the day i realized straight people don't question their sexuality

i was twenty-three

sitting in sarah's kitchen

watching her make coffee

with the same confidence

she approached everything

and i asked her

the question

that had been burning

in my chest

for months

do you ever wonder

if you're actually straight?

she looked at me

like i'd asked

if she ever wondered

if gravity

was real

what do you mean?

she said

stirring cream

into her mug

like this was

the most ridiculous

thing

she'd ever heard

and that's when

it hit me

like cold water

in the face

she doesn't

lie awake

at 3am

wondering

if the flutter

in her stomach

when she looks

at certain people

means something

different

than what

she's supposed

to feel

she doesn't

analyze

every friendship

every glance

every compliment

searching for signs

of something

she can't name

but feels

in her bones

she doesn't

spend hours

googling

am i gay quiz

am i bisexual

what does it mean

if you think

about kissing

your best friend

but also

still like boys

she just

is

without question

without doubt

without the constant

internal inventory

of desire

and fear

and confusion

that has been

my background music

for years

normal people

don't take quizzes

about their sexuality

she said later

when i tried

to explain

why i asked

they just

know

and i realized

i had been

waiting

my whole life

for someone

to tell me

what i was

instead of

listening

to what

i already knew

but was too scared

to say

the relief

of understanding

that the questioning

itself

was the answer

that straight people

don't spend

their teenage years

wondering

if they're broken

for not feeling

what everyone else

seems to feel

so easily

so naturally

so without

thought

they don't

practice

coming out

to their reflection

or write

letters

they'll never send

to parents

explaining

why they're

different

they just

exist

in their certainty

while i

have been

excavating

my heart

looking for

the truth

that was always

there

waiting

for me

to stop

questioning

long enough

to listen

to what

it was

trying

to tell me

i am

not broken

i am

not confused

i am

just

not straight

and that's

not a problem

to solve

it's

a truth

to live

so when people

ask me

how i knew

i think

of sarah

in her kitchen

asking

what do you mean?

like she couldn't

imagine

a world

where who

you love

requires

investigation

and i realize

i spent

so long

looking

for permission

to be

myself

that i forgot

i was

the only one

who could

give it

now

i know

the questioning

was never

about finding

the right answer

it was about

finding

the courage

to accept

the one

i already had