Xtra Xtra

There is something that needs to be said during pride month. At least something that I need to remind myself. That I don’t need to be out to everyone during that month. And that I don’t need to be a model trans man. Nor do I need to be the perfect model of gay either. As I am asexual and aromantic. What I also don’t need to do is get into a relationship anytime soon either.

That wouldn’t be good for either of us.

Yet during this time of the year, I feel like I’m failing. I can’t explain why but I feel like I don’t do enough for it. Or write enough gay characters, lesbian characters, or transgender ones either. I know that’s silly to be upset about. Rather it’s just silly and pointless to be so upset with myself over. But I am. Every year that I don’t do something big and showy and pride themed. I get upset with myself for not doing enough to prove my queerness. To whom do I have to prove myself to? Me? Some imaginary audience that might be watching. I’m not Deadpool. There’s no audience that I can turn my head towards and speak to. If I tried that I probably would have a lot of people asking questions. I shouldn’t have to prove to anyone that I am as Queer as I feel that I am. Or prove that I’m as transgender as I know that I am for that matter. Just I somehow can’t stop myself from trying to do so. Trying to play with some audience that doesn’t exist. Only in my mind do they truly exist. Which shouldn’t be making me feel some kind of way.

Yet, it does.

It might be from the years of trying to come to terms with myself. And when I did either bullying from others in my town would mess me up. Other kids calling me a faggot, dyke, or butch. I know that butch isn’t a slur. I also know that dyke technically isn’t anymore with how lesbians use it. But during the early to mid-2000s and in the Midwest, it was a bad insult for someone like me. Someone who was starting to get into their own sense of self. What was worse was the internet. People saying shit about transgender people being predators. Which hasn’t gone away in the slightest. I know that it hasn’t gone away as I’m currently dealing with it as I transition. But there’s the worst idea that we must perform as how cisgender people want. Whether or not they’re straight doesn’t matter. I’ve unfortunately met a few cisgender gay people who believe this as well. A few people gatekeeping transgenderism at that time. Still gatekeeping transgenderism if I’m being entirely honest.

Having them call it a mental illness when it isn’t. People on internet forums that keep going on and on about transpeople being deluded. Or worse. Saying they’re not bigots because they call transpeople what they weren’t. One of which called me a cisgender male and that I had no right to talk about my reproductive health. Because I didn’t identify as a woman. I, at the time, identified as nonbinary. Which irked me in some way. Sure, I called her out on it when it happened. But she was a moderator. So, she threatened to ban me if I kept being ‘aggressive’ towards her. While she kept going on and on about how transwomen are just men that feel like women.

As well as feeling that I’m doing this for attention. Appropriate feelings and such from an ex-friend that’s on civil terms with me. It wasn’t his fault. I was a terrible friend to this person, and I wish him the best. He’s a dad now and I couldn’t be happier for him and his family.

Now that I’ve come to terms with being a trans man. I’m starting to feel I must behave in a certain way. That I must walk or talk or present more masculine. Even though I’m not all that upset with being feminine. Yet I feel I must fit into a mold that only exists in my own mind. Or rather feeling this way because I think the public wants me to exist in this way. The rest of the community wants me to exist in this way. Which hates me on the grounds that I am a man. And according to the rest of the community I do nothing for the community. It was something that I was told once.

By an eighteen-year-old. Who I hope learns one day that trans men aren’t useless members of the community. Or that all of them are abusive either.

I also hope that I won’t feel that I must perform for anyone else. But myself. To present myself as a man in ways that make me comfortable. And maybe that’ll include getting hrt if I can afford it. As I have no insurance. Which might be a long time from now. For now, I just hope I can dress in ways that make me feel more like myself. More masculine. And that I won’t care what the imaginary audience thinks of me. That I’ll be able to leave the stage I’ve centered myself on and just exist.