A cynic gets surprised by astrology...

"My cynicism is lovingly cultivated but spiky cactus, which sometimes puts out a tiny, pathetic flower. Is today a flower-day?"

In the UK we have a wonderfully nutty, but slightly endearing astrologer called Russell Grant. Now I wouldn’t be one to leap to my feet and proclaim him to be an ‘A-List’ celebrity, but in terms of tenacity you really have to hand it to the guy. His television career is the eponymous cigarette-butt, always good for one more puff. As reading the heavens hasn’t obviously been paying all the bills, he’s been spotted on the tube doing other wacky things, ‘rubbing up a nickel’ as I wish Americans actually said. Singing, dancing, cooking, reading the fortunes of family-pets. A one-man Barnum & Bailey circus where the oddities keep coming.

If you grew up in the 1980’s in the UK, well, you have my congratulations. It was a great time to be young and impressionable. No form of mental experimentation or self-delusion was too crazy to be contemplated and then followed devoutly. It was the age that gave us cherry-flavoured Coca-Cola, microwave pizza and ‘Fame!’, sometimes all in the same evening. The ability to skip past the inevitable sense of self-loathing in the morning afterwards? Also very 1980’s.

If one of those self-delusional mental alleyways was more thoroughly explored than any other it was astrology, and at the end of that dark alleyway leading to ‘Richard & Judy’ was our chubby, cheerful, ersatz-Welsh Astrologer – Russell Grant. For the record – I never truly believed a word of it, but as tripe goes it was of the entertaining variety, and who doesn’t want to hear that life is just about to get much better. If it’s in the stars…

I have a reputation for being cynical. It’s something I’ve worked at very hard over many years; like a pot-plant gift to the world which contains a lovingly cultivated but particularly spiky cactus. It sometimes puts out a tiny pathetic flower, but not often. Today is not a flower-day. Today is the day to offer up some of Russell Grants’ astrological pronouncements to the cactus-spike and see which of them is full of air. I’m quoting his amazing pronouncements and sage advice verbatim under ‘fair-use’ copyright, as this definitely constitutes ‘criticism’.

There’s no time to start like the present, so I’ve extracted Russell’s pronouncement for me (a Cancerian) to cover yesterday. I was hoping that it would say that today was the day I’d be likely to write a prize-winning critique of astrology, but I’m disappointed. Disappointed too that he didn’t get that right either and say I’d be disappointed. How disappointing…

Anyway, here’s what Russell Grant said yesterday:

“Your doubts about the true loyalty of a friend or colleague are confirmed when actions they are now taking will prove they're only looking after their own interests. Despite their assertions that they're thinking of you too, it is clear they aren't. Start to distance yourself from this person.”

Now, like Tahani Al-Jamil I am wondering if this refers to the fact that my good friend Bono offered to give my other good friend Sting a lift to the airport to save me the trouble, but that can’t be it. However – I’ll distance myself from Bono anyway just in case. You know what? This horoscope is actually looking to be pretty beneficial after all. Top marks so far, Russell Grant!

But, that’s got to be a lucky and happy coincidence, surely? Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, or so they say. We’ll give Russell another spin then and pitch him up against Valentine’s day; it’s a tough challenge, but he did so well in distancing me from Bono that I’m riding high on a wave of optimism.

Here’s Russell Grant’s valentine’s horoscope for a sad, pathetic, cactus Cancerian:

“Just because you love to relax at home doesn’t mean your amour feels the same. Arranging a Valentine’s surprise will put the twinkle back into their eyes. Seize moments of romantic opportunity that ignite your passionate fire. Remind your lover of how good you can be together. Your fertile imagination can keep passion high in the bedroom, and anywhere else for that matter. If you’re at the start of a relationship try to keep things fairly light for now. You will sense when you’ve met your soulmate but they may not be as intuitive. It might take a wee while for them to discover what you already know.”

Well. Knock me down; Russell Grant has actually gone and done it again, hit it out of the park actually. ‘You will sense when you’ve met your soulmate but they may not be as intuitive.’ I am immediately transported back to the ‘day it happened,’ which I am sure in retrospect must have been a Valentine’s day. There I was, cycling along in my native hometown alongside a well-known river near a well-known film studio. And suddenly, a beautiful girl with pure white hair zips past me on her svelte bicycle, going in the opposite direction like an impossibly blonde zephyr. There’s just enough time for her to give me an impish grin (as I recall it). And then, like Keyzer Zöse’s beautiful and not-at-all sinister niece, she was gone.

I cycled in a daze, time passed. Co-workers looked at me in puzzlement, wondering why I was acting so strangely and repeating ‘White hair, bicycle,’ over and over. They were eventually able to explain that she did actually exist, was an international superstar, and was filming some wizardy-nonsense in my home-town. I’ve not seen it, the wizardy-thing that is, it might spoil the memory. I never saw her again… The memory is all I have… I should have stolen her bicycle... At least then I’d have something…

Bah! I say, the past is the past. Russell Grant is pulling some sort of confidence trick here, I reckon. The human bean is so capable of post-rationalisation that any pronouncement of past meaning with resonance will be unconsciously incorporated into the id. Nice try astrologer, I say. Fool me twice, more fool me… or something like that. Time for one final test. Tell me the future, Russell Grant, and see if your words have the power to alter my actions.

With the metaphorical glove slapped in Russell Grant’s face and cast to the ground I nervously extract his words for tomorrow:

“Someone you live with or work with will be prone to over reacting when the smallest of things go wrong. You're trying to be patient but you aren't in the mood to tolerate stupidity. Instead of watching them make a fool of themselves, you will quietly get on with what needs to be done without them.”

The words settle over me like bee-free honey. Not the part about people over-reacting, I’ve become accustomed to it, but the part about where I “quietly get on with what needs to be done.” I’m looking at my shoes now, my mental voice quiet and surprisingly earnest – ‘I do try to get on and get things done,’ I’m thinking. I’m not listening to the other part that’s making a big stink about how most other people are flaming idiots, or trying not to. I’m trying to be patient. Oh carp – Russell Grant said I’d do that!

Have I been wrong to so dismiss Russell Grant? So far, he’s doing pretty well in terms of laying bare the threads of my life. What else might he know, what powers might lie hidden within that chubby genius? I think it’s time to see what he says about me at a fundamental level. I’m scared… hold me Emilia….

The profile of a Cancerian delivered by our putative genius goes thusly:

“Sensitive and overly protective, highly emotional and very touchy, with an innate need for security. Surely one of the most caring and compassionate of the Zodiac signs. Don’t get the impression that they are a complete pushover. Both the male and female of the species are fiercely ambitious, and show a sense of purpose in whatever they do. Loyal and sympathetic, with the best of intentions, everything is based on their feeling. It is a complex sign, moody and clingy on the one hand, and a general mistrust in humans. Passionate and physical. The crab tends to move sideways, has a hard shell, but soft underbelly. The best advice is to follow their remarkable instincts, even if it leads to a wild ride.”

Well. I really don’t know what to say. Even the fact that I think that astrology is total carp, but find myself agreeing almost completely with Russell Grant’s assessment of me plays directly into his chubby hands.

I give in.

At the end of the day any philosophical framework only plays back to you what you bring to it. Astrology may be hokum, but that’s not really the point, is it? It holds up a mirror to our assumptions, attitudes, hopes, fears, ambitions, prejudices and our loves. What we see is ourselves, nothing more, nothing less. So let’s take the best of it and leave the rest of it.

--oOo--

Postscript:

Gah – I’m such a Cancerian.

Russell Grant - keep swinging.

Emilia - Who loves 'ya baby!