The Man Inside

When I was twelve, I saw my neighbor's niece start her transition. At the time, I had no concept of what a trans woman or what transgender was. But, I really liked this girl. Not in a crush sort of way but, an admiring sort of way. She was also really loved wearing punk stuff a the time. I was kind of envious of how she looked and acted.

She was nice then and maybe she still is.

I asked my Mom about it and she told me the bare bones about it. As it was the early 2000's. This kind of stuff wasn't as talked about in where I live. Or if it was, I never saw it. My brain went, so if she could be a girl then can I be a boy? Immediately I smothered this thought and tried to never think of it again. Just kept admiring my neighbor's niece and her journey to herself.

A couple of years later, I started puberty. I was around fourteen or so. When I was a little kid, I wanted big boobs. Then I finally got big boobs and I hated them. They weren't what I had hoped they would be. My Mom wouldn't let me not realize they were there. Wouldn't stop talking about them either. Making them feel like they were freakishly big. I wanted to remove them like they were Lego pieces that I didn't need.

I still do.

Not that long later, I started my period. It wasn't regular enough for my Mom and my hormones weren't good. I got put on birth control and it didn't really help me in the slightest bit. My mind kept going over the thoughts of 'I wish I was a boy, boys don't have to put up with this bullshit'. Then smothered it once more. Feeling that this was just stress and it really didn't mean a thing.

At eighteen, I kept dressing feminine and tried to act girly. I wanted to explore wearing make-up. But, people made fun of me for trying once in High School and I never tried again in my teen years.

When I was twenty-seven, I finally got the courage to start. For a short while, I liked it. As I got praise for wearing it and told how pretty I looked. A few times, people kept commenting on how much I had worn. Or what color scheme I had chosen. In a 'joking' manner that my co-workers would tell me I was being rude if I stuck up for myself. Mostly a manager that doesn't work in the store anymore. It also didn't make me feel like myself and that I was feeling more like a clown.

I dumped all my make-up a few months before I came out to my Mom.

It was around this time that I identified as asexual and aromantic. Both of which haven't changed in the past two or so years that I've identified as male.

Another thing that I tried to bury under pretending it wasn't real. That the lack of any real feelings I felt for others was just something to overcome. I'm not even sure when I started these sort of feelings, I had no name for that either. Hilariously enough, I learned about it from a meme on Tumblr. Sometime when I was twenty-five or twenty-six. Not entirely sure when I realized this was like myself.

It definitely made me realize why my past relationships weren't great. Or what was wrong with them. Me trying to hard to be something I wasn't and not being fair with someone else.

Luckily, I've only ever had a few relationships like this.

I'm not sure what the future is going to hold for myself. Or how I'm going to feel about myself. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm going to try HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) or not. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't. Depends on where I'll be this time next year. Hopefully, it'll be a stable place where I feel safe enough to come out to everyone in my life. Not just a few folks at work.