How An Ace Can Set Boundaries in a Relationship

Setting boundaries as an ace person isn't easy. Known as "the invisible orientation," not experiencing sexual attraction is not something widely talked about like being straight, gay, bisexual, or transgender. With the asexual spectrum being so wide, everyone's comfort levels are different, and boundaries must be set for a relationship to work. Here's a guide for every ace person on how to establish boundaries with your partner:

Know Your Boundaries Through Self-Awareness

As mentioned before, every ace person has different levels of comfort. Some have no problems with physical closeness, while others would rather do without. Remember that there is no right or wrong answer on what makes you comfortable. Only you can decide that.

When you're with your partner, don't be afraid to address what levels of touch you're cool with. Let them know if you're okay with hugs or being cuddled, but maybe not kissing. Or, maybe you enjoy emotional intimacy, but don't want to give in to sexual topics. The important thing is that all of your actions need to be done with confidence and not out of pressure.

Think hard about what your triggers are. What makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious, or pressured? You may not like it when someone tells you to "try" something or that "you'll change your mind" if they touch you a certain way. Lingering hugs might weird you out, or any type of unwanted touch. Whatever it is, address those triggers and lay them out in the open, compared to wasting so much time doing things that irk you.

Communicate Clearly and Directly

With only 1% of aces out there, not everyone knows what asexuality is, and there isn't one broad definition of it. Talk to your partner about what type of asexuality describes you. For example, maybe you're fine with holding hands, but nothing physical beyond that. Maybe you don't want to go past kissing or would prefer to have sex after really getting to know someone.

Make sure when you do talk to your partner, you use "I" statements. Remember that this conversation isn't about your partner. You're talking about your feelings and your comfort levels, and you're not wrong in that.

Be prepared to answer any questions your partner has. However, you are not obligated to answer all of them. Sometimes, it can feel weird to get thrown too many questions as if you're abnormal. You and your partner can just take each question one day at a time.

Prioritize Consent and Your Own Comfort

It's natural to want to please your partner. You don't want them to leave you when you can feel the chemistry going. At the same time, you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to do, even if it could mean your partner will leave.

Don't be afraid to say no when you need to. It doesn't have to go beyond simply saying, "I'm not comfortable with that." At the end of the day, your comfort comes first.

Check in with yourself and see how you're feeling with each touch. That way, you'll know what your comfort levels are. Resist any pressure your partner may inflict on you.

Unfortunately, we live in a sex-crazed world where society says that sexual contact is the foundation of a solid relationship. In reality, it doesn't have to be that way for every relationship. At the end of the day, we need to be happy in the relationship. We can't do that if we spend so much time pretending to be comfortable. If your partner can't understand that, it's not meant to be.

Handle Challenges with Confidence

Setting boundaries as an ace person can be a struggle. Non-aces may not understand certain boundaries even if they've already been addressed. However, you still need to manage these challenges confidently.

If someone is challenging your boundaries, simply respond with "I've said I'm not okay with it. Please respect that." Let it be known that your boundaries are non-negotiable.

Compromise if you must. For example, you can let your partner know, "I'm fine with cuddles and kissing. But, I don't want to do anything beyond that." No matter what, your comfort must come first.

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By facing all of the challenges that come with setting boundaries with your partner, you are establishing your self-worth. Your asexual orientation is legitimate, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't be with a partner who expects you to fit into their mold. Find someone who recognizes your boundaries as an ace person and prioritizes your comfort above all else. That's a partner worth keeping.