True Expression

As many great stories begin, the scene starts with my phone dying...

I was watching that new documentary on Hulu, "Planet Sex with Cara Delevingne", which was quite enlightening. I thought to myself, “What could I possibly do now?”

Play my Tibetan Singing Bowl of course!

As I started to play the soft meditative sound, it gently took me back to March 2, 2018.

My 26th Birthday AND the day after my divorce was finalized, yay for me!

At the time of my marriage, I was only 19 years old. My sole world experience, up until that point, revolved around following men and their orders. So does it really surprise you that I was married that young? #fuckthepatriarchy #fuckanyonethatgaslightsmeandsaysthepatriarchydoesntexist

But I digress...

In my divorce, I unfortunately had no legal representation, and tragically had my daughter taken from me. You’d think I would be sad back then, which I very much was. However, I think the overwhelming feeling immediately afterwards was... relief.

Give me a second to explain.

It wasn't relief in regards to my daughter. It was relief for being able to find safety for myself after YEARS of marital abuse...Oh I cried and avoided signing the paperwork for days.

I just didn't know there was any other way.

My ex manipulated me into believing that giving him full custody would allow me to be able to “heal and get a fresh new start". How could that possibly occur by separating a mother and daughter from eachother? It's cruel.

No one ever once explicitely told me that his lawyer was not for both of us. Atlas, I was young and naive.

Best case scenario, even if I had not been gaslighted by him, which I was. I still had no one in my life willing to help me pay for a lawyer (like his parents had done for him). I had been out of work for 1.5 years at that point. All my parents offered me, was a fresh new pile of verbal abuse and shame.

At the time, I had been out of my career to be home with my daughter. A role I was taught early on in my life was expected of me as the "nurturing female". Also my self-esteem was at an all time low after years of marital abuse, so I struggled with getting a job. Thank you Complex PTSD.

In my heart though, I think I knew all along, that I NEVER truly gave my daughter away.

The truth was, I was a victim of severe psychological, sexual, and physical abuse throughout my 6 year marriage. Also from a very young age, I had been trained to believe that that is what made up a marriage.

I never once asked myself if I was being abused.

I didn't, at the time, believe that people that were married COULD be sexually abused. I now know that is a false misconception. In fact some of the worst abuse is perpretrated by an intimate partner or spouse.

After being raped, to my horror, I found out I was pregnant. I was separated from my husband at that point, and had been living with my parents. When I told them about it, instead of receiving much needed support, I was gaslighted about having been sexually coherced and abused.

On top of my husband's psychological abuse, my parents actually made me believe that I deserved to be raped as well. While preparing to lose my closest Aunt to Stage 4 cancer, I sought the emotional support of a male friend that also knew my aunt. I say "friend" very lightly here, because this person also did NOT have my best interest at heart.

**When you've been abused as a child, it sometimes takes awhile to heal and attract better people into your life.

My parents strongly emphasized that "rape" is too strong of a word. If that doesn't prove the existence of misogyny, I don't know what does. Even after experiencing one of the worst abuses possible, I was manipulated by my own parents, into believing that my body wasn't even my own.

I was taught, even on my wedding day, that I was expected to perform sexually for my husband, even if I didn't want to. These are the same people that conveninently don't think that rape culture exists! I was simply the property of my husband. Keep in mind, this happened less than a decade ago.... Misogyny is alive and well folks!

***And btw I don't completely blame my mother, I think she has been brainwashed, herself, for as long as she has been with my father. I think she is a victim of pernicious abuse just as much as I was.

Nothing gets you back in the arms of an abuser much like an unwanted pregnancy due to rape. Also, gaslighting from the people closest to you doesn't help either...

Once I went back to live with my husband, he made sure to re-write the entire experience, as abusers often do. Commenting often about how him raping me, was "the most loving and passionate love making we've ever had." Can you imagine? The worst experience of my life, kept being broadcasted as a good experience. Cue severe postpartum depression and suicidal ideation.

I'm pretty sure the cop that stopped me in the park one night during that time, thought I was nutso. I was more concerned about the fact that it looked like I was drinking in my car (it was rootbeer), than the fact that I was contemplating how I was going to end my life. It was one of the rare GOOD experiences I've had with police. He told me, "Nothing is so bad, that taking your life will make it better." I am grateful to that officer, he definitely saved my life that day.

It feels SO good to get this out. I recall a part in my divorce papers where my ex insists that I don't say anything negative about him to our daughter, and that I don't share my story (about him) in public. WHOOPS! #sorrynotsorry

I even recall him saying to me, towards the end, that he could never be with someone like me, because my past was a bad reflection on him. And that he saw himself being a "high ranking member of our church" (at that time, I am no longer associated).

So much love goes out to these younger versions of Chloe that never knew better.

She didn't deserve to be manipulated and abused, by her family and spouse, throughout her young life.

I used to be in so much denial back then. I now realize that that denial was there to protect me. Protect me from having to face my trauma before I was ready to or even safe to. I cringe now, reflecting back on how I used to tell other people, “He is a wonderful dad, just a terrible husband to me.”

That is absolutely false.

Good father's don't randomly go on rampages where they throw out all the items in the kitchen and throughout the house unto the floor.

Good father's don't punch walls.

Good father's don't demand sex from their partner's, regardless of what their partner wants.

Good father's don't slap their child's mother in front of them.

Nope I don’t think it works that way.

So when I celebrated my 26th birthday with my younger brother. I think subconsciously I was celebrating the freedom from my abusive ex.

At that time, it was easier to deny I had a daughter, because then I wouldn't have to face the fact that 1) I had no one in my corner to help protect our best interests 2) I had signed away my parental rights without the resources to do otherwise.

Wow! That's painful to acknowledge.

On this Valentine's night, I am flooded with a bad taste in my mouth from all the unpleasant memories. It was never really a good holiday for me. Usually it was a time packed with even more gaslighting and grooming.

It's wild to realize that even in my divorce, I was being abused. I genuinely thought he was the good guy, and I was the "troubled one". My parents and my ex had done such an excellent job at brainwashing me to believe that I was choosing to give up my daughter.. as if I even had a choice.

It breaks my heart.

Just this last Sunday I asked my daughter why she didn't get to talk to me last Monday as well. She says "I tried to call you, but I'm only allowed to call you once a week."

Only once a week...

Do I get to see her sweet face and hear her voice. There are parent's in jail that have more legal parent time than I do.

Just let that soak in.

Did I know this was the case back then, no of course not! I had no legal representation. He had done such a great job at isolating me during/after my undergrad study, that it was normal for me to expect no support.

These words are just flowing out of me, and I had no idea they were stuck inside. The meditation I did with the sound bowl filled me with so much awareness. The truth is I had been stuck in fear all damn day. I had been reliving traumatic memories.

The bowl helped me connect with my inner wisdom and... My true expression.

As cliche as this sounds, my soul whispered, "Just be yourself!" and "Everything you already need is right there inside of you." Unknowingly, fear of rejection had been stuck in my body all day. What it really was though, was the fear that I wasn't safe.

My truth?

I am safe in this moment.

I am wanted, because I want myself.

I embrace myself despite what is happening in my outer world.

I can be unsure about the future AND confident that I will be ok. Up until this point I have made it through some pretty unbeatable odds.

Even after all this healing and growth that I've experienced over the last 7 years post divorce. I still find it easy for me to fall back unto fear. It has become a habit. However, it no longer serves me now.

I am forgiving myself for so easily choosing fear at times.

Lately, I've been getting all these impressions that my outer world is about to transform in massive ways. Since being away from my abusive exes (husband and most recently, a boyfriend), I have begun to re-connect with who Chloe really is. It becomes a lot easier to separate yourself away from everyone else's bullshit, when you find yourself in safety again.

I guess one of the things that I have realized, is that abundance is actually really easy for me to tap into. I have been that way since I was a child. I was the queer (but didn't realize it yet) kid in conservative Americana. The one that would stand in the middle of an elementary school carnival completely transfixed by the mountains. I was the one making filtration systems to clean water for 4th grade science projects (umm hello I'm a pisces). I was also the kid that got bullied for wearing skirts and being too "formal" in high school. Why? How the fuck do I know. What I do know is..

Abundance only stopped becoming familiar to me, when I started to listen to other people's voices over my own.

Lately, It's been very easy to feel exuberance and deep sadness. Which is kind of cool, because in my past it had been difficult to let myself feel either of those feelings. The wonderful thing about finally allowing my feelings to be expressed is that I can see the difference between someone who is truly on my side, from someone that is just a "pretender". I simply don't have space anymore for people that don't love me for who I truly am.

I guess that is the beautifully frightening thing about allowing yourself to be all of who you are.

Sometimes it will lead you to letting go of people or experiences that have helped keep you comfortable, yet stagnant. Yes, sometimes even family members need to be let go of. This journey also asks you to let go of your need to control or perhaps INTENSE dislike for discomfort and uncertainty.

With self-exploration and accountability comes A LOT of uncomfortable realizations. Trust me, I know, it's not fun to own your life and it's creations. Yes your trauma was NOT your fault, but it IS your responsibility to heal it.

As I write this, the Harry Styles Song, "Matilda" comes on.

"You can let it go. You can throw a party filled with everyone you know. And not invite your family because they never showed you love."

What a great song.

It seems like losing my dog, and ex boyfriend (only months apart) recently, has brought up unfelt feelings from my divorce. It's all interconnected.

Now that I have finally found my way to safety, after over a decade of being in abusive romantic relationships... I'm finally giving myself the permission to feel all my feelings.

There's this seemingly unending well of grief and sadness in me for the girl that was systematically abused and neglected throughout her whole life. She was taught to believe that she was: helpless, hopeless, and powerless as a female.

However, it was my FIRE that was especially discouraged. Females weren't supposed to have fire, because if they did they could easily fight back. It's why my ex boyfriend would consistently tell me (towards the end when I began waking up to his abuse), "You are the most angry woman I have ever met." If somebody has been telling you that, run the fuck away. They are afraid of your anger. They see your anger as being the avenue to which you escape their control. Which it was, but that's another story for another time.

I was discouraged from showing anger, throughout my life, because that was my source of power.

Nothing more powerful than female rage I tell ya.

The good news is, I will never let anybody take my power away from me again, because I am not afraid of being alone. I remember one of my therapist's telling me that it was particularly difficult for healing co-dependents to break trauma bonds, because they are "pathologically afraid of being alone."

I have journeyed and continue to journey through that wilderness. No one can use the "fear of being alone" for their own gain and manipulation again.

**Highly recommmend the book, "Becoming the One," By Sheleana Aiyana, the founder of Rising Woman.

My 8 year old "Leo" Daughter is such a great example to me of healthy boundaries. She is loving. Yet when someone is crossing her physical boundaries, she is NOT afraid to get loud and speak up. I freaking LOVE that about her. I absolutely encourage her to keep this fire in her.

I pray that she will one day read this story and have compassion for the ways in which I have failed her. I am human, and I'm sure that won't be the last time I make mistakes with her. However, I know a little bit more about who I truly am.

I AM a nurturer. But it's not because I identify as a woman. It's because that is who I truly am. Behind all the layers of bullshit that abuse produced in me. The core of who I am, is a person that is extremely: empathic, loving, kind, and strong.

Despite my ex's best efforts of stripping that sacred title from me...

I AM a mama.