All For Nothing

My life was ruled by an invisible force, a killer that was silent in it’s taking of innocent souls. I was consumed by the emptiness it provided to my mind. The ability to forget about the world around me as my mind was consumed by the comforting darkness. I never saw myself being the type to allow my will to be taken so easily. Though iIt calls to me as though a siren to a sailor, clinging to the mess of a mind that I now hold to my name.

I watched many come and go through the house of ghosts, some staying longer than most. Some just follow along as though a watcher looking onto the scene with disgust. I sometimes can feel their energy attach itself to my skin, clinging as it runs along with my self hatred. I can’t remember the last time I was able to feel peace amongst my own spirit. Allowed to just be myself without the constant hunger that reminds me everyday of the person I’ve now become. I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t welcome death so willingly as I took another hit of the blunt that was being passed around.

This was normal for us, we woke up, rolled a blunt up and continued to smoke through the day. The harder drugs would come later, the used needles laid on the floor awaiting to be crunched underneath the feet of the walking zombies who've become lost amongst the ride between reality and their mind. I’ve always told myself that I was better then them, that I wouldn’t allow myself to ever become like them. Though I wonder sometimes, how many of those people use to say the same thing as me? How many believed that they wouldn't become just another useless being surviving on the high that was constantly being chased.

“Stop staring so hard.” Monica's voice slid into my ear so effortlessly as though it wasn’t loud music playing. I could do that now, after my last two hits, I’ve started to notice the changes in my body.

“I wasn’t trying to,” I mumbled as I took hold of the blunt once more.

Inhale.

Exhale.

I repeated the motion as the smoke continuously filled my lungs before being released into the air. I watched as my vision began to darken, as the world around me started to feel light. This is the type of weed that I strived after. This was the feeling that I couldn’t give up, my emotions sliding off of me like wet sand. I passed it along, my turn up, as I relaxed into the soft chair that had my body imprinted into the fabric. Everyone knew this was my chair, I wasn’t worried about someone else getting comfortable in it when I’m away. I’m always sitting back in it in the span of minutes, not wanting to leave the safe zone I’ve created for myself here.

“Do you think we’ll ever leave this place?” I asked nobody in particular, the question just floating to the universe. I could see it in front of me taunting the person who was locked away inside of me, the person who was desperate to leave. To get out of the situation I placed myself in. Though their will wasn’t as strong as mine, their will couldn’t overpower the need of my drugs.

I relaxed further, my mind finally leaving me as I surrendered to the feeling of the drugs that flowed through my blood. My cells intertwine with the liquid feeling of not having to think or care about anything. I let my eyes just continue to slide over the many faces that come and go, over the repetitive ones that also had a chair to themselves. This was my family, this was what I would continue to cling to till my last breath.

I wasn’t willing to let them go.