7 Destructive Traits People With Personality Disorders Exhibit In Relationships

I was diagnosed with personality disorder. I decided to compile a list of psychological defense mechanisms that are commonly found in these disorders.

1. Projection and Projective Identification

Projection refers to projecting one's feelings onto another person. This is often defensive and involves attributing one’s unacceptable urges to someone else. On the other hand, projective identification is the act of projecting unwanted or subconscious emotions or qualities onto another person (projection), and that person internalises the projections (identification).

People with personality disorders can be hypervigilant and will attribute motives to anyone. Even if you haven’t done anything of the sort, they may think you’re trying to control them. Because of their traumas, they expect others to behave the same way. They interpret everything you do as an indication that things could escalate and may repeat the trauma.

This is an example: I briefly had a relationship with him a few years ago. He was extremely materialistic and believed all women were gold-diggers. Because he believed this would make women chase him, he would brag about how rich he is. He was misinterpreting my feelings because I am often wary of strangers and stay distant, and that I didn't like him or were only interested in his money. It was obvious that even though I was nice and warm, he assumed that this was because of my desire to have his money. This is an example in projection: he projected his past experiences onto me and his materialism onto him.

He seemed to be even more serious in his relationships. He had many children from many women. He was essentially getting women pregnant to make him and his money dependent and they wouldn't be able leave. He felt that they were using him to make money, even though he created the situation. This is an example in projective identification, as he was forcing people to conform his worldview.

2. Black & White Thinking

People with personality disorders will have a Dr Jekyll-Mr Hyde personality. Sometimes they are very kind to you, but then suddenly they turn on you and hate you. They will switch between black and white more quickly and are more polarized.

This is also known as Madonna Whore Complex. People with personality disorders may see others as Madonnas (good) and Whores (bad). Many people also believe that attachment, love, and emotions are weakness. They all have insecure attachment styles, which means that they are more anxious and insecure when they love someone.

Because they associate bad girl/guy traits with strength, they are more attracted to people who have them. However, once someone likes them, they suddenly become Madonnas. They are good but weak, dependent and insecure. Because of their rigid thinking, they can't see you as anything other than what you are. Either you are liked and respected, but also seen as cold and evil. Or you are devalued and considered weak.

3. Devaluation

People with personality disorders control their inner world through externalizing. If they worry about their success, and they see others who have more than them, they will feel insecure. However, if they see the most successful person in the room, they will feel confident. They often feel the need devalue others (their achievements, looks, etc.) to feel better about themselves.

This resulted in me being in the same competition as people I had dated repeatedly. In essence, we played a game called "Who Cares Less". To feel confident, I had to make it seem like I was the weakest and most autonomous person because I was so concerned about my strength and independence. Projective identification was also a factor in this. By being distant and not showing affection, my partners would feel insecure. This would then allow me to devalue them, making me more resilient. I would instead of acknowledging my insecurities and project them on the other person, so they could deal with them.

After much self-reflection, I realized that it was stupid to enter this competition. Relationships should not be about who cares more -- partners should have equal respect for each other. I don't need to externalize to the same level any more.

4. Victim Mentality

People with personality disorders often see themselves as victims. This is because people with personality disorders often see themselves as the victim of mistreatment. They believe they can be forgiven and excused even if they don't. They don't usually understand how others feel about their behavior.

I believed everyone was against me in the past and that people tried to control me. I kept a list of all the wrongs I had done, but I never stopped to look at what I had done wrong. I became very bitter and resentful.

After I began to recognize my contribution and learn more about others, I realized that victim mentality was a choice. Yes, I was hurt but trauma can happen to anyone. There are many people who have lived in war zones, death camps, or very poor countries and they all know how to overcome it. If these people can overcome such things, then I believe I can also get over my experiences. Instead of dwelling on the negative, I chose to be grateful for all the positive things in my life.

5. Lack of empathy and selfishness

People with personality disorders have a tendency to lack empathy. This is evident when they behave badly and don't realize or downplay the impact it has on others.

In my relationships, for example, I still worry about how much distance needs to be maintained between me and the other person. I don't like texting constantly -- communication must be separated. In the past, I was very hostile and defensive when a partner would text me excessively or ask questions that were not intrusive but I found normal. They started to be more careful and not accidentally make me feel uncomfortable by being intrusive.

If they needed reassurance, I would be annoyed and wonder, "Why should I give anyone reassurance?" People should be reassured as I am. Yet, I expected them to understand and tolerate my trauma and bad behavior without considering how it might affect them. Also, I was selfish, and not only did I lack empathy.

6. Communication problems

People with personality disorders can also have difficulty communicating. It varies according to the severity of their disorder, but they can't communicate well and jump to conclusions based upon their readings of others without verifying that they are correct. They are aggressive and hostile when they communicate.

In my relationships, I had high expectations. However, I wouldn't communicate them to the other person. This was because I didn’t want them to believe I cared enough to use my feelings to abuse me or take advantage of me. I expected them to know the right thing without me having to say anything. When I felt bad, I would tell my friends "Well, he should have known not do that?" But in reality, it was absurd -- people can't read your mind and know exactly what you need to do.

As I began to understand people better and try to see things through their eyes, I realized that I had high expectations of them. Instead of expecting perfection from them, I realized that they were human beings with their own problems.

7. Disproportional Reactions

People with personality disorders are known to react differently to even the slightest irritation or provocation. People with personality disorders are often hypervigilant and constantly scan their surroundings and other people to see if they have been discriminated against or wronged. They escalate any conflict, no matter how minor or imagined. These occur repeatedly, and they are recurrent. They eventually have terrible relationships with everyone.

This helped me to learn how to stop reacting when I was angry and take a step back. I tell myself that I'm angry, but I have the option to react tomorrow or next week. I don’t have to react right away. To reduce my anger, I imagine the other person's point of view. Because most conflicts are just communication issues, and only 1/10 situations deserve a response, I realized this. This has become easier over time, but it does take a lot of practice.

What should you do if you are involved with someone who has a personality disorder?

I don't believe that leaving is an option unless the person is self-aware, has worked on their own problems for some time, and is now fully aware of what is happening. It's unfair to judge people, especially since I have seen significant improvements in my own self-awareness and believe that anyone can make changes. People change because they are motivated to, not because someone asks them to. I didn't ask anyone to change me and I wouldn't even have tried if they had. The person has to be the one who does it. You shouldn't try to force anyone to change.

Even though I have made some improvements, I am not yet cured. I do not know if I can change enough to become fully functional. If you look closely enough at someone with personality disorders, you'll see them. You must take the child, who may be narcissistic or have a superiority complex and make it clear that they are destructive and not helpful. Because they are a child, they have very limited self-introspection. Therefore, they can be difficult to work with.