What I Had

There she was, sunlight shining through her golden hair as she threw her head back in laughter. Her smile always made my heart skip a beat, she looked at me, eyes still watery from her laughter.

"Am I really that funny?" I asked with a smile on my lips.

"Yes! You always know how to make me laugh." She looked down at her feet, bashful now after her outburst of laughter. She was beyond anyone or anything I had experienced before her. I drank in her beauty, the soft freckles starting to show in the sunlight, her dark eyes reminded me of the spruce forests I had grown up in, they had this unmistakable spark within them that always knocked me off my feet. We sat there in silence for a while, her admiring the beauty of the hills around us and me, admiring her beauty, though she didn't seem to notice it at the time.

We always had a good time when we hung out together, sometimes we would talk about life in a deep sense. Like who we thought we would be now and how both of us were thinking we wouldn't make it this far in life. But we had come a long way. She always seemed to care about what I had to say, more than anyone else ever did. She listened so intently to my words and always knew what I needed to hear or if I just simply needed to let something off my chest. I think I did the same for her, or I hope I did anyway.

We were best friends for a while, spending many days together exploring the nearby woods or just wandering about in the town walking into the small shops and talking about how the world would be better if everyone shopped locally and cared more for our small businesses. It was something she was wildly passionate about. I cared too, but she would go to town meetings and she always supported the town when she could. She was a hard worker, sometimes she worked so much and so hard that it would become a burden on her body and mind. But she always powered through, doing her best to get what she wanted and needed done. She was always doing more than anyone else seemed to be doing. She simply couldn't stop moving, I think that she was afraid. Afraid that if she stopped for even a moment all her progress would be for nothing.

One day when we were out in the woods, she told me something I will never forget, she said " We, as human beings think we can't change things anymore, it's like we have given up on ourselves. But me, I will keep trying, keep doing what I can to make people realize that they can keep going. They can change things, even if they think they can't, everything we do has an effect to the world around us and to the people around us." She said it with a tone that made me feel like I could change the world too. She was always good at that, convincing people of their worth. Showing them things they can't see in themselves. That's what she did to me. That's why I loved her.

After a few months of us hanging out like this, working together to do all these things she needed to get done and wandering the woods together for that sigh of relief she needed after a hard days work. I told her. I told her how I loved her, how I can't go a single minute of the day without thinking about her. How I love her brown eyes and the way they sparkle, and how she makes me feel like I'm worth more than any money could pay. She looked at me and smiled, but not with happiness, the smile stopped at the end of her lips. From then on we kept hanging out, she would hold my hand as we walked through the woods. She would let me borrow her lipstick and her clothes. We would cuddle in my bedroom on cold nights. Then, we moved in together. It was amazing, for me.

We shared a studio apartment in the city near the town we used to live in. She would go to the town nearly everyday still trying to make a change, to do more than one person was capable of. She would come home and tell me these stories of hope and of the people who couldn't see the vision she had of the future. She would hold me as she talked, playing with my hair, braiding and un-braiding it. Then when she was done she would give me a little kiss on the forehead.

As time went on I wondered how she did it. She had so much energy that I'll never know the half of. I lacked the motivation to do much, I'd keep our home clean, I would get up for work in the mornings but be exhausted when I came home. But, her, her energy was never ending. Some days I felt lesser, just because I couldn't do it, I could never do what she did. I could barely keep up with what I did force myself into doing. She was always there doing so much for herself, for us, until she wasn't.

The day she left was probably the worst day of my life. She up and disappeared without a trace. I still don't know what happened to her, to us. I always wonder, did I make her leave? Was I too much for her to handle? We were together in life for a short time when you look at it but, she changed me. We had been friends for years and lovers for what felt like longer. I loved her and she knew it, she never told me she loves me though, well not in the way I had. She was an enigma, I should've known that I couldn't keep her to myself forever. It all came crashing down at once, we were happy. I was happy for once in my life. And I never saw her again. I never held her again, I never felt alive like that again. I don't know that I ever will feel as much as I did when she was around, she made my life electric even the air is different without her. Now the little apartment we shared feels empty, lacking life. I won't ever be the same, I hope she finds her hard work pays off someday. I want to see the difference she can make.