What is Love Anyway?

I'd only ever been told that

"A man and a woman were the only two humans who could have a relationship together."

It made me question who I was

"Was I normal?"

I was in a relationship with a male at this point, but I had kept a secret from him for almost three years.

I had feelings and attraction for other women, and I had slept with several.

I had a deep-seated fear of the man I was dating during this time. He had many conditions for our relationship, and I was only loved if I behaved in a way that he approved.

I often only dared to let my feelings show to other women when he wasn't there, because was aware of the verbal and emotional onslaught that I would be faced with.

I'd often try to force my eyes onto men alone when we were out, and if a woman I was attracted to approached me in front of him, I'd make all kinds of excuses to get away from her.

The problem with that was, I'd still feel attracted to her and I'd struggle with a deep-seated longing of wanting to know her better. That attraction was a struggle in cases where sexual attraction also came into play.

When it comes to women and me. It isn't just sexual attraction, it's also extremely emotional, like a hunger that just can't be satisfied.

I felt ashamed for knowing that I could feel attracted to and love another woman in the same way I could a man.

The man I was with was many years ago, but some statements he made against people who were LGBTQ+ were heartbreaking for me to hear, and they made conversations feel awkward which is why I never told him.

He had many friends who were LGBTQ+ and these are some of the disgusting statements that he would make about them:

• He's as bent as a teapot.
• He's totally queer and weird.
• He is as bent as a two-bob-note.
• She or he isn't normal.
• They are alien to me.
• I can't be friends with them. They kiss and its disgusting.
• She has no hole to put it in, that's why she only has sex with women.
• He can't pull a woman, so he chooses to be gay.
• A rainbow isn't normal.

• They are diseased.
• She only wanted to be a man to feel a dick between her legs.
• He can't be trans. He is a man.
• It's greedy to love both.
• Bisexual men and women are full of disease
• They are the most stupid people I have ever known.

When he came out with these statements, it pushed me back inside myself. I couldn't feel like a whole person in my relationship, and I felt that I had to hide my LGBTQ+ friends.

I had to make up excuses just so I could see them. I felt like a traitor and a liar, even guilty just for wanting to see the people that I loved so very much.

And I lost a lot of friends in the LGBTQ+ community because I couldn't stand up to him, for fear of being verbally abused and assaulted.

Even worse;

• The fear stopped me from telling them that I identified as bisexual, and what was happening to me.
• I felt like I was trapped inside a prison in my mind and body, where someone had thrown the key away.
• I felt that I would only be let out if I complied with his rules about who I was meant to be, rather than who I am.

In my present, I try to be completely open about my sexuality, and I am married to a man who deeply understands my sexuality, and does not get offended or stigmatize me when I tell him that I am attracted to other women.

However, I still have some trauma from my past relationship which makes it really awkward to talk about sex and attraction when it comes to what I feel for other women, so although I am open; talking about it doesn't come so easily all the time.

I still try though, because I think it is important to be open.

The sad thing is, I can't be open with everyone in my society, because people still mistreat me and look at me as if there is something wrong with me.

I was christened as a baby, though I don't regularly practice it and I am married to a catholic.

I often get comments from other Christians and Catholics such as:

"God won't allow that, and you will be punished."

That kind of comment is deeply upsetting. It makes me feel like I'm not normal for being the person I am.

It made me ask a question:

What is love anyway?

I am sure that love isn't about making a person have to walk around on eggshells just because they love someone of the same sex or both.

Love is supposed to be unconditional, and when you find it; it's supposed to be one of the most precious times that life has to offer.

So, from today, I'm saying that I don't care about anyone's discrimination against me or anyone else who is from the LGBTQ+ community.

It is time that society let people be who they are, and let everyone be free to love who they love.