Abuse and what it’s done to us.

Abuse affects the brain, abuse, and neglect and trauma changes the brain structure and chemical function. Potential effects include feeling fearful most or all of the time. Trauma disorders cause extreme fear of anxiety depression outbursts flashbacks and other symptoms that can cause significant impairment. I've seen how all this affects my child and I. My child's outbursts are often extreme. She has bad behavior and cannot regulate emotion and functions poorly socially. This is hard for us at family gatherings and when it comes to school and friends.

Have you heard of narcissistic victim syndrome? This is the cause of narcissism and or sociopathy. This causes a long-lasting impact on emotional health. Narcissistic abuse can cause many problems including self-doubt and sleep deprivation. Decisions can become difficult to make.

A pattern of de-valuation and criticism can leave you with very, very, very little self-esteem and little confidence. This abuse and other abuses can trigger anxious and nervous feelings that sometimes lead to physical symptoms. Physical symptoms may include appetite changes upset stomach changes or nausea stomach pain or other gastronomical distress muscle aches and pains insomnia and fatigue.

The narcissistic abuse will cause irritability and anger. I see this all the time in my daughter. Her or one of her biggest problems is irritability and anger severe severe anger. These things can lessen the ability to cope with and impair memory and mood. This often alters our mood significantly. My big fear is that either she or I will have a heart attack because that is possible.

I believe my child has developed complex childhood anxiety also called selective mutism. This makes it difficult for us to communicate effectively and respond appropriately. We have endured severe intimidation and fear and severe threat of life from family and acquaintances. We have constant and continued chronic stress and chronic abuse. Possibly due to the severe intimidation, fear, and the threat of life we have endured bondage of and by very close personal relationships.

I believe we may be able to heal and recover but not fully. I cannot speak for my daughter but I feel constantly scrutinized mostly I think because of the manipulation.

Manipulation can sometimes drive a person crazy. A manipulation tactic that I feel is the worst is emotional blackmail. This is usually a threat of exposure by controlled anger. Threats of exposure for example while what my family does to me is; they will threaten to call the police on me with every attempt I make to try and educate or counsel my daughter. They also threatened to call the police on me when I tried to talk to them about abuse or physically see my daughter. Another threat my family continuously makes is that they will put me in the mental hospital. This usually comes up when I try to bring up or discuss the abuse that is going on. It has gotten so bad that my daughter now threatens me like my family has been doing. This leaves me feeling frustrated and helpless. I feel powerless in my attempts to fix what has been broken or wronged, I don't even get a chance. Another manipulation that my mother has always used on me is that she will keep me close and dependent on her. When I am unable to be independent she tells me I need to start taking care of myself. I also find that I do this to my daughter, mostly I think is because of all the abuse I am codependent and fearful to and with my own daughter. There are so so very many different manipulation techniques that can be used. I feel as if I have experienced them all. I have a book on the subject and I have been manipulated in every single way and it is horrible. My child has been manipulated in those ways as well.

We have endured psychological abuse similar to if not the same as emotional abuse. Torture and physical restraint and medical restraint would have probably had to of been the worst abuses that I have been through and still currently going through. It is pure hell but it has made me into a warrior and my mental toughness is about a 15 out of 10 on a rating scale. Some more things I have been going threw that my daughter watched me go through and has scared the socks and shoes right off of her are... Yelling, dismissiveness, belittling, pushing buttons till I explode, threats, monitoring whereabouts, lecturing, direct orders, outbursts, treating me like a child, denying the truth, guilt, shame, stocking, harassing, insult, twisting up my words and actions, false accusations, false convictions, criticizing, control, blaming, denial, codependence, undermining my self-esteem, denying the truth, turning it around and accusing me of those things, shutting down or blocking communication, dehumanizing, keeping me from socializing, not letting me inform educate or connect with my child, turning others against me, interrupting, disputing my feelings, invasion of privacy, a restriction not allowed to Journal or take photos, conditioned into silence, physical restraint from trying to leave the situation resulting in my rib being broken at one point, and blocked and restricted to the parent or even communicate with my child. The extent of the abuse that we have endured is tremendous. I sometimes think that I will never function as a normal regular person. And as long as my family is around and there in my life we will continue to be abused.

After all the codependence I find it hard to stay away from them. I've been put in a jail cell naked and videotaped because I refuse to go to the mental hospital. The other times physically restrained then the police detained me and locked me up in the mental hospital then they forced medicated me against my will. I was sometimes out of control but most of the time it was because of extreme abuse. However, my family only knows how to escalate the problem. There aren't capable of de-escalating or talking through problems. And if you asked them it was always my fault. All this abuse has left me with a lot of problems and mental disabilities. The disabilities I and my daughter have because of these abuses include; severe PTSD, OCD, outbursts, anger, anxiety, night tears and fears, night terrors, sleeping disorders, and so much more.

Study shows severe emotional abuse can be as powerful as physical abuse. This over time can contribute to low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Emotional abuse is about one person maintaining power or control over another person. We have developed poor relationship satisfaction, anxiety, depression, insomnia, low self-esteem, migraines, indigestion, stomach ulcers, chronic pain, and severe chronic PTSD. We have problems socializing with family and at school, work and outings. Because of all the abuse, it feels weird when people are nice and polite to us.

That abuse has made me into a super crabby, mean woman most of the time, but I have a pill for that now. My daughter now abuses me as the rest of my family does. And since I am healing and recovering I can't stand to be around any of them. I love (which is hard to do) my family but I do not like them. Being abused for so long makes an abused person become an abuser of others. I am trying to undo many, many years of abuse. I have a huge challenge ahead of me when it comes to fixing, healing, and recovering my daughter and me.

Once I and my daughter reunite and get a system down I am setting up clear boundaries with the rest of my family, and what will probably happen, (because they deny even having a problem) is that we will be cutting them completely out of our lives.

The only problem left (besides our mental disabilities) is going to try and figure out how to deal with my child's abusive father. As sad as it truly is and frustrating, is that history repeats itself. The abuse will live on in the lives of my children and grandchildren if I am unable to correct it now.

Verbal abuse is another strong psychological problem. Words have the power to destroy and destruct. Words are so powerful they can build a person up to make them and unstoppable powerhouse hero, leaving them feeling accomplished driven, confident, and successful. Or it can make them mean, sad, angry, and with little to low self-esteem leaving them to feel worthless and unloved. I've experienced both.

So when that one person told you, “if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all!” They were not kidding! It has a new meaning for me now. I will leave this, saying through therapy and anger management and education I plan to overcome all that the abuse has done to me. And hopefully, my daughter and I will try hard to fix ourselves. However, I still have a sad feeling or thought that there will always be abuse in our lives.

Wish us luck!