Alone

Trigger warning some context may be a little trigger some viewers/readers viewer discretion.

October 31th 2020

My therapist thought it would be a good idea if I poured all my stupid thought into a stupid diary so here it goes.

So Guess what. I have been diagnosed with Depression. Yay not like it matters, my parents just tell me to get over it. I'm told that I really wont know what depression is until I'm their age. I always like to forget they were born in a time before mental illness was an issue. I wish it was okay for them to say the things they do to me. I wish the things they said didn't hurt as much as it did. I mean they are my parents so the least they could do is pretend like my feeling were at all valid to them but they don't I straight up told them the other day I didn't want to exsist anymore and they fully f***king ignored it. They moved on from the subject and treated it like I wasn't listening to them. IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT THEM ISN'T IT! My family is so wrapped up in my parents that even though I'm the black sheep I litterely don't exsist to anyone at all.

November 2nd 2020 aka my moms birthday

This women the one who birthed me thinks she is so intitled to f***ing everything. Are you SERIOUS?! Like I know it's her birthday and everything but is it really my fault that you have to work on your birthday. You should of asked for the day off if it was such a problem. EVERYTHING IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Atleast dad even remembered your birthday. It took both of you a whole ass year to tell me happy birthday and by that time two whole birthdays passed you told me yourself that your 16th birthday is suppose to be a big one. Well guess what honey I'm turning 18 next year and when I'm done with school I'm so out of here. So happy birthday mom your 48. Here's to another birthday were your going to expect me to bake you another cake while you and dad do absolutely nothing around the house Sadly... I'm use to.

November 4th 2020

Just had my second therapy session. Dr. Argo seems to think the diary is helping but I really don't feel like it is, but if I'm showing improvement to him that's good. He thinks I need to be prescribed anti-depression and maybe an anti-anxiety med as well. If he sees reasons to give me medication I guess I have no choice but to do it. Except I was kinda hoping that instead of putting me on drugs he would try talking to me about my problems instead. I guess I really have no choice sense my parents are trying to pressure me into taking them as well saying things like "if it helps take it" and "what's the worse that will happen, you'll get better" They make it seem like I don't wanna get better and that's not even the case but whenever I try to mention it to them they get defensive. I just wish when it came to someone's mental health they didn't immediately go toward some sort of prescription. Last time my regular doctor put me on anti-depressions I felt like a robot and hated the whole thing.

November 14th 2020

Sorry its been a while I've been busy. I don't know why I just apologized to a stupid notebook but I did. I've been on the medication for about a week or two now. The first week I felt great and now I'm back to feeling like a robot again. I feel like I'm a prisoner in my own d*m mind. I hate it so much but my family is telling me its all okay. My mom especially is telling me that I'm acting like a "better version" of myself but I don't feel like myself not even a better version. I don't know what to do. Should I tell my therapist I don't wanna take it anymore or should I keep feeling the way that I do?

November 15th 2020

My depression is getting worse. I'm still on the anti-depressants but I'm getting more depressed. How is that even a thing? I'm afraid to tell my parents that its getting worse because I have just become the daughter that they wanted yesterday. My dad talked to me about something other then football for f**k sakes. They even said they were proud of me. What do I do? Do I keep trying to live a lie that is k*ll**g me at this point or do I tell everyone the truth and go back to being the disappointment? I'm sick of being the disappointing child. The black sheep...

December 8th 2020

All I feel is emptiness. I am alone I was born alone and I will dye alone. We are all put in this world to do three things. 1) Be born 2)Have children 3) D*e the rest is really up to you. Most people would say that the 2nd option was pay taxes but you really don't have to. Why am I randomly writing s**t. Anyways I have to go to school so.

January 1st 2021

Happy New Year I guess. What's the point another year another lie. My mom did the same old new year new me bulls**t. I was asked what my resolution was..... I don't have one planned I don't want to try to live through this year.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know you wanted me to be better but I cant. I just cant live this lie. I really don't know what you want from me... I tried the therapy and the anti medicine. I tried everything you told me to. I'm sorry if I cost you a lot which I know I did. On the bright side you don't have to worry about that anymore. Goodbye. I hope this doesn't hurt you to much.