The Undecided

Life sucks but then gets better and then it sucks. Let me tell you my story on why life is a funny thing. I was born and raised into a Christian Non-denominational church. I definitely felt like home here but things drastically changed for "The Undecided." As I grew old, my decision making matured and outgrew my childish mindset. I learned and became mindful about many things in life; from breath, to the taste of food. I became more aware of everyday tasks that you wouldn't focus on and it bothered me that people aren't mindfully present or aware of what's truly going on in your mind, body, and spirit. I can say I have lived a difficult life with many hardships, sorrows, anguish, and despair. I was angry and upset with myself and I never felt like I deserved the love I'm worthy of. I was becoming mentally unstable to the point I even thought "Am I even truly alive?" It became fearful and it was a scary point in my life but then I decided, "Am I going to live for others or am I truly going to live for myself?" Things slowly started changing and these abrasive, painful thoughts started transforming into magnificent mental butterflies sweeping through the horizon of the mind. Things changed, but let me tell you why I became so frightful of life.

Since I was a little boy, I was always fond of life and full of jubilance. I strived to be the sweetest boy ever and the "perfect" child that mommy raised in her "beautifully religious household" where her son was going to raise a family of his own. I used to spend more time with my dad but in short, things changed when my dad decided to leave us in this "perfect" world my mom has created. I was confused, desperate to seek answers, "Why would dad leave me and his kids, was it my fault that they went on their own ways?" Here things spurred out of control, witnessing my mother confessing her love for him and spewing poison onto her children. Anxiety grew from this. As time went on, my mom tried dating. It was quite difficult for her to find "The Love of Her Life" since she was so picky and stubborn. Thankfully, a man with good intentions decided to pop up into her life, shifting gears completely and joining her in this "Perfect World" mindset. She remarried with my stepdad; a man with a good heart but with a mindset similar to hers. Now you may ask, why am I spewing out my life story. Well, this "Perfect World" that my mom had envisioned for me, was thrown to the birds once I confessed to her my biggest secret, I'm Gay.

In the beginning of this year, it was tough. My entire family got exposed to Covid-19 and this began on the first day of 2021. Right? Talk about perfect timing. Thankfully they all recovered healthily and we began to trod our way in our magnificent lives. As time went on, I made a mistake. It was a mistake I promised never to do and yet again, my mind convinced me otherwise that "This will be different." I got high. I smoked marijuana two other times using a wax pen and third times the charm; I began to experience internal struggles like never before. I felt guilty, convicted, cursed, and beaten. All those negative emotions we try to avoid to feel when life goes attacked me like a lion ready to jump on its prey and maul it to death. Yay me. I lost hope that I was never gonna recover from my anxiety and depression so I decided, "Hmm, since nothing seems to go well for me, why not go for the gym?" It was honestly the best decision I made because it gave me the mental clarity and confidence I needed to survive this manhunt of thoughts. It helped me on the long run but guess what, Life just comes back to remind me how much of a horrible person I am when indeed I'm not.

Lets talk religion again. My sister and brother-in-law are pastors of a megachurch. Over 2,000 people go to this church and its a blend of "Pharisee" Christians and true Christians. I had a big church group with a bunch of friends and on the long run it was fun. However, things didn't turn out quite as good as they imagined. These friends decided to spread my secret to the entire church. I trusted the wrong people and they decided to stab me in the back. Things were tough because although they broke my trust, I still had a shimmer of hope that they would change. Guess what? They didn't. If anything they showed their true colors to me and the gift of mental clarity I received showed me the pure revelation of these hypocrites. It was tough leaving this crowd but in the end it taught me a lesson: Don't trust people as often as you should. This thought has stuck with me and resonated with me and sometimes I do wish I never told anyone that I was Gay. Let's talk about my sister. I love her to death and I love her husband but when they try to understand and show their love, they tell me things I don't want to hear. I had a conversation with my sister about where my mindset was and she did give me good advice but not the advice I wanted to hear. She always connects me and religion and always has the urge to remind me, "I know you're choosing this life, but it's not the right path." This somewhat triggers my anxiety and depression because although I still try to be a better person, I'm constantly reminded "But are you?" I have this thought engrained in my head every single day and it hurts. Even when I try to make things better with myself and truly learn to explore my identity and self-love, I'm punished with these religious thoughts and fear blossoms from this. However, even when the light seems dark, it always seems to shine its way into my life: My true friends and family.

There are a few friends and family members who support me 100%. It's a good feeling, having people who got your back no matter what. Although I lost a few friends of mine, a bunch of them seemed to have sprouted from the ground of life and have spread their pollen of love. I try to remind myself of the few people that support me. Let's talk about my mom. This year on the first day of June, my mom decided to have a conversation with me about where my mind has been. We talked, hung out, had a good time and then my mom tells me something out of the blue. "Son, if this is your life, then I want you to know that if it makes you happy and you feel confident in yourself, then I want to support you." These sweet words of honey and lavender trickled itself to the milk of my life. These words have stuck with me through and through because I lost hope that my mom would never accept me. I try to remind myself that even when I lose hope, no matter what, my number one support system has reassured me that its ok. I try to grasp onto these words of life but sometimes those poisonous negative thoughts have a way to seep their way into my joy. I hate it. I hate feeling like a victim to my own thoughts. It's a daily struggle for me and it exaggerates so much. This is why I have chosen "The Undecided." The middle valley where this battleground of thoughts bombard themselves and I have to be the one to compromise between good and bad. It's exhausting and I'm sick of it. I guess the reason why I'm writing some of my story is to get some advice from fellow LGTBQ+ members and just come to agreement that I am in fact Gay.