3 Traits of Socially Confident People.

One of the consequences of the Coronavirus has been increasing loneliness. Regardless of our characteristics, humans are social creatures. To live a happy and successful life, we need to interact with others and feel liked and validated by our peers.

For some, this is easy, while others struggle even to understand the rules of the game. I have certainly been in this latter category for much of my life, and I have identified three key traits that socially confident people have in common.

1. They Lack Fear of Rejection.

People who lack social confidence defeat themselves before they even begin an engagement because they are convinced the other person will reject them. They also view such rejection with the utmost seriousness, almost as if it is a mortal threat.

This fear may prevent you from engaging in idle chatter in routine situations such as grocery shopping. It may ruin your chances at job interviews, which require confidence and an air of authority. If you do get a job, it may affect your ability to negotiate and ultimately leave you open to people taking advantage of you.

You may never find love because you will worry about how you are coming across and whether the other person likes you when on a date.

You may feel peer pressure to behave in a way you are uncomfortable with in a desperate attempt to maintain friendships. At its worst, you may even indulge in illegal or immoral acts just to fit in.

I spent much of my younger life fearing rejection. I used to pretend that I didn’t like people my age to avoid them.

At school, I was very unpopular. When it came to break time, I would never attempt to join in any sports or games because I “knew” I was terrible at them, and the more popular kids would inevitably laugh and reject me.

My strategy was to make friends and mingle with the one or two students who were even less popular than me. This made me feel like the “one-eyed man in the land of the blind”.

On the face of it, the strategy was a success. I made a couple of friends, felt a tiny bit better about myself and avoided all those nasty complications stemming from rejection.

However, this behaviour caused me several problems.

First, I had wedged myself in a terrible tiny comfort zone. I did not need to address my lack of confidence or my painful self-hatred. I did not need to push myself and master more complex social interactions.

Secondly, I had cemented my reputation as a loser. I felt like a loser, so I mixed with other perceived losers, continuing the cycle.

I lived behind a mask of hostility where I feigned hatred of people to avoid the painful task of working on myself.

The solution is to redefine how you interpret rejection.

Rejection only affects you if you associate it with a lack of wholeness in yourself. If you believe that rejection only happens to worthless or stupid people, then every social interaction feels like a mortal threat. No wonder you can’t relax if your very worth as a person is constantly on the line.

Instead, view rejection as a chance to get better. Use it to look for ways you can improve next time.

My dad spent his whole life writing books. Yet, he only attempted to get them published a handful of times. He was unsuccessful, but he hated the feeling of rejection and so he gave up. However, every successful writer has been rejected on hundreds of occasions.

The same is true of any endeavour. The vast majority of successful people have failed, been rejected, and gone through long periods of frustration. However, they accept it as part of the learning curve and have a deep self-belief which means they never give up.

2. They Are Not Afraid to Say Something Stupid.

You may feel in constant danger of saying the “wrong” thing in a conversation. At its worst, this can lead to a full-on social anxiety disorder.

Often at school, I would refuse to answer a question, even if I was confident in my knowledge of the subject, in case I was wrong and ridiculed.

Perhaps surprisingly, I would also refuse to answer a question because if I were right, I would be mocked as a “nerd” or a “geek”. I couldn’t win no matter what I did, so I let social pressure get the better of me and just kept quiet for the sake of survival.

The solution here requires another cognitive shift. You only know the “right” things to say through trial and error with saying “stupid” things. If you spend a conversation constantly censoring and second-guessing yourself, the discussion will be stunted and unproductive. The other person will be unlikely to leave with a good impression of you.

To counter this, learn to say things without hesitation. Most of us know what is considered deeply inappropriate, but anything else is fair game. Practice speaking freely. The other person wants to know the real you, not a stunted self-obsessed version.

3. They Can Level the Playing Field with Anyone.

Socially confident people do not care what happens in a conversation. They are happy when it goes well and make a new friend, acquaintance or associate, but they are equally unphased if it goes badly. They have a sense of proportion and realise it is not the end of the world. After all, you cannot be liked by everyone.

This stems from a deep inner belief that you are good enough and that no one is worth more than you. Whilst it is true that the person may know more about a subject, may be higher ranked in an organisation or social structure than you, we are all equal at our core.

To achieve this, you have to take care of yourself and develop the ability to sense the “energy” of the other person. Stand your ground no matter what.

This determination and acceptance of possible conflict will do wonders for your self-esteem. You will prove to yourself that you are worth standing up for, and you will gain confidence as you assert yourself and demand your rightful place in society.

The most significant benefit of standing your ground is you will only allow people into your life that love and respect you. You won’t stand for anything less.

Conclusion.

Socially confident people are “confident people”. Such people know their worth, and they have clearly defined boundaries for how they allow themselves to be treated. They don’t have the time or inclination to analyse every social interaction for fear of messing it up or failing to leave a good impression.

Whilst they want interactions to go well, they understand the core concept that it is impossible to be liked by everyone, and they are ok with letting those negative interactions go.

I believe in the concept of Fake it until you make it. By imitating positive personality traits, you can eventually realise those qualities in real life.

Much like a swan, the world sees someone gliding elegantly along, unaware of the frantic activity going on below the surface.

Social confidence will take you a considerable step closer to your dreams, but the priority, as always, is to love yourself unconditionally.