A Moment of Mourning

It's a tough time for a lot of people right now.

Vulture recently released an in-depth article on the allegations of abuse and sexual assault against Neil Gaiman.

A lot of people were hoping it was a few isolated incidents taken out of context, or all smoke and no fire, blown out of proportion. It isn't, and it's a lot worse than anyone knew.

Yes, it's been general knowledge for years that he was a horndog willing to sleep with fans, pro-kink, etc. The details that have been emerging, however, paint a much darker picture.

You don't have to read the article, and I honestly encourage people not to unless they've got a good support system and access to mental health support. It's bad. It's really bad.

TW for the article: sexual assault, ignoring revoked consent, predatory behaviour, grooming behaviour, abusive BDSM practices, exploitation of power imbalances, implied child abuse

I remember how much I loved Harry Potter as a young teenager.

It's how I got into fanfiction, and the first thing I enjoyed that the Cool Kids didn't mock. Harry Potter played a large part in making fanfiction Mainstream, rather than a dirty secret.

I remember how much I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, with its cast of misfits who saved the world. I could write entire essays - and have - about that show.

I remember how much it hurt when the creators failed to live up to the ideas and ideals they'd instilled in their fans.

"At least we've still got Neil Gaiman..." was the quiet hope of many. He was active on social media, speaking out against discrimination of all stripes. He was approachable, he engaged with fans without talking down to them, he stood up for LGBTQ+ people and their right to exist and be represented in fiction and real life... in a time when so many of our Heroes had turned out to be Disappointments, that was important.

The thing about Groomers is that they don't just groom their victims; they groom the people around them, so that the victims are less confident in coming forward, because they're such a nice person, it couldn't possibly be true! Are you sure you didn't just misread the situation?

Gaiman was very good at projecting an image and surrounding himself with wholesome people. Perhaps that's why it took so long for the allegations to come out.

That's why so many people are being quiet about the revelations.

Not denying them, but not yet ready to speak out ourselves. We're mourning the person we thought we knew. Grieving the role model we believed would like up to expectations. It's hard and painful, and it takes time to come to terms with it all.

Gaiman's statement, a shining example of DARVO dressed up as a non-apology, didn't do anything to help.

I wasn't a huge fan of Gaiman's work. I read American Gods and the Graveyard Book and found them average but enjoyable. Chivalry was a fun short story. I enjoyed the movie adaptation of Stardust more then the book.

But my relationship with the person I love more than anything began because I took the advice he gave a fan on Tumblr on how to seduce a writer ("We're kind of oblivious, try a written invitation").

His advice on writing and not expecting too much of yourself and mental health got me through some very tough times. To discover that this advice was superficial at best and a cover at worst hurts. It will likely keep hurting for a long time.

How do I divorce that from the monster I know him as now? How do I separate the man from his words? Is it even possible to keep the good and discard the harm?

For anyone who was a bigger fan that me, Amazon and Audible are both currently offering refunds for Gaiman's books, all formats, no questions asked. If you can't face having his books on your shelf in light of everything, here's your opportunity.