I turned 55 on Sunday, Feb. 2, the Groundhog Day. And it hit me hard.
I do occasionally suffer from the Birthday Blues. You know, no one's getting younger and every year is another wrinkle on your face and in other places. I know, I know, there are a lot of people even in this community who might think, "55! I wish I were that young again!" and I do understand them. I really do. We all have different perspectives on our own age.
But I still get hit by Birthday Blues. More often in the recent years, mostly because I live alone now and even though my friends always do something to celebrate with me, I still feel alone. My mother and my sister (who is exactly three years and three days younger, so we usually have two celebratory Skype sessions for each of us) live across the big Atlantic pond and I have no idea when I will be able to see them again, because of Putin's war in Ukraine. I haven't seen my mother in person since 2019 and my sister - since 2023 when she was able to come to Bishkek for a week while I was there.
Here in America, it's just me and my son. He goes to college 750 miles away, and this year, knowing how important my birthday is for me, he came up to spend it with me. It helped that it fell on a Sunday and he wanted to do a documentary on the Groundhog Day.
So, on the day, groggy after a sleepless stretch of celebrations on the Gobbler's Knob, my son took me out for a birthday lunch and then I drove him to Cleveland to catch a flight back south. Before I dropped him off at the airport, we spent a couple of hours at the Cleveland Museum of Art, which is quickly becoming one of my favorite museums.
I absolutely loved their Impressionism Gallery that holds some major works of art by Degas (my favorite large painting of his is the cover photo for this story, but the museum also has a couple of other smaller ballerina paintings), Monet, Pissaro, Cezanne, and Renoir. They also have several Gauguins and a couple of Van Goghs I haven't seen in person before, including these Poplars.
I could stay in that gallery for much longer, but we had timed tickets to the special temporary exhibition titled "Picasso and Paper."
Oh, what a treat to the eyes and soul it was! It deserves a separate story for the Art community, but I was deeply impressed by how Picasso used paper as a versatile medium not only for sketches of his paintings and sculptures, but also as main material in collages and paper sculptures. It was especially cool to see some of the paper sketches right next to the final paintings or sculptures, as illustrated in these pictures:
We left the museum 10 minutes before closing and I drove my son to the airport. I held up pretty well saying good-bye for another long stretch that I won't see my son (probably not until his graduation in May) but on the drive back I broke down, swallowed by the wave of self-pity and doubt. Why am here, alone again? How long am going to continue like this? I have a job that I love, but I do long to be closer to my son and my family.
I tried to call my friend on the phone but she was not available. So crying and wiping my tears, I got back to my town. I did call my boss during the drive saying that I was a mess and might need to take the next day off for mental health. He understood. Little did I know that he was already going through his own loss and grieving at the time I called, which put things into a different perspective later.
When I finally got home, I remembered my pre-Birthday dream and decided to go and buy a lottery ticket. I won $100 in a scratch-off, which I guess was the fate's big fat joke (I always joke to my son that I'd probably have to work until I die, as I started working in the US late in life and will never manage to secure my own retirement).
I did take that Monday off, not just for the Birthday Blues but also because my stomach acted out in the morning and I had a really bad cough. I think my body was just too tired. I am teaching five courses this semester (the normal load is four), all of them are unique, which means a lot of prep and grading, and one of them is completely new to me. I honestly don't know how I will survive this semester as I seem to be perpetually busy and trying to catch up with the run-away train of my teaching, service and research responsibilities. And I'm still catching up with that lost Monday in some of my classes.
It took me more than a whole week to finish this story, too. I do feel much better now, if you are wondering. Keeping busy is the best remedy from all Birthday Blues. But I still don't like February, with the 4th year of Putin's war in Ukraine coming up on Feb. 24. It used to be a short, hopeful and promising month for me, and now it's nothing but a misery drag. I can't wait for it to end and the spring to come.
About the Creator
Lana V Lynx
Avid reader and occasional writer of satire and short fiction. For my own sanity and security, I write under a pen name. My books: Moscow Calling - 2017 and President & Psychiatrist
@lanalynx.bsky.social
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Ditched - Index
This index is just for my subscribers. I finished and published this long story or short novella of 6,000 words recently. I tried to link all previous parts of the story in the next one, so if you went along you shouldn't have been lost. This index is just put everything in one place.
By Lana V LynxExclusive • 3 months ago
Society Often Teaches Us to Suppress Our Sad Feelings, Branding Them as Negative.
Allow yourself the time to feel, process, and let go. What a journey we’ve traveled together. You can relate to that pain that appears out of nowhere and wants to linger in our minds. Once fear moves in, it takes root—spreading doubt, loneliness, and confusion It’s that kind of pain that overtakes your mental health, gradually making a home within you. Your thoughts can create a space filled with fear, a feeling that we often cling to because it’s the one our minds use against us—leading to a fierce battle between your thoughts and your feelings. It’s a struggle no one wants to lose, yet losing yourself feels like an ever-present threat. Isn’t that a trick life plays on us?
By Johana Torres11 days ago in Psyche
Comments (26)
A very happy and much belated birthday wish to you! Your story was enjoyable, though it lamented the birthday blues and missing your son. I hope things are less dire though in view of Trump's recent press conference with Zelensky, I know you are feeling the effects of such a disastrous and horrific meeting. At least one of the men in attendance was an admirable human being and commendable leader......
Congratulations ,you won the top story
Thanks for sharing your story, Lana, and for the art. I hadn't seen the poplars before. At least I don't recall seeing them, but you know what happens to memory with age, LOL. Great to see some 3D Picasso too. I'll add Cleveland to my worldwide art tour, which will probably never happen but it's almost as good thinking about a journey as taking it ,and at least if I don't it will save on the carbon footprint... not to mention the money. I know Cleveland's cold this time of year: (The border's quiet and Cleveland's cold...) sang Townes Van Zandt. And of course there's a lot of water between you and the 51st State. Spring is on its way, though, so hope you feel the benefit soon. Congratulations on the TS and best wishes
Lk — You’ve evolved so eloquently as Ive read you over the years — — ❤️🌹—
hallo nice
A gut-wrenching share! I'm glad that you felt safe enough to discharge your feelings here. It is quite a humbling thing to do and there are many understanding hearts here. Top story congrats!
I am back to say Congratulations 🎉on Top Story!!!!
Your reflection on the Birthday Blues and longing for family is deeply heartfelt and relatable.
I turned 40 on Feb 3 rd, belated birthday wishes to you
You point out so many reasons why this Month is now a negitive for you. Do not give that person the right to take away your joy, he's done enough damage. Although I understand being away form family, I moved our family away over twenty years ago and like you i enjoy this place I truly miss and missed out on family. ( Dropping your son off hit home)
Back to say congratulations on your Top Story! 🎉💖🎊🎉💖🎊
Awww Lana! God, I want to give you a hug!! My goodness, I feel this. How strong,.how resilient you have been. I hope amongst the angst you feel proud of how intrepid and resourceful.you are. Your strength rings off the page. Happy Birthday to you. Wishing you all the joy you deserve for the future! ❤️
Happy birthday to you, and glad you got to spend time with your son!
Happy Belated Birthday Lana! Congrats on your Top Story!
good writing
I am so sorry to hear that you suffer from the birthday blues! Getting older is not an easy task and itself. Wait till you get into your mid 60s things start to get a little bit tougher physically. But we really have to cherish each year that we have because not everybody gets to get old. Enjoy it while you have it. I really enjoyed reading your story. You did such a great job, communicating your feelings and your birthday activities and the time that you had with your son. You are a true writer and I always enjoy reading your works. Happy birthday to you! You’re a great person and I hope to one day meet you in person.
A happy belated birthday, Lana, and many hugs. Glad that the time with your son didn't make it so blue, and that the time at the museum was quality time! Have a good rest...you deserve it.
Firstly, Lana, happy birthday, even if it didn't feel like it. I'm sending warmth your way. You sound fatigued and I think you were right to take a day. At almost 52 I know how you feel about ageing. I don't dwell on it too much, though my body has other ideas about reminding me. I feel for you being away from your family especially with the way the world is at the moment. I hope that writing about it gave you some respite from its weight. I just want to give you a hug.
Wishing you a Happy Belated Birthday 🎂✨️❤️ I'm glad your son managed to make it for your birthday and that you're feeling better now. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️ I hope as the years go by, it'll be easier for you to handle your birthday blues. Also, what loss was your boss going through?
Dear Lana. I think birthdays are hard when you’re far away from family. I think it’s made worse because you feel like you should be happy and celebrating. I’m so glad your son came to visit and I hope the war ends and you get to see your family again. I’m flying home to the U.K. in May for the first time since 2022. I think we are both longing for spring. Wishing you all the best and just take it easy.
Nice work
Thanks for sharing your story with us… Belated birthday greetings, a special day celebrating ‘You’!💖🥳. Age is just a number! I’m one such person who looks back in time to my 55th birthday 🎂. I completed radiation treatment & have travelled another 7 years happily down life’s track. I’m sure your family miss seeing you regularly too🤔. 😅 Phew… you sure have a tough work load 🥹… trust life eases off a bit.💐
Happy belated Birthday, Lana!🎂🍻🎈 Sending you the biggest virtual hug ever!!! I always say to myself, "One day at a time sweet Jesus" when I feel overwhelmed. It can definitely be applied in any similar situation. Once a month or more, my cousin and I used to walk to the Natural history museum very close to the Art Museum when we were kids. And my sister got married on the front steps of that same Art Museum you just went to. Small world. I haven't been to either in at least 3 decades. I can only imagine the changes they have made. So glad to hear you're feeling better!
🫂hugs, Lana. I know how hard these birthdays can be, for whatever reason <3
Im glad you finished the story. Sorry you’re sad about your age. I feel the same way sometimes! Great work