of a series of negative thoughts that conflict with our best interests and weaken self-esteem. These hostile and subjective thoughts also warn us to beware of others and paint the world as a negative and pessimistic picture. Criticism is not only composed of destructive thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs, but also includes feelings of anger, irritation, or sadness that accompany this way of thinking. Everyone bears varying degrees of inner criticism. It reduces our ability to truly understand events, triggers negative emotions, and destroys our pursuit of beauty and meaning in life. When the healthier side of the personality (the true self) is struggling to break free from the chains of the defense mechanism in pursuit of freedom, this voice is responsible for persisting in holding us firmly.

Destructive inner thoughts can also lead to feelings of alienation—a feeling of being forced to separate from oneself and away from loved ones. When we compromise on this voice and give up challenging it, what we do often brings us negative consequences. Most people are aware of inner criticism to a certain extent, but the negative thinking behind it mostly exists on the unconscious level. Therefore, although we can sometimes clearly "hear" what this voice is saying, it is difficult to recognize the existence of negative thinking, simply believing or accepting our negative image. In addition, we may not be fully aware of the destructive effects of these thoughts on emotions, actions, and lifestyles. One point needs to be clarified. The "inner criticism" discussed here is not an auditory hallucination, but an idea that exists in the mind.

Critical inner voice is not a manifestation of conscience or morality. Although this voice sometimes seems to be related to our values ​​and ideals, it often only serves as an afterthought. Compared with conscience, the most notable feature of inner criticism is that it is insulting and punishing. Its derogatory tone increases feelings of self-hatred, rather than motivating us to change bad behaviors in a constructive way.

These destructive ideas are inconsistent: first they encourage us to act in ways that are not conducive to achieving our goals, and then they condemn us for these actions. In addition, this voice often transforms our instinctive desires, desires, and goals (that is, the things we hope to achieve in life) into "shoulds"-in order to be a good person, we "should" do this and do that . Once these "should be done" are not done, critics will jump out to mock and reprimand us for our failure.

Always afraid of important moments and want to escape? Psychological explanations about accepting oneself

Stills from the movie "Facing the Giant" (2006).

The self-aggression experienced by many people is in the first person, which is a sentence that starts with "I". Some people experience it more like others are talking to them. For example, some people claim their inner criticism as the "board of directors" in their heads.

In contrast, turning self-attack into the second person, that is, starting with "you" has three benefits: first, it helps us distinguish our critical views of ourselves from more authentic perspectives; second, , Which allows us to start thinking about other negative thoughts that exist below the level of consciousness that may not have been noticed before; third, it can evoke feelings that are often associated with these thoughts, and make us notice the insinuations or insinuations in the inner criticism. Sarcastic tone.

Where does the inner criticism come from?

Why should we be so hostile to ourselves? Where did this inner enemy emerge from? Why is there such a critical inner voice? The answer comes from the past, from when we were children. It is also at that time, we are always trying to deal with life in the best way. The nature and extent of this inner contradiction is influenced by early experience and the nurturing environment. Parents are also humans, and they also have complex feelings for themselves: they have a part of appreciating themselves, but they also have self-criticism thoughts and feelings.

Unfortunately, parents often vent their own negative emotions on their children. Therefore, for children, parents not only have feelings of love, but also have critical thoughts and negative emotions. Parents who think they are not good enough can hardly believe that they have the ability to give their children anything of value. In addition, the mere existence of children can evoke the bad feelings they experienced when they were children. If they did experience some psychological trauma in the past and left uncomfortable emotions, then this feeling will naturally affect their attitude towards their children.

Always afraid of important moments and want to escape? Psychological explanations about accepting oneself

Stills from the movie "Daydreamer" (2013).

Everyone’s childhood needs are not met. We have all experienced moments of rejection, neglect, or even hostility by our parents or main guardians. The result is a feeling of frustration or pain. These events, whether they happen frequently or very accidentally, will leave a deep impression on us. If asked, most people can tell the jaw-dropping details of their parents' behavior when they lose self-control. What irritated the parents has been forgotten by us, but the feeling in this experience is clear and vividly preserved in our memory.

At that time, although our parents were well-intentioned, they treated us angrily, humiliated us, or ignored our feelings, and we must do our best to protect ourselves so as not to be drowned in fear, anxiety, and pain. Children will learn from their parents and treat themselves the way their parents treat them. In other words, people tend to be their own parents the way they were raised. In a sense, people will comfort and punish themselves in the way their parents used to comfort and punish them.

In the face of stress or pain, defensive behavior is our coping tool. In childhood, we developed a set of strategies to protect ourselves based on the different degrees of emotional pain we experienced in the family. This strategy protected us when we were young, but now that we are adults, it has become a shackle, preventing us from developing to our full potential.

These psychological defense mechanisms can be compared to the human body’s response to pneumonia. When suffering from pneumonia, the body's defense response is more destructive than the attack of pathogenic bacteria. A lung infection causes the immune system to take action, sending out antibodies to counter invading bacteria. However, the defensive behavior of antibodies may cause lung congestion due to the large scale, which brings potential danger to the human body. Similarly, when we were young and fragile children, the defensive behavior established to protect ourselves in pain may now hurt us more than the psychological trauma we initially experienced. From this perspective, psychological defense often becomes the root of various problems in adult life.

Children will pay special attention to

Very small incident that made parents angry

Psychologist Robert Firestone discovered that the most powerful and basic defense mechanism we develop in childhood is to imagine ourselves in contact with our mother or caregiver. This illusion can provide us when we are suffering. Comfort and security. He called this defense the "fantasy bond." Babies are born with the ability to soothe themselves, resist separation anxiety, and reduce feelings of hunger and depression by mobilizing images and memories related to the breastfeeding experience in their minds.

The ability of human beings to alleviate suffering through imagination is extraordinary. For example, research conducted during the Second World War found that daydreams and fantasies about food can indeed alleviate the pain of hunger that people feel. In the same way, when the parents cannot meet or can't steadily meet the needs of the baby, the baby will increasingly fantasize about maintaining the connection between himself and his parents. This fantasy, like most fantasy, has become a substitute for real satisfaction. Children will become dependent on this fantasy as a means of self-satisfaction. If a baby or toddler can express feelings about this false independence, he might say: "I can take care of myself-I don't need anyone." The child will also use some actions (such as sucking and biting fingers, rubbing). Blanket) to relieve tension and at the same time support the illusion of "being self-sufficient" and help them to numb the painful feeling. In fact, almost any behavior can play this role when it is overused.

Always afraid of important moments and want to escape? Psychological explanations about accepting oneself

Stills from the movie "Happiness is Knocking on the Door" (2006).

When we want to meet our own needs, rather than relying on others, we usually prefer to use fantasy bonds and the above methods to comfort ourselves. In our infancy, when we fantasized about connecting with our parents, we also absorbed their attitudes towards us. Unfortunately, this includes not only their positive attitudes, but also negative attitudes, where those internal hostile attitudes form the basis of inner criticism.

At some point between the age of three and seven, we learned of death. The new understanding of "people are mortal" has caused us deep sadness and fear, and overturned our understanding of the world. We discovered that what we thought could last forever was actually only temporary, and so was our own life. In order to deal with this unbearable discovery, we look for and rely on the defense mechanism established in the early stage to cope with painful emotions. In this way, the original defense mechanism is strengthened and becomes ingrained in our personality.

After knowing about death, many children swear in the depths of their subconscious that they will never fully immerse themselves in life in the future, and do not get close to another person completely, because they know that one day all of this will be lost, their own lives and loved ones. The lives of people will disappear. We are constantly weighing whether to align with life-choose to invest in life regardless of the finiteness of life, or align with death-to limit investment to protect ourselves from the fear of death. It is extremely necessary for us to develop a sober awareness, that is, to see whether our way of living is with life or death.

Out of sensitivity to pain and negative circumstances, children of all ages will pay special attention to even the smallest incidents that make their parents angry, and will be deeply affected by them. They may regard the anger (whether or not they are coming out) and tensions experienced by their parents as a threat to their lives and fall into fear as a result. In a state of stress, when children feel scared, they no longer see themselves as helpless children, but instead assume the identity of the parent who is scolding or punishing them. When the child shows the worst, the corresponding attitude and image of the parent is internalized by the child and becomes a part of him. They have taken over anger, fear, and self-blame—this is what parents are doing