Dear Body

Dear Body,

I know you’ve only held unto this excess weight because you are protecting yourself. You’re waiting and longing for me to finally let go. I haven’t been very patient with you. I’ve treated you poorly when I felt you weren’t performing to my standards or speed. I realize now you are just a little child crying out for my love and attention. Just like my dog Olly does when he lays on my rug. He knows by doing something “bad” or something I don’t like, that at least it will give him the attention he longs for from me. He craves for my attention, just like you do. I’ve been neglecting you by cutting out physical exercise and silent meditation. I’ve been abusing you with my constricting thoughts and fears every time I look in the mirror.

You see, my eyes have finally been opened to the truth. The reason you still have not let go of your excess weight is not your doing whatsoever, it has been mine. I’ve been living out a fearful narrative. Afraid to uncover the deepest parts of me. However, it’s the uncovering that will finally release you and set you free. Free to be our healthiest, most vibrant self. I say I want to experience that, to know what it’s like to live in my full light and glory, yet...

I shut you down as soon as you get close to expressing your beautiful vibrancy. Perhaps I am re-living the trauma of my childhood over and over again. Shutting down the loudest, brightest parts of myself to appease the people around me, to ultimately gain their love and acceptance. All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved. But you see... I am the only one that holds the key to experiencing and unlocking the door to love. I am the only person that can give myself that love I longed for as a child… me and only me. I may not have been able to give myself the love I needed as a child, but I can now. Most importantly, I can forgive myself for falling short of those great expectations I set for myself. Maybe that’s where letting go begins… self-forgiveness.

Everything that I”ve experienced, in a way, has been an expression of true love. It all has accumulated and brought me to this point in time right now. One where I am beginning to see where and how I’ve held myself back. Especially from the love I’ve craved. I always thought it was meant to be found in others, but now I see that it was inside of me all along. My subconscious’ tactics of making you, my lovely body, the enemy was a misguided way of protecting itself. It was a way to distract me from uncovering the underlying causes for my emotional, mental, and physical “dis-ease”. You have only been trying to send me warning signs and signals that help guide me back to my wholeness. You are my true friend and ally. Everything that I have experienced with you is only a means to gain even more health, wellness, and healing.

I am whole.

That is my natural state.

Everything that blocks that natural flow is simply a lesson. I know this is the clarity I have been searching for, because right now I am in a state of absolute peace. I want you to know, I forgive you for not being what I thought you needed to be in order for me to experience happiness. The truth is, I was blocking my own joy with my fear. Holding unto fear made it impossible to want to give up control. And without surrendering my fear, there is no way I was ever going to be able to dive deeply into the dark crevices of my soul. These corners reveal all the parts of me that have been holding unto shame. They are all the little pieces inside of me that I have been so afraid of, but that have the potential to bring me back to my whole state. It may have been life circumstances or other people that have shattered and broken me down. It doesn’t really matter. I'm the only one that can lovingly find and gather all those lost and hidden parts of myself to make a beautiful masterpiece.

It’s like the Japanese art of Kintsugi. Just like the artist puts together all the broken parts of a piece of pottery with gold. I can put together all the broken and dissociated parts of my soul with threads of love, understanding, and sacred compassion. The result is an even more exquisite piece than before. You see, those shame ridden thoughts and feelings inside of me have only wanted room to breathe. They have only wanted to be expressed and to be given a voice. I want to own all these parts of myself that I’ve disowned along the way. I want to release you, my body, from the belief that you hold me back. I want to love you exactly the way you are. I want us to be friends. I believe we have the capacity to build this kind of relationship. I want to learn from one another and hold each other as sacred and dear. I don’t want to ever have to look in the mirror and hold my belly with contempt. I want to look at it with pure love and appreciation. In those moments when I slip and fall backwards, which I most surely will… please remember that I’m trying to do the best I know how. Will you offer me patience and kindness? I am, after all, just a little girl living in an adult’s body that never was taught how to love herself.

I love you body. Please forgive me as I learn to slowly offer that love and forgiveness (I know I’m capable of), to myself.

Sincerely Your friend and ally,

~Chloe