The Best Ways You Can Support Your Asexual Friends

When I first came out as asexual to my friends, it was...awkward to say the least. One said to me, "I've never met one of those before." Another looked at me in shock that someone out there could have no interest in sex. With each friend I told, I got bombarded with more and more questions, like I was a space alien waiting for the mothership to bring me back to my home planet. Believe me, times like that, I wish I were.

With asexuality being an "invisible" spectrum, that means it's not widely known. So, it's natural not to know what asexuality means to your friend when they hit you with that term. On the other hand, telling you about an orientation that's kept on the down-low isn't easy for them. So, here are ways that you can support your asexual friends without making them feel inferior.

Time To Do Your Homework

First off, it helps to understand what asexuality is. The gist of it is that your friend experiences little to no sexual attraction to people. However, asexuality is not a simple orientation. It can differ in ranges. There's demisexual (sexual feelings come after an emotion bond), grey-sexual (rare sexual attraction), and aromantic (little to no romantic attraction).

It is also important not to confuse asexuality with celibacy. To be celiate, you are choosing not to have sex while still experiencing sexual urges. With aces, they are not sacrificing sexual urges if they never had them to begin with. And no, asexuality is not a phase and cannot be "fixed." It also doesn't mean that aces are anti-sex as many are sex-positive or neutral. Most importantly, aces are not broken.

There are also plenty of online sources that will give you a breakdown of asexuality like on AVEN (asexuality.org). Books like I Am Ace or The Invisible Orientation are sure to answer any questions you have about asexuality. There are also online communities like r/asexuality on Reddit where you can learn about the real-life stories and/or struggles aces have to better understand what they're going through. Your friend will commend you for taking the time to learn.

Listen and Recognize Them for the Ace They Are

Your friend telling you about their asexuality wasn't easy for them. So whatever you do, try to make this a simple conversation. Affirm to your friend that their asexuality is normal and that you'll love them no matter what.

Please, please, please avoid saying things like "You'll change your mind" or "you just haven't met the right person yet." These make it seem like asexuality is all in their head or a temporary state of being. It's as real as any orientation and needs to be taken seriously.

Instead of being quick to say something, let your friend tell their story. Practice active listening where you make listening noises to validate you're paying attention and continuously nod your head. Allow your friend to share with no interruptions.

Make sure you don't pressure them to explain further their asexuality or have them justify their orientation. It shouldn't be fair that just because asexuality is rare that it means they owe anyone further explanation. Let the ball be in their court and ask questions later if they tell you it's okay.

Respect Their Boundaries

Your friend may have been open to talking about their orientation with you, but there are certain things they're not willing to get out of their comfort zone for. Some aces are sex-repulsed, neutral, or open to talking about sex. So, just ask them if it's okay to talk about certain sex-related topics with you.

Never ever make assumptions that your ace friend is not at all interested in intimacy. I remember when I came out to my mom, she made the assumption that I wasn't into any that way when I did see people romantically. Your friend could value romantic relationships too or is more about platonic friendships. Support any choice they make on how they want to go about their relationships.

Whatever you do, never put pressure on your friend to conform. Don't tell them to just "try" sex to see if they like it. Sex is not like trying a new food or going on a rollercoaster. If your ace friend is a virgin, that's not something to ever force someone to give up as they can't take it back. The same is said if your ace friend isn't into sex-themed activities like strip clubs or going to sexy movies. If they say no, respect that.

Offer Them Emotional Support

Asexuals deal with a lot of heavy emotions if they've faced rejection, misunderstanding, or feeling "broken." Reassure them that there's nothing wrong with them and they are enough. The best thing you can do for someone who's ace to is make them feel like they belong.

You can put your education to good use by introducing your ace friend to LGBTQ+ support groups in your area or AVEN's "For Sexual Partners, Friends, or Allies" online forum to get a better understanding of how to be there for your friend.

Keep checking in on their wellbeing. Continue to offer emotional support whenever they ask for it and be there for them. Always make your friend feel they can come to you and provide their trust.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One important thing an asexual person could always use is a friend. Be anything your friend needs when they ask your for help and be sensitive of what works and doesn't work for them. At the end of the day, the love you have for your friend should remain the same and continue growing.