All Aboard: Hold on Tight in the Crazy Train for One

The train slid across the tracks and groaned with increasing acceleration. Déjà vu flushes through me and my rapidly pulsating blood keeps time with the motion, faster, faster, faster. I am floating, but grounded, and awaken startled by the bouncing and the screams. 

Otherworldly, animalistic, guttural wailing echoed through the empty cabin with ferocity.

Alone. I am alone.

Again.

Destination unknown.

The panel of strangers stared and waited for me to utter words that would never escape from my lips. 

One tapped his pencil on a blank pad of paper, one leaned back, chest puffed out, and with the cockiness of the all-knowing. The lone woman shot daggers my way and looked down her nose as if my filth may infect her from across the room.

They wanted nothing more than to return home to a nice hot meal, a golden retriever bounding out to greet them, as they pulled their Mercedes up their paver driveways.

Hell will freeze over before I utter the words they long to hear.

I killed a man.

The intimate sensation of the foreign texture, his warm blood, settled me in an otherwise frenzied moment. Deep redness seeped as a sticky syrup between my fingers. I watched in fascination as the droplets landed in a macabre abstract pattern on the glossy hardwood planks. The lightness of finality overrode my revulsion.

Nothing in my fiber or personal belief system indicated I would, or could even, take the life of another. Quite the contrary. I've nursed back to health and coddled the weakest, from the broken-winged bird to a child's scraped knee. 

And now, I've crossed the line and don't see a way out.

I held tight to my secret and would embrace the reward of my own last breath before I'd confess to another. 

I rode the storm. Questions bombarded me, some softly delivered and others zeroed in as sniper-like attacks filled with rapid-fire, biting accusations. Their grilling was a cakewalk compared to his.

You know you wanted me. You are mine forever. Our secret. No one would believe you anyway, you're a nobody. But mine, you're mine now. He grabbed a fist full of my hair and held my head back. Say it. Say you're mine. 

Bile rose and burned the back of my throat as his hot breath on the nape of my neck turned to violent kisses. Bites. Brutality.

The memory, as did the event, blurred and clicked along, like an old reeled movie, stuttered in slow motion, and then righted itself.

The cocky man cleared his throat at the imposing conference table. He leaned forward and collected his things, resigned that no confession will be forthcoming today.

I will not break.

Darkness enveloped me as a weighted blanket would, yet comfort eluded me. Every nerve ending stood at attention. My heart pounded and raced as it begged for relief. 

Racing, racing, I am on a train without a conductor. It picked up speed. Was it careening downhill?

Side to side, my body swayed, and my whitened knuckles gripped the seat to avoid being thrown. My implosion loomed and my panicked lungs fought for air. My arms thrashed, fending off no one. Unable to stop the train. My eyes are sealed shut, though I don't need them to see I am alone.

So very alone.

Help me.

In the distance, a bell pealed. Louder, closer. My eyes flew open.

I am not alone.

"You made great progress today. Take this water and regulate your breathing. Allow your body to be in the present."

My shrink's look of promise does not convince me. My sense of doom and disbelief in this process takes hold, and my tired body screams from exhaustion. I am dampened from the inside out. My blouse clung to me and held tight with sweat. My fear was palpable, and my bladder released of its own accord. I am embarrassed, but not. 

My secret remained safely locked inside, and I am winning for now.

"Rest and relax tonight. Tomorrow may be a breakthrough session."

I wanted to believe in him, I did, but hypnotherapy never fit in a neat little box of understanding for me. I wished for a mental lockdown, not a breakthrough.

The facility escort was kind with no fear. She and I exchanged heavy silence through the cold concrete hallway, but neither of us projected wary energy. We just were. Suspect and guard, woman and woman, we suited our roles with ease.

She'll return like clockwork tomorrow and deliver me back to the office of doom where all the crazies are seen.

Nausea bubbled just below the surface as I lay on my bunk. Tomorrow closed in and suffocation followed with a vise grip on my heart. Relaxation was an impossibility. The ceiling, though void of answers, welcomed me to stare and plan. Sleep evaded me. I needed to keep my feet firmly planted on my road to survival.

I cannot have the expected breakthrough tomorrow.

I can't.

No one will believe me.

I am a nobody.

Upon discovery of the gruesome scene, the town went on high alert. The brutish vigilantes salivated to exact justice for their fallen hero. Authorities felt the squeeze and sought a quick resolution. The witchhunt possessed a life force of people who would pay to watch me suffer.

I am so small and he is, was, so big. The big man with his big gun and all his adoring lackeys to do his bidding. I am simply one of many of our small town riff-raff, living on the edge of town with all the other trash. His campaign last year pledged to clean up the poverty-ridden area.

I took out his trash first.

He deserved it.

My journal and I are the only keepers of the truth. I tucked it deep under my mattress and secured it between the springs that tired and broke, giving away with age. I don't need to be present upon its discovery. Just knowing someone, someday, will unearth it and fate can take it from there, gave me satisfaction.

The clanking of doors, metal jarring against metal, murmurings, and complaints, wafted under my door telling me the sun had risen. I sat ready for my escort. I never asked her name. It doesn't matter.

Today is the day I will conquer my own demons.

I startled my shrink by speaking first.

The truth you seek is out there, hidden in words, for all the world to see. Blind eyes will read them and burn them, I'm sure. Just know that denials won't erase hate and black hearts still roam. Teach your daughters well and cloak them in protection from the evils around them.

Confusion and bewilderment passed through his eyes. My words teased at a confession but weren't enough. I watched him weigh out, what words? where?

I closed my eyes and prepared for the hypnosis. My final session.

Again, darkness enveloped me as a weighted blanket would, yet comfort eluded me, and every nerve ending stood at attention. My heart pounded and raced as it begged for relief. Racing, racing, I am on a train without a conductor. It picked up speed. Was it careening downhill?

Side to side, my body swayed, and my whitened knuckles gripped the seat to avoid being thrown. My implosion loomed as my panicked lungs fought for air. My arms thrashed, fending off no one. Unable to stop the train. My eyes are sealed shut, though I don't need them to see I am alone.

The train glided across the tracks and groaned with increasing acceleration.

Flashes shined through the train's windows. My favorite cornflower blue sundress, pigtails, running through the fields…a high school diploma being placed in my hand with a smile…of the man, the blood, the whirlwind of mayhem. Mania distorted his face into a poorly crafted caricature. He sneered and cackled with fangs dripping my blood.

I fixated on the image of ugly and marveled at the diminishing power it once held. He was the nobody, not me.

I am no longer afraid.

Joy washed through me in my aloneness.

I was light and free.

Evil cannot touch me. Emboldened by my revelation, I released my clutches. I stood tall, braced myself against the rocking of the steel structure, and bravely stumbled to a new seat.

I am the conductor; the conductor is me.

This is my train. It always was and forever will be.

It is my choice to find my peace. I controlled his outcome, and now I control mine. The serenity waiting for me is not just the final stop but my divine destination.

I won't be returning. 

Ride on train, ride on.