A Glass Room

I feel lost. I think I have always felt lost. I mean everyone says that but thinking back to my teenage years I think lost is the only way to describe how I felt. Even now at 22 I feel lost. It's like I am stuck in place watching everyone around me live their lives and their dreams. Everyone else gets to "live their best life" but I'm stuck in place. It's not like I don't have dreams or don't know what I want because I do but it's like there is this wall that I can't get past.

A glass room with my dreams sitting right outside the walls and I keep running into the glass trying to get to them. Glass so clean that I don't realize it is there until I am ramming my face into it. Glass so hard that I forget it's there when I hit it so I keep trying to get through it and I end up running into it again. Glass so thick that no matter how much I try to chip away I will never get through it. All I need is a glass cutter and I will be able to get out of the glass room. All I need is that one thing to fall into place and I will be able to move with the people around me instead of just watching them go by. All I need is that one thing to fall into place so that I don't feel so lost among the crowd.

It feels like I will always be in that glass room just out of reach of my dreams while watching people walk right through their glass rooms. It feels like I will always be in that glass room on display for everyone to see. On display for peers to point at and laugh about how far behind I am. On display for adults to point at and judge me on how unsuccessful I am compared to my peers or where they were at my age.

I know that the glass is not as clean as I think it is and I can avoid running into it. I know that the glass is not as hard as I think it is and I am not actually forgetting it's there just burying the memories deep. I know the glass is not as thick as I think it is and I can just chip away at it strategically and it won't feel so daunting. I know that the glass cutter is sitting on the table right next to me and all I have to do is pick it up. I know that the one thing I need to fall into place in my life is me. I just don't know what to do or where to start. I feel lost.

Nobody really understands what I feel. Even if I explain it to them, this glass room that I am trapped in, they can't comprehend what it feels like. It feels like I am being suffocated in this glass room. I can feel the walls slowly closing in to trap me in this glass room. I see everyone passing me by overcoming their obstacles while mine holds me hostage. As they go by me they give me passing advice like "just change your mindset" "write down your goals" "manifest your dreams" "get a planner". Why they think that any of that is helpful I don't know but, regardless, it doesn't help me. It just makes me feel worse about the fact that I can't get out of the glass room. It makes me feel dumb. How could I not find a way out of the room like they can? What do they have that I don't? Why can't I get out? What in me is so broken that I can't make it out of the stupid glass room?

I feel lost.