All the Colors We Behold

The horizon was brightly rimmed with coral light, stirring visions of promise and foreboding. The bright tangerine sunset contrasted greatly with the cold and unforgiving terrain of this small Texas town. It was near the end of winter and night turned the vast plains into a cold and alien world. I walked lightly and with purpose in my brown leather boots; tonight I was resolute.

I parked my rusty red truck a mile from the sealed highway after setting off on foot down a dusty country road so to be far removed from the curious gazes of passing motorists. I had difficulty deciding what to wear, but selected simple attire: a plain shirt tucked securely into blue denim jeans. Simple clothes for an unexceptional person.

At last, I beheld the pointed gray roof of the barn that I had selected for this night. I hard shouldered the backpack I carried and quickened pace at the sight of my quarry. I needed to gain shelter from the biting cold of the Texas plains as the sun fully dropped from view, blanketing the land in thickening darkness. I snapped on a handheld flashlight and watched my feet carefully as I navigated the treacherous night. My lips curved upward into an ironic smile as I imagined a rattlesnake surfacing to bite when I had gotten this close and come this far. I approached the rotted farmhouse door and pulled it open while the rusty hinges cried into the night.

The inside of the barn was bathed in absolute gloom as the tiny flashlight beam struggled to pierce the murkiness. The floors were hard compacted dirt with dustings of rotted hay. The wooden walls rose in a single story to support a tented roof rising high above. I directed the flashlight upwards to better view the wooden beams interlacing the top layers but the light could not fully penetrate that dense disturbing darkness. I needed more light to complete my task this night, so I fired up the lantern that I stored here many nights ago. That night I had not been resolute, like many before that.

In the full orange glow of the lantern I could view the large formidable beams throughout the barn’s lifted ceiling. I dropped my bag to the hard dirt floor with an echoing thud that was immediately answered by a chilling screech. The sound was low, melodic and grasped at the fibers of my very soul. Startled and afraid I lifted the lantern high, to determine the source of the nightmarish sound. My efforts revealed a small barn owl perched on the highest beam. This remarkable creature was covered in delicately white feathers that were dusted tangerine at the wings, at the crown of his head, and around onyx eyes that regarding me knowingly. It was shocking to see such a beautiful creature in this desolate landscape perched so majestically in a dilapidated old barn.

Ironically I mused that I traveled so far to avoid the curious gazes of others but found myself beheld by one of the most sighted creatures on the earth. The barn owl tipped his head and those onyx eyes regarded me inquisitively. I cleared my throat and spoke aloud: “Probably wondering what I am doing out here on such a cold night and in the middle of nowhere.” The owl’s gaze did not falter as I. I continued “I don’t really know my place in this world anymore, and I got tired of just taking up space. Everything is loss and pain, and I haven’t had it in me for a long time to go on.” The owl stared intensely and knowingly. My voice cracked as I said: “My father was always the one to make me feel loved and grounded in this world; I lost him last year and I haven’t been able to find my way since. I am lost little owl, and this is the part where I get off. “

The owl looked back down at me, his body unmoving and his eyes gazing unblinkingly. Silver tears stung the edges of my eyes, and I spoke again in a cracked voice “I never got to tell my father what a great childhood I had because we were too busy arguing as adults. We argued every time we talked but he always made sure I knew he would always be there.” The owl looked on inquisitively. “Well, he lied little owl. “ I choked out despairingly. “He went off and died and I never got to tell him what a great father he was and how misguided I am in this chaotic world.” The owl never blinked but met my gaze intensely. I was enraged by the audacity of my thoughts, “This is just a silly owl out in the middle of nowhere and you are weak and stalling for time, he doesn’t understand you and it doesn’t change anything”.

The owl lifted then glided down quickly from his high wooden beam to perch on a nearby barrel to better meet my gaze. Ignoring that onyx stare, I slid my bag to the ground and unzipped it revealing the contents of a single strong braided rope. I held the scratchy rope in my hands, letting the twine cut into my skin as I squeezed it resolutely. I dared another glance at the owl. In those eyes, those eyes that saw everything in this desolate landscape, I saw a flicker of my father’s spirit. Had he come to intervene? Had he chosen this beautiful barn owl to make his final appeal?

My hands went slack and the prickly rope slid from my grasp. My father’s life had meaning and I was part of that. He poured all of his love into assuring I had everything I needed. He wasn’t perfect and we didn’t always agree but he had equipped me for the savage and unforgiving nature of this world.

I wasn’t broken and I wasn’t lost, I had just closed my eyes.

I stared again into the deep onyx owl eyes as fresh tears poured down my cheeks. I felt that warmth and love flow over me, as it did when I spoke with my father. I knew why my father had chosen the form of the little barn owl to visit me. The fathomless eyes of the humble barn owl regarded all the darkness and all the wonder in this vast landscape. His eyes didn’t miss all the gloomy grays of the land and rotted barn, but could just as easily admire the beautiful red and oranges of a sleepy sunset.

I bid farewell to the little barn owl and exited the little gray barn to begin the trek back to my rusty red truck. I lifted my head to stare at the brilliant starry sky like a newborn child opening their eyes for the first time.

I smiled a real smile, for the first time in a long time.