The Thin Line of Orientation

In an essay titled, "The First Date Quandary," I wrote about my relationship with Preston. I believed him to be heterosexual, while others around me saw that there was a connection between us. A large chunk of the story centered around me not knowing he had feelings for me until we had our first date. 

One of the most common questions that I got was how did I not know that my ex had feelings for me? And another centered on something that my cousin said to me:

"Straight men don't tell gay men that they miss them." 

Both comments on the piece and in real life asked me what I thought about that. Did I agree with her? Or was she completely off the mark with commentary?

One of the first things that should be established is why I believed Preston to be straight in the first place. And that might help shed some light on my thought process during this time. 

Preston and I met at writing group. Early on, he didn't really hang out with anyone. My friends would often invite him to join us for dinner or drinks after the meeting, but he turned down the offers. 

Until I asked him. 

The night he accepted, we went to a nearby diner. It was close, cheap, and the staff knew us. Conversation flowed and there were a lot of laughs. I checked my phone to see if there were any missed texts. 

"What are you looking for, Preston?" One friend asked. 

"I want to get married and have kids," he answered. "What about you, Ed?" 

"I don't know right now," I responded. "Sometimes I think it would be nice to be in a long-term relationship and other times, I wonder if I'm made for that." 

At the time, I didn't realize that I was still healing from an abusive relationship. Something that I would figure out later and see now how that informed a lot of my world view. 

Growing Closer

After the conversation about what we were looking for romantically, Preston talked about an ex-girlfriend. Coupled with his desire to be married and have kids, I leaned towards him being straight. 

And something weird happened during this time. One of my friends suddenly decided that Preston's best friend, Cory, and I made a good couple. Spoiler: we did not. 

We did become really good friends, though. 

As Preston and I grew closer, we shared a lot of our backstories with one another. At the time, I saw it as two friends trying to help one another get over some issues. 

"My ex broke up with me because I didn't take it seriously when her favorite celebrity died," he told me. "I'm just really bad at communicating." 

"You've done a good job with me," I assured him. 

It was at that moment that Preston realized he had feelings for me, he would later share. For me, it was a situation where someone I cared about needed to know that they were good enough. 

My hurt heart that he felt like a bad partner because of one mistake. Even now, I assure him that he is a good man and will make someone a great husband some day. 

He tells me the same.

"Part of the reason I'm still single is that everyone I go on a date with says I still have feelings for you," Preston said to me via text one day. 

"When you find the right person, it's going to be magical." 

"Same goes for you."

Yes, we broke up, but we still care very deeply about one another. The reason for the breakup is another story altogether. 

What does any of this have to do with the question of whether I think my cousin was right or wrong?

Answers And Lede Burying

The simple answer is: I believe she's wrong. Certainly, there are some straight men who would not tell their gay friends that they miss them. However, I believe there are a lot of them who would. 

Of course, the "she's not correct" answer comes with a caveat. Preston isn't straight. He identifies as bisexual and queer. In that regard, she had it right, but I felt that the generalization needed to be addressed first. 

As for how I didn't know that Preston had feelings for me, I wasn't looking for a relationship. But that's the thing about love, it comes for you when you're not really looking for it. 

Sometimes romance finds you when it seems very unlikely. While Preston always harbored crushes on men, he had never acted on them until he met me. 

And for me, I had come off a six-week relationship that ended because that ex was confused about what monogamy meant. He also didn't understand that I would walk away completely if we broke up. 

So, Preston coming in was a wonderful surprise for me.

The big lesson to come from this was to read between the lines. And allow love to flourish where it may.