Sunshine under the Rainbow

Being "gay" was grounds for damnation in the community and church that I grew up in as a little boy. The thought of the word would mentally transport you to a deep dark place of fire and brimstone or gloom and doom with a final resting place in the pits of hell. My parents were never vocal on the issue directly as right, wrong or indifferent, however, I can remember the preacher in the pulpit quoting the scriptures of abomination against God and the kids in the neighborhood being outright hateful towards anyone that was “that way”. By the time I was a teenage boy, I fit well in the category of homophobic and there was nothing you could do to change my views or convince me to want to have anything to do with this “those people”.

lGbtQ - The straight guy doesn’t fit in with the queens of drag!

About a year after graduating high school, I was sitting at a red light when a young girl pulled up next to me in a brand-new Honda Accord EX, my dream car at that time. I was driving an Accord too, but my car was a about 4 years older. Searching quickly through my bag of flattery before the light turned green, I rolled down my window and asked if she would pull into the gas station so I could see the interior of her beautiful car. She reluctantly obliged and what started out as a car conversation ended in a 7-year relationship. I don’t know that I ever saw the interior of her car that day, but I got to ride and drive it for the next 4 years.

At the young age of 18, this girl owned a nail salon and I had just opened the first mobile carwash in Birmingham. Her clientele was 95% women who drove nice cars, and I had the equipment to wash and detail their vehicles while they were getting manicures and pedicures. We eventually merged to form Nail and Detail which became a highly successful collaboration. As the business was growing at a startling rate, she decided to move the shop to a very ritzy location that had several other nail techs, hair stylist and a boutique. I did not know that the world of beautifying women was so rich with super talented men that dominate in styling and fashion, but furthermore, I did not know going into this expansion that most of the men were gay, and they love clean cars. The very people that I grew up having such a strong opposition engaging, were now starting to invade my world from every angle…5 full days a week!

There was a young man in the salon that all he did was wash, rinse and dry hair. I labeled him “Flammer” because he was hotter than the hinges on the gates of Hades. He made the word feminine next level and had a sway in his walk that would make a Paris runway model pull out a pen and take notes. Of all the people in the salon that he could be booed up too ALL the time, he chose my girlfriend to be his best friend. This did not initially sit well with me because their work friendship quickly turned into invitations to our house to have a couple glasses of wine, which progressed to night clubs and eventually peaked out at frequent Drag Queen shows. I was constantly reminding her to tell him that eye contact with me was not permitted, and he better not even think about hugging me or shaking my hand. Just the sheer thoughts made me cringe.

One night as she was in the bedroom getting ready to go to a drag show with him, I was in the kitchen which was openly connected to the living room. He was quietly sitting in the chair watching TV and out of the blue I offered him something to drink. He accepted and made his way into the kitchen for small talk. 15 minutes in I remember thinking, “this guy is pretty cool” and within an hour we were engaged in a full-blown conversation, and I do not ever remember laughing so much. Something literally changed within me that night. He was respectful, hilarious, caring and passionate about others. What reason did I have to continue being disrespectful to him when he genuinely wanted to just be a friend? Could I have possibly been hateful in my heart all these years to people that I really did not know who they were? I struggled with those thoughts but also with the thoughts of what will those tough guys that I grew up with think if they know I have a “gay” friend? For a while it was an intense internal battle, but as I got to know him better the less I cared about what others thought. My guards were not all the way down, but at least I was beginning to entertain thinking differently. Fitting into his lifestyle was in no way appealing to me but fitting in his life as a friend was. I was not cured of the phobia, but it was a step in the right direction.

LgBtq – The Christian brother will not fit in with the girl power!

My sister who is 8 years younger than me has always been precious to me and holds a special place in my heart. Protecting her and seeing her happy and simply enjoying her presence was priority for me for the many years that we lived in the house with our parents. The day before her high school graduation I dropped her off at school for graduation practice around 8 that morning with instructions to pick her up at noon. I got back to the school shortly before noon and waited for her to come out, but she never did, so I went inside to see if I could find her. A fellow classmate informed me that she had left the campus with several other girls to get food but should have been back long before noon. After waiting a while longer, I decided to go back home to see if maybe she had been dropped off without letting me know. As I pulled out of the onto the main road traffic immediately came to a complete stop. Initially I did not give much thought to the delay, but then a helicopter flew directly overhead, and I could see that it was landing, what appeared to be in the street, maybe a half mile down the road. At this point I shut the car off, let the windows down and waited until we were free to move again. About 30 minutes passed and a group of kids came walking by and I asked if they new what had happened down the road. One of the boys told me that there had been a horrible accident in the curve and the car flipped over several times killing someone in the car. He then stated that there were 5 girls that were all seniors. The second name out of his mouth was my sister and I did not hear anything after that. I swung open the car door and in full sprint headed toward the accident. About a quarter mile away I could see the helicopter in the middle of the road and several emergency vehicles surrounding the scene. An officer stopped me and asked where I was going. I told him that a student had just told me that my sister was in the car, and I needed to get to her immediately. He put me in his patrol car and escorted me to the wreck.

When I walked on the scene my eyes could not believe what I was experiencing. There was organized chaos as numerous emergency personnel was tirelessly attending to all 5 girls. One EMT was literally on top of the gurney giving everything in him to bring my sister’s best friend back to life. Another team was lifting a gurney with a severely injured young girl into the helicopter for immediate transport to the local hospital. I passed the 2 other passengers awaiting ambulances and eventually made it to my sister who was up on a hill being tended to by a team of paramedics. I asked to see her and the moment she saw me we both burst into tears. I remember holding her hand in the ambulance all the way to the hospital and thinking how grateful I was to have her and that nothing would ever separate us.

For several years after that tragic day, my sister and I drew closer, and I felt that we had a bond that was unbreakable. We were living 650 miles apart, but both made frequent trips back and forth to visit. Then out of the blue she cut off communication and was avoiding me at every cost. She also estranged herself from our mother which raised red flags all over the place that something was going on with her. It eventually came out that she was in a relationship with another woman, and they were relocating to another state to live together free from the scrutiny and judgement she felt she would get from our family. This news set me back to the days of my youth and all I could hear was the condemning voices from the pulpit about this lifestyle being an abomination to God. My emotions were raging and all I could think about was my sister being in a relationship with the devil. It got so bad that I would call and talk to this girl to make her life as miserable as I could, hoping the pressure would drive her away. However, I did not realize that it was drawing them closer together. I recall praying on numerous occasions for the Lord to remove her at whatever cost necessary. Looking back, it was the most hateful thing I have ever done, but at the time those were my raw feelings.

One morning while drinking coffee in my Palm Beach condo the phone rang and it was my sister. She was living in North Carolina at the time, but our “home” was Alabama. I could hear the desperation in her voice as she asked if I could come to watch my nephew for a couple days while she went back home to tend to some unfinished business. Those kids were the love of my life, and my answer was "yes" verbally but internally I struggled with having to spend a few days with this woman that I had no respect for and quite frankly, hated. The next morning, I flew to North Carolina and just as I suspected, when I came face-to-face with this woman it was not a warm welcome. I said some very hateful things to her face and proceeded to the guest room where I was going to hibernate for the time I was there. My sister cancelled her trip back home because she was able to handle everything remotely, but this also meant that for the 5 days I was scheduled to be there, I would have to encounter this person that I had no desire to be around. For the first day I stayed in my room with the door closed but was intently listening to everything going on in the house. My nephew would come in and play video games with me, but that was the extent of my involvement. The second day there, I heard the young lady in the kitchen preparing breakfast and having a beautiful conversation with my nephew. Her conversation was so caring, and I sensed a sincere love that exuded from her towards him, and my sister as well. Crap, I had been here before and now was facing having to swallow my pride to approach her make amends for the horrible way I had been acting for months. What started out as a plan to stay for 5 days, ended up me staying for an entire month. This girl was amazing on every level. She was loving, caring, highly intelligent, and so fun to be around, but most important, she genuinely loved 2 people that I genuinely love. That was good enough for a change in my thinking.

lgbTq – The straight son-in-law just won’t blend but will in the end!

On Christmas morning 2010, I boarded an airplane leaving Orlando, Florida and at that time I did not know, but it was the last time I would ever see my ex-wife. It was supposed to be a 10-day trip home to visit mom and the family for the holidays, but I never returned as planned. The marriage had been rocky for a while, but I asked her to move to Alabama with me to get a fresh start and for months she refused to come. We eventually decided that divorce was the best option for our situation and started the process. My new job was going very well and for several months I took care of her until the divorce was final. I vowed that I was not going to date or see anybody for an undetermined amount of time, but when I did decide, it would be very cautiously. This self-appointed boundary would only last for 3 months.

I was growing fast at my new job and got promoted to a brand-new office that was all glass, offering a view of the entire office floorplan. Everyone in the office had to pass by me to get to the bathroom and breakroom, so I got to see every person in the building at some point during the day. This one particular day I was on the phone and a new pretty face passed my window going to the restroom. When she came back by, I watched to see what department she went in so I could do a little investigating. At lunch I went back to her department to introduce myself and to offer to buy that departments lunch for that day. As I was taking orders, I asked the new girl what she wanted and all she would say was, “it doesn’t matter, just something good”. So, I went to pick up lunch and something told me to get her a shrimp po-boy. Why? I don’t know, but that’s what I did. When I gave everybody their lunch, she opened her container and took in a deep breath of surprise. She could not believe that I bought her a po-boy. Come to find out, she was from New Orleans and shrimp po-boy was her favorite dish. I learned that day to always follow your instincts as they can lead you to the pot of gold.

For about 2 months we talked and went to lunch a couple times, but I would not allow us to start dating because our employer had a no-fraternization policy. I knew she was something incredibly special and wanted I wanted to date her, but we had to take it slow. Unfortunately, but fortunately I became terribly ill at work one day and ended up in the hospital with some heart issues. When my cardiologist released me from the hospital, he suggested I do not go back into the line of work I was doing because of the stress level and the toll it was taking on my heart. Not heeding his advice, I went back to work with the medical papers required by my employer and sadly because of the liability connected to the heart condition, they would not allow me to return. This was horrible news on one hand but great news because I was no longer bound to the no fraternization policy. She and I began dating soon after and within a noticeably short time it got serious. A good friend who was devout Christian said to me, “if you’re going to move in with her, just go ahead and marry her”. I thought to myself that he really needed to mind his own business, but I also new what he was saying was truth, not to mention that I had not gotten the final judgement on my divorce. Nonetheless, I took his words to heart, and we began talking marriage. Our initial thoughts were to wait one year and plan a big wedding with all the frills and thrills, but why wait? At this point I had not met her parents, and in one of our early discussions she made it clear that before getting too deep into talking about weddings, there were a couple issues that could ultimately dismantle any plans moving forward. One was the fact that that when looking for a home to start our family, we had to look for something with an in-law suite. No biggie, I did not have an issue with that so long as the living quarters were separate. The second issue rocked my world a little. She explained that her dad had recently come out and revealed that he was transgender, and if this were an issue for me, she could not go any further in the relationship. In addition, I was required to ask him for permission to marry his daughter, a white girl that had never dated a black man. The moment she said it, I had no clue what the term even meant. She explained all the details of being transgender and warned me that he identifies as a woman, had physical characteristics of a woman, and desired to be treated as a woman. For the third time now, I was facing that fork in the road of fitting into a lifestyle that I grew up having horrible condemning thoughts about. However, the decision this time came without much thought or consideration. I knew without a shadow of doubt that I wanted to marry this girl, and I knew in my heart that I did not have those condemning thoughts anymore.

The day finally came that I had to meet my mother-in-law to be face-to-face on his turf to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. My nerves were at an all time high as I sat on the couch looking at her pistol that was clearly displayed on the coffee table within arms reach. Both of her moms were present, and it was clearly stated that their daughter is an only child, and she will be treated with love and respect, nothing less. The gun located on the table was there with a purpose, not just for show but to set the tone that they will use it on anybody that hurts their child. Once we got past the tense moment of delivering that message, we moved forward like we were family. They embraced me as a son-in-law, and I was settling in on them being my in-laws. Six weeks after this joyous occasion, my wife found a home with an in-law suite and soon after we all moved in together. Eighteen days after moving in we were married, and the journey began.

For quite a while there was an adjustment period learning to live with a transgender. It was hard to not refer to her as a man, knowing that she was the father of my wife. There were numerous occasions where feelings were hurt, not intentionally, but because I would forget to honor her wishes to be called mother-in-law and referred to as her or she. Over time it got much easier and I was eventually able to communicate without error. For nearly nine years we lived under the same roof and despite not understanding the whole trans lifestyle, we became close and at the end of the day she treated me better and taught me more that my own biological father.

LGBTGQ – Fit in or not, there are beautiful souls within!

My mother has used the adage, “you can’t judge a book by its cover” my entire life. This holds so true when it comes to relating to humanity. My youth experiences taught me to steer away from a certain type of people based upon the appearances of the lifestyle they led, but as an adult I found that people should be judged solely by the content of the heart and character. I did not fit into the community of the LGBTQ lifestyle, but I can love its members and the beauty they share with humanity.