Most girls at their 23 birthday are out with their friends clubbing and having a great time. I was at home in with a heating pad wanting the day to be over.. Most girls are putting make up on and doing their hair every day I struggle just to brush my hair and throw on some mascara.. Most girls make plans for their weekend I have to wait till the weekend to make plans that go around my pain schedule.
At 23 I never thought i would be living a life of pain. I life where Im constantly taking pills to numb the pain. Where I can't do the things I want to because if Im in pain I can't just lay down.
The spoon theory used to sound unrealistic and crazy to me until I started dealing with Chronic Pain my self and now that I deal with it daily it makes so much sense. 12 spoons a day and during the day certain activities take less spoons at the end of the day how many do you have left? Did you have any left???
After a 6 months of practicing the spoon theory I started to realize i needed to start being more observant of my spoons. Sometimes i was trying to take spoons from other days. I never seemed to have enough throughout the day and somedays it was like i woke up to a sink full of dirty spoons.
Somedays I wake up more tired then I went to bed. Some days you wake up and the pain is so bad you have no appetite. Somedays you can barely remember what day it is or if there is anything you need to do that day.
I don't bother to make plans anymore because I will cancel them. I cancel doctors appointments, I cancel plans with my best of friends, I cancel grocery shopping trips. The anxiety of going out is so high on somedays I don't want to see people at all. Also i worry about being to far away from home and a bathroom and my heating pad..
At one point I kept asking myself what did I do to deserve this? Why me? I don't deserve this... One day i realized no I don't deserve this but its make me stronger and if I couldn't handle it I wouldn't have been given this battle to fight. This battle you do fight alone but its a battle that others have conquered and you will too. It takes time but with a good set of doctors and the willingness to try anything is what will give you the power to one day conquer anything that stands in your past.
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