ADHD Isn't Just In The Mind, It's Physically Painful Too

I write this whilst in the middle of one of my exceptionally bad ADHD flare ups, something I haven't experienced in months. I am curled up on my foldout floor armchair I keep in my bedroom, but have brought through to my studio to be beside my personal Christmas tree and away from everyone else in the house, because this is the only place I feel safe right now. I have swapped the jumper I had been wearing all morning as I could no longer stand the sensation of it, desperately craving a really specific jumper like a life-line. Warm, loose, baggy and so incredibly soft. I feel violently nauseous, close to tears for no reason at all, my head spinning like I have a thousand million nonsensical thoughts being whisked around in a mixer to which I can't make out anything, and it all feels like it's happening right behind my eyes. I want to talk and talk and talk and let out so much energy, just unleash everything that's bubbling inside me like a potion pot of poison, but as soon as I talk or speak I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated by myself. My heart beating fast and my pulse racing even though I haven't even started the 100 meter dash, and my eyes lit by LED bulbs, it's power supplied by Duracell double ADHD batteries. My brain painfully struggling to comprehend the link between my physical pain and my spicy brain in this moment.

I'm so overwhelmed by everyone around me, I want, no, need them to stop, to speak quieter, to give me space, to just tone down their everything, because their volume and energy is hurting me like one would feel pain being punched in the stomach every time. And I hate that I feel this way. Not because I feel bad for myself, nor because I feel sick and sore, but because I hate thinking and feeling this way knowing that it doesn't make any logical sense; pushing people around me away and telling them to stop and please be less as a coping mechanism, when they really aren't doing anything wrong at all. It torments me with hypocrisy, having spent my whole life being told to stop being me and just be less, to then turn round and ask the people around me to stop doing what they're doing and to be less just so that I can be in a little less pain.

I'm like the Buzz-Wire game; everyone is living around me but as soon as they gently touch the wire, touch me physically or verbally, it zaps, I zap, and I just can't cope. It's not psychological, it's not mental, and it's no longer just neurodevelopmental... it's physical pain.

I'm curled up like a little croissant, with cushions positioned in a way that eases the pressure points in my back, in my neck, in my arms and in my legs, all of which are screaming at me in tight tense pain as if I've just fallen down a flight of stairs. And as I lay the brick-like weight in my head down on the cushion, I feel a huge sense of physical tension ease. But now I'm stuck like this for God knows how long, having had to warn people not to come near me because I know that if anything sets off my buzz-wire I won't be able to take the pain and stress. I am genuinely paralyzed to this spot.

I had been out this morning with my family for our Christmas tradition, nothing more than going out for a meal with Christmas jumpers to a lovely bar. The staff were so kind and friendly, the atmosphere was tranquil, Christmas decorations up magically, and I had ordered my classic favourite dish - smoked salmon and egg on sourdough bread with a side of avocado. The mood was positive and the bar, being fairly empty at that time of day, was like a VIP level of peaceful. However, my relationship with my ADHD had, over the past couple of days, been showing some red flags; some signs of a flare up. Was it because I had basically had no sleep from the commitments of the Christmas period burning me out, or was it because my trapped cold was finally making it's way out...? I don't know. Maybe both. But my dire need for stimulation was at an all time high, despite being on my very reliable ADHD meds. I had been sending voice messages to friends instead of texting, and upon listening back to them I was mortified by how much I spoke, how much I shared and the annoying energy that would, and has, overwhelmed friends to the point of leaving me. A strong feeling of self loathing started to burn up inside me as my RSD took the reins and has lead me on the war path that my friends are annoyed with me, that they hate me and I've royally messed up some how. Not only a week ago we were perfectly happy having the best Christmas celebrations I've ever had, with absolutely no ADHD issues... So what is my issue now?

The signs were all there, and today has been no exception. We sat down at the table and I straight away I had this indescribable internal snippiness. I was getting annoyed when my mum made a (justifiable) negative comment. I was getting annoyed when my dad got hyper fixated on on a topic and was talking loudly, nonstop. I was getting annoyed when my brother interrupted me with acknowledgements like "yeah" and "mhm". But none of those things were worthy of agitation, and they were certainly not bad. They were normal things, and yet it viciously overwhelmed me to the point I felt like I was constantly being punched in the stomach and hit across the back of my head. Then when I spoke, because a topic I am passionate about came up, I was just yak, yak, yakking with no breathing space for myself, on an overstimulating high, unable to stop my stimulation-seeking. And in truth I didn't want to stop either because I knew as soon as I did I would feel that sickening pit in my stomach from post hyperactive-impulsivity. But I had to stop at some point, and when I did, the defeating silence that followed after my elongated spraff hit me so hard I felt like an overcharged battery with no outlet. As soon as someone else spoke, my fingers started to twitch and I was clenching my fists just to channel stims.

I'm very lucky, being a diagnosed ADHD, even if it was late, and my family being understanding, so when I finally realised and came to terms with what was happening I told them how unwell I was feeling. They understood and respected my situation; in the car ride back I stuck my earphones in, I didn't have any music on, but it blocked the over-stimulation surrounding me and when anyone spoke to me they made extra sure they were quieter. When I finally returned home I had to find a corner to myself as I was now feeling as physically unwell as someone with the flu might feel.

And that's where I am now. Every sound, even simply someone walking up the stairs or the sound of something rustling is so sore I can't describe it any better than sharp temporary blows to the head followed by a punch to the stomach. It's so inhumanely hard to describe what it feels like when an ADHD flare up literally cripples and paralyses you. Neurotypical people will find it hard to understand why a neurodivergent person will be so reactant to noise or sounds no matter the volume. I get it, I really do. On the outside it looks like the person is being pathetic, attention seeking, dramatic or a hypochondriac, but that's not the truth. It's so much more. Stay awake for two nights straight with a hangover you can never get rid of and you'll understand to the smallest extent of what it feels like for us to experience a flare up.

Since starting to write this I have felt my exhaustion hit me, my body has just finally given up, my cat has come to chill with me and I've begged my brother to watch his volume, to which he went to his room seemingly annoyed. I have been asking him about his volume all day as he is a naturally loud person, so honestly I can understand his annoyance, I'd be sick of it by now too. But this is exactly why I wanted to write and share this, as I was experiencing it, so that people who are like me and experiencing the same thing can understand they're not alone, but also for those who don't experience it to get a snippet of what it feels like to have a really bad ADHD flare up and maybe understand it a little bit more. For us, this is our norm.

To put it mildly, a flare up might annoy you, but right now, I want nothing more than to not be in my own skin.

...

Here are some of my tricks for when I have a flare up. You can use them for yourself or if you need to help a neuro-spicy compatriot. It's not a one-fits-all, tricks-of-the-trade gospel, but my own personal saviors:

*Loops. These are, not so cheap, sound mufflers that have been an absolute life saver. They block out noise much like the sleep earbuds do, but not so much that you still can't have a conversation. I've used them for flare ups, but also when I've seen a film in IMAX and the sound gets far too much.

*Separate myself from any catalysts. Sometimes that's easier said than done especially if you're out and about, but a break to the bathroom or some air outside can be the make or break. Remember it's not socially unacceptable to leave earlier if a flare up is causing you misery. Anyone who is worth their weight in gold will be understanding.

*Don't be afraid to be honest with the people around you and understand that what you're feeling, whilst may seem illogical and maybe even unfair, is a normal reaction and coping mechanism because neuro-spicy people are wired differently and that's not your fault and certainty not saying that your an habitual asshole. As long as you tell people around you what's happening and don't treat them badly or hurt them in response to your flare up, they can understand you better and not think that you're being mean by flinching or taking time out or asking for people to speak quieter.

*If you have a craving or something that would make you feel safe, trust it. Jump into that bath or warm oodie, chill out in any room that makes you feel safe, eat or drink something, watch a movie or read a book, listen to music or even sit in silence. Just trust yourself in that moment.

*Rest. Make sure that you take a physical and mental rest whether it's for a couple of hours or a couple of days. Again, trust yourself.

*This one isn't my trick but I have heard that breathing exercises and mindfulness tricks help a lot during flare ups.

Thank you for reading! I hope it's an eye opener for anyone who doesn't understand, or wants to better understand their neuro-spicy compatriots.